Let me just get through this week!

I'm broke. Duh. What else is new? I am still looking for a job. I'm focusing on applying for grad school, but right now I'm waiting to hear back from NYU. I can't even afford to pay the application fees for all these school, so now I have to do it slooooooooowly.

I feel like shit. I feel fat. I don't want to do anything. I'm so exhausted. I just want to be alone.

On a positive note, the beautiful late March sun is in full force! That makes me happy. I can't wait for warmer weather. :)

That's all for now. Have a good day.

South Beach Diet

I did the South Beach diet when I was 19 and didn't really lose any weight, but I burned belly fat. It was awesome. I also lost 13 pounds doing Weight Watchers almost two years ago, but I've somehow gained it back.

I got in awesome shape by working out at the gym I no longer can afford. Also, it's like 20 minutes away and that was annoying. I miss going to a gym.

Basically, I'm at a lost. WHat should I do to lose this extra weight? I wanna lose 20 pounds in 3 months.

Not feeling well.

Been fighting the flu (or what I hope is the flu) for a few days. I feel shitty. Also, my period is late. Shit. We'll see what's going on. I mean, what if I do get pregnant? What if I AM pregnant? Women do this every day. Teenagers do this and they survive. There's so much I wanna do with my life and a kid would make it harder. But I vow to be the type of mom who never gives up on her dreams and takes her kid along for the ride.

That being said, I also hate scales. I hate weighing myself. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and exercised healthily without making thing so difficult.

Blah.

It seems that every March/April I start to think about how much I weigh again. I got on a scale and it was considerably more than I thought. Especially since I've been cutting back on food a lot in the past two months or so. I haven't been working out as regularly, so maybe that's why the scale isn't making me super happy right now. Whatever!

I love spring. I love that it's getting warmer and the days are longer. It makes me happy.

Also, I want to stop writing for Suite101. I don't really enjoy it. I just like having my name out there and being able to say, "I write for a website." Lame, I know.

I have nothing more to report. I'm going to watch tv and lie down for a bit before going for a run.

Peace out.

Nothing to lose.

Chance Casino


I don't know what keeps me trying and trying. I will never give up. Despite the fact that I've gotten my heart broken with rejection ONCE doing this same thing, I am here again.

I guess it's like love. I got my heart broken so many times by boys and yet just when I gave up completely, something wonderful came along. Or rather, someone . . .

So anyway, here I am again. What the hell am I doing? What have I got to lose besides a little time and $75? I'm trying not to get attached. I will assume it's not going to happen to avoid another heartbreak. It would be far worse if I didn't try at all, I think.

Thought I learned my lesson not to tell people about it, but I have. Stupid. But I'm like an open book. What have I got to hide?

Maybe it'll be better during Spring . . .

But right now, I have the undying compulsion to just run away. Where? I don't know. I'm a slave to my car note at this point. I'm just working to pay for my car and student loan debt. This is not good.

So, I'm thinking about just sticking with this job I'm temping for until I pay off some debt and save $4000 to just get the hell out of here. It'll probably be when this fall when I'm 25, but it's better than indefinitely, right?

Time goes by so fast.

PS- I woke up this morning with a comment on an article I wrote and it was positive. Just when I feel like giving up . . .these awesome things happen.

Commitmentphobia

Over the past year and a half, my thoughts on how I'm going to make a living for myself has thought about numerous things, but I have yet to commit to a damn thing except indecision. It's time for me to just pick something and, dare I say, stick with it:

Going to graduate school to study:
- library science (called a school and tried to get all the necessary materials. contacted an old professor who told me to schedule a meeting. then didn't do it.)
- nonfiction writing (went to an informational session in Baltimore for Johns Hopkins)


Going to law school
- Did some research. Realized it wasn't a passion and I didn't want to go through with it. Big surprise.

Music job in NYC.

- I was so close. So, so close. You know the story. I should probably feel more heartbroken and angry. I don't know.

Freelance writer.

- I go back and fourth on this one. I love writing and want to write and make a living, but I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I purchased all the books. Did all the research. Even sent out a query. I am published on the Net. People read my shit. I guess I help people. I just can't seem to make a steady income doing so.


Just getting any old job that doesn't want to make me kill myself and saving $$ for NYC.

- I actually did this a few months after I graduated. Didn't save enough. Didn't move to NYC. Started working at 930 Club though and had a blast.

Selling an idea I have online and making enough $$ to do what I want.

- I think it's a "get rich quick" scheme. I got inspired after reading "The 4-Hour Workweek". Still debating about it. I just don't know.


There you have it. My top indecisions.

First official rejection . . .

I'm used to being rejected. After being rejected most of your childhood for being fat, smart, and generally different from your peers, you realize that acceptance is sorta bullshit. Like, of course I identified with and internalized everything I was rejected for being, but I also knew it was unfair and, frankly, stupid. I realized that the basis for rejection doesn't always have anything to do with you. You can't take it personally.

So I got my first official rejection for an idea I pitched to Seventeen magazine. I sent my query a couple of weeks ago and was expecting to not hear ANYTHING back, but I just received an official rejection letter and it made me feel good because someone actually read what I wrote. Granted, they were probably a poor intern, but still. Someone is listening! And it is encouraging!

A lot of writers I admire have been rejected numerous times before they've been accepted and I feel as though I'm in good company. My big break will happen. I just have to keep at it. Now I will query more and more.

AWESOME!

I have gotten another e-mail from someone who liked an article I wrote almost a year ago about Obama. She wants to use it in her classes that she teaches on race. Stuff like that makes me happy. At least my stuff is getting out there.

Money will follow . . .haha.

Parallel Universe

"I wonder
somewhere
in my subconscious,
when I'm thinking about myself,
about me
in a parallel universe
just maybe
would i think
about me
in a parallel universe?"


I am reading a book my co-worked lent me called, "A History of the Universe". It's a book about the universe according to the British television show about time travel called "Doctor Who". It's awesome.

Anyway, I'm fascinated by the concept of a parallel universe. There are so many mysteries in this world and we know about .04984349489498494898% about life. There is so much more out there. Apparently, events can be different in parallel worlds, but they all started the same. It's just different choices we've made.

"In 1954, a young Princeton University doctoral candidate named Hugh Everett III came up with a radical idea: That there exist parallel universes, exactly like our ­universe. These universes are all related to ours; indeed, they branch off from ours, and our universe is branched off of others. Within these parallel universes, our wars have had different outcomes than the ones we know. Species that are extinct in our universe have evolved and adapted in others. In other universes, we humans may have become extinct."

We've all thought about a parallel universe in some capacity. Such as what would have happened if you had gone to that college? What would have happened if you continued dating that guy? What if you had reacted differently? What if your mom hadn't gone out that night and met your dad? What would her parallel universe have been like?

It's fascinating, really. But, alas, it's meaningless because this parallel universe is the only one that matters right now.

Maybe it just takes me longer.

I was working at a dismal temp job yesterday and thanking the Lord that it wasn't a permanent placement. As lowly and judged I sometimes feel working at a company for short stints doing mind-numbing work, I am so glad to still have my freedom! Waking up and realizing that tonight I get to work at an awesome place with awesome people (even if I get sick of the commute and the late nights) made me happy. I don't have to go into an office and sit at a cubicle without sunlight all day!

It got me thinking. It took me a little longer to find an AWESOME relationship with an AWESOME guy. Maybe it's just going to take me longer to find my career path. I know I'll get there one day. I can't beat myself up over it because there's no point.

True, I want to be making more money. True, I thought it'd be on my own financially by now, but you know what? It's okay. I'll get there.

So my new motto? Relax. Just try my best. Take it easy.

"Don't forget to have a good time." - Ani DiFranco

Decisions, decisions

I don't feel like writing right now. I woke up early today for no good reason. Well, I had a good reason, but then I couldn't get back to sleep.

One positive aspect of waking up so early, I managed to finish reading "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Capote. I liked it. Charming, short and sweet . . .like the best things in life, I guess. We've all known a Holly Golightly. The book made me reminiscent of NYC (I'm as sick of mentioning NYC as you of reading about it!) and springtime. I've never seen the movie, but I'm thinking about it now. The book is so progressive and somewhat shocking, even now. I enjoyed it.

When I complain and rant to people, I'm not always asking for advice. In fact, I don't like getting advice from a majority of people ESPECIALLY ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR WRITING. Both of which I feel as though I am well versed and more knowledgeable on the subjects that most I talk to. Call me stuck up and arrogant if you want.

Firstly, I once lost 40+ pounds on my own by eating less and exercising more. I know how to do it. I am just lazy sometimes. Unless I explicitly ask for advice, just let me complain about my fat ass without you telling me what not to eat or how much more I should lose. It's rude.

Secondly, writing is a sore subject for me. I've been dealing with it my whole entire life. I have pursued and I am aware of most avenues to take. Hell, I majored in the subject in college. I have a BA in English Language and Literature. I may not know a lot about life or how to like and keep a job, but I know about writing. When I rant, please don't tell me to get a job working at a local newspaper. Thanks.

I am severely PMSing right now and the only things I want around me are chocolate and sunshine. My boyfriend, too.

Depressed.

I knew when I walked away from corporate security in September 2007 that the road ahead of me would be difficult and unpredictable. I've tried countless other day jobs since then and have felt no better than before. I've tried NYC again and, presumably, failed. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I am just so tired.

I feel shallow and conflicted because I want to be making a lot more money. I NEED to be making a lot more money. As it is, I can't even afford the minimalist lifestyle I'm already living. I thought I'd have my shit together by 24. I thought I'd be independent and happy.

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't like hearing other success stories of friends and co-workers. I'm insanely jealous of people with independence and money.

So what did I do? I trusted in this elusive concept of doing what I love and feeling happy, but it's leaving me feeling so behind, so alone and so sad. So remorseful. So lost.

I don't know how I'm even going to cover my bills I already have. It's maddening and scary.

I got another writing gig which is going to get my name out there. Whether or not I'll be making any money is another story. I hope so. I'm still trying to get more writing gigs. I'm still trying to get my name out there.

I just want my own space. I want to have a job. I want to do my own grocery shopping again. I want to feel capable. I want to feel like an adult.

I know I've been bitching and complaining on this blog for the past year almost. It's strayed so much from what I wanted it to be, but it's still about me figuring out life. It's still about me figuring out who I am and , more oftentimes, who I am not.

I have a long couple of days with Inauguration and such. Let's go OBAMA! Exciting time. :)

'Till next time . . .

A

Writing and Me

Writing makes me happy. I'm good at it and I love doing it. I want to be a writer. Sure, I wanted to be a rock star too, but I've always wanted to write. I wanted to publish my own magazine. I want to write books. I want to write op-ed pieces. I don't want to work for anyone. I want to get my shit out there. That's what I want. That's what I live for.

But why is it that when given the opportunity, I'd rather watch bad reality television? I don't get it. This line of work is NOT easy because you have to do EVERYTHING. The time you spend actually writing is very little. Most of your time is spent trying to acquire writing gigs.

I really want to be in NYC. I just don't get why I didn't land this last job after two successful interviews. I have not gotten a solid "no" yet, but I heard the position was already filled. I sent an e-mail to HR and they said it is still open. I just don't get it. But the truth is, I would be using this job as a stepping stone to NYC and other things. Networking mostly. But I want it. I want NYC. I want young, motivated, trendy, fun people. I want it all.

So today I'm writing a little bit. I also plan on working out a little. Watching a little more bad reality tv.

Until next time . . .

No NYC

So, I haven't been "denied" the job in NYC yet, but my friend that works there said they've hired someone. Technically there were two open positions, but I don't see either position listed on the website. The HR person told me a few weeks ago (after I heard the position had been filled) that they have NOT hired someone. What gives? I guess I'm moving on.

I really wish I had enough money to support myself and to move out on my own. I really want to branch out and start my life as an adult. I feel stifled. I feel behind.

I'm trying to get my writing out there and it's working, but of course not fast enough and it takes A LOT of work. I just feel like I do all this work and have nothing to show for it. I am not happy just simply working to live. It depresses me. I want to LOVE my job so much that it doesn't feel like work and I want to be paid enough to live on my own, support myself and have extra money left over to spend on things I need and want. Is that too much to ask?

Bleh. Just bleh. I'm dealing with it, but I'm making myself crazy. I can't relax without thinking I should be doing something.

As such, today is no thinking about work or my future day. I'm just going to rest, eat, relax and get my mind off of that stuff. There's always tomorrow for worrying.

Have a great Sunday.

A

So, this time last year was a pretty rough time for me. Also, since it was so bad, 2008 seemed as if it would be full of new beginnings and miracles. Well, it was. Since 2008 was so awesome, I find myself being apprehensive about 2009. Like, will it live up to 2008? 2008 flew by faster than I could ever imagine, but it was full of such growth and positivity, I just wish I could have enjoyed it even more.

My resolutions for last year are as follows:

-become completely financially independent (Nope.)

-finish and publish my first novel (LOL . . .no way, but I did manage to get published on the Internet.)

-find real love (Yes! I did!)-travel to at least one place outside of the US (No.)

-follow my dreams (Sorta . . .I interviewed for a job in NYC, but have yet to be offered a position. Should I wait? No idea.)

-become a little more physically fit (and lose the obligatory 10 pounds) (Let's just say, I actually GAINED 10 pounds.)

-be true to myself (I think I have been, for the most part. Not completely.)

-get rid of some debt (Yes! But I acquired some, too!)

So what did I learn? I learned A LOT about love and relationships. Mainly, how to be in one and how to love someone. It's been pretty exciting and tough. I am finally in a mature relationship with someone I love dearly. This is all so new to me, but I know I deserve it and I'm working on it everyday.

I learned how to take control of things better. I learned how to communicate better. I learned not everyone has bad intentions. I learned that some people are truly good. I learned positivity is very important. I learned not to commit to something just for the money.

Also, most importantly, I've discovered that some things in life are off the menu. You can't plan everything. For instance, look at my resolutions from last year, did I accomplish them all? Not even close. But am I SO happy and was it an UNBELIEVABLE year? Abso-fucking-lutely. :) Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

In 2009, I want to work on balance. Balancing "me" time with life time. Taking time out to work out more, something I truly enjoy doing and feeling. I want to balance being happy with making money. I just need more balance in so many areas of my life.

I want to do at least one of the following:

-Get an awesome, fun, fulfilling and VERY-WELL PAYING job.
-Go back to grad school for writing!
-Have excellent credit.
-Perform one gig singing! (Get back in touch with my creativity.)
-Move out of my mama's house.
-Win the lottery.

Other things:
I want to continue my beautiful relationship with my boyfriend. I want to continue to grow with him.
I want to be more positive and freak out less.
I want to continue being happy. :)

Here's to 2009!

Ebs and Flows of Money and Graduation

I've been out of college for almost three years. Two and a half, really. Anyway, I realized that I was broke for the first 3-4 months after graduation. Then I got a well-paying job I despised for about 8 months and made loads of money. Afterwards, I am broke again. I've been broke for the past year and change. Most of my friends, who have either decided by this time to go grad school or get married are broke too. We're all in the same boat. It's depressing. I don't even have a career or grad school to show for my brokeassness.

Bleh. Just thinking about this while I work for $10/hr at a temp job that requires me to sit on my ass and answer phones.

I am so unfulfilled. This can't last. :(

Also, you know how if you keep thinking about something, it'll happen. Sort of like a self-fulfilling prohecy? Yeah. I need to stop thinking negatively. POSTIVE THINKING ONLY! :)

I have $10 in my bank account.

There, I admitted it. I am broke as a fucking joke. I have $10 in my bank account. I feel worthless, sad, and helpless. There's really nothing I can do. I'm working as much as I can. I don't get paid until next Friday, so basically, it is what it is. Accordingly, I'm planning on spending lots of time holed up at home doing nothing. What else can I do? I think I'll also use this time to work out and get in shape. Clean up a little. Maybe write? Who knows. But basically, I will be doing nothing involved money.

My monitor to my laptop broke. Someone stepped on it over Thanksgiving holiday. Now I have a monitor I'm borrowing from my mom since there's NO WAY I can afford another Mac. I have the Powerbook G4 that I've had for three and a half years. I was planning on just getting another battery and uploading Mac OS XI Jaguar, but now it may not even be worth it. Oh well . . .

OH yeah, this probably deserves it's own post altogether, but the other night I was in a very agitated mood at dinner with my boyfriend. I had just finished working at a company I'm temping for during the holidays and afterwards I sat in the car for an hour and a half to get to where he lives. I was being so bitchy. I was bitchy for so many reasons but oddly I came out and said:

"I"m jealous of you because you can stay thin and eat whatever you want and I have to watch what I eat and I still gain weight!"

Yes, I told my boyfriend that I'm jealous of him because he is very skinny and I can't even button up pants I fit into fine last year. I haven't been working out at all, really. I've been eating fries, pizza, sweets and stuff, which is usually something I try to cut back on. Basically, I've began to let myself go and I wanted to blame someone or something. I'm ridiculous sometimes.

So I'm feeling shitty and he says he has a surprise after dinner. Turns out he had some pictures made of some pics he took of me over our summer vacation to his family's lake house. He said he needed pictures of me. He wanted to have some. I realized how much he loves me. It made me in a WAY better mood. I felt like such an idiot being so ridiculous.

That guy is made of love. Why am I worried about 5 or 10 pounds and the money in my bank account? I've got him.

4-minutes to blog

So I have to go walk our dog in 4 minutes (3 minutes now), but I wanted to research some more jobs before I left. Then I got discouraged because no jobs I find seem appealing around here. The one job I want right now is in NYC and I haven't heard back about it yet, so all I have to do is wait, wait, wait. Very frustrating.

I know I was put on this Earth for some reason. I know I have my family and friends that I love and may make a difference to and for. I know I can be the kind stranger who smiles and helps someone to (hopefully) have a pleasant day. I know I can be the sweet and thoughtful lover to my boy and what not. but . . .

I know I can be more, too. I know I can make a difference in the whole world. I know I can make a good living. I know I can be financially independent and stable with a HAPPY, FULFILLING, DREAM JOB!

I just wish it were all so easy.

So that's what I'll leave you with today. Gotta go walk this dog.

LOVE!
A

Fertile Land

an ex-ex-flame
of the unrequited nature
keeps burning into my reality
much to my dismay

to escape this dismay
i dive into the heat
and think that maybe
it can teach me a thing or two

(about making right decisions
and sticktoitivenessd. . .minus me)

we had fun and i cried
i burned for someone
who couldn't even light for me

so as the blaze simmers down
i wave goodbye to her
i knew her well, but he's long gone
the fire gave way to
fertile land

I've been in a lazy mood.

Hi beautiful people,

I am writing to you from my bed. I have been in and out of it since about one or two this afternoon. I've been spending most of my time watching "Doctor Who". I am addicted to it thanks to the boy. He let me borrow one series (or season in the States) of it that he got from his first mate. It's a British television show about time travel. It's really adventurous, campy, and smart. I miss London. My adventures there (about three years ago now!) were timeless. I still wear a lot of the clothes I bought while I was there. I always have a part of that place with me.

I've been a little lazy lately. I have been working out somewhat regularly and trying not to be too much of a pig, but other than that, I've been more than happy to sit on my ass watching television. I'm not even reading that much right now. I just don't feel like it.

I am still on the hunt for a part-time or full-time job to supplement my income. Mainly just to pay bills. I have no interest in starting a "career" here. After interviewing for the job in NYC (which I still haven't heard back from!I might not until after the Holidays!), I realize how badly I want to work there. I really want to work more in the music industry. I will always have writing, you know? I don't know. Talking to some of my friends who aren't broke, who are advancing in their careers and what not, makes me feel really shitty. Envious, even. I wish I was financially in great shape to buy "extras" and to comfortably cover my overhead at the least. I don't even have that. I mean, I'm happy. I love my part-time job I have no at the Club, but it just ain't paying the bills. Why does this have to be so hard?

At least I can justify sitting on my ass and playing on my computer because I'm not spending any money. :)

Yesterday I spent some time at the library doing research. I had an epiphany. It's this weird energy that I get when I'm there amongst books sometimes. It's like they are things that people have filled with special thoughts and information that they want the world to see and it affects me. I know I sound like a looney chick, but I just get positive energy from libraries.

ANYWAY- so here's what I jotted down:

"I have this baby inside of me that has been waiting to be birthed for some time. Before I wanted to be a famous rockstar even. (I've always thought performing on stage is my dream, and I still do, but I haven't done so in YEARS!) I want to represent women and girls, give them hope, let them love themselves, live better lives. I can't explain it. I see it. I feel it. I just need it to come to fruition. I'm open and I recieve it. 11/19/08"

Blah. It sucks not knowing the next step.


Well, I'm off to continue watching "Doctor Who". Until next time . . .

A