I have $10 in my bank account.

There, I admitted it. I am broke as a fucking joke. I have $10 in my bank account. I feel worthless, sad, and helpless. There's really nothing I can do. I'm working as much as I can. I don't get paid until next Friday, so basically, it is what it is. Accordingly, I'm planning on spending lots of time holed up at home doing nothing. What else can I do? I think I'll also use this time to work out and get in shape. Clean up a little. Maybe write? Who knows. But basically, I will be doing nothing involved money.

My monitor to my laptop broke. Someone stepped on it over Thanksgiving holiday. Now I have a monitor I'm borrowing from my mom since there's NO WAY I can afford another Mac. I have the Powerbook G4 that I've had for three and a half years. I was planning on just getting another battery and uploading Mac OS XI Jaguar, but now it may not even be worth it. Oh well . . .

OH yeah, this probably deserves it's own post altogether, but the other night I was in a very agitated mood at dinner with my boyfriend. I had just finished working at a company I'm temping for during the holidays and afterwards I sat in the car for an hour and a half to get to where he lives. I was being so bitchy. I was bitchy for so many reasons but oddly I came out and said:

"I"m jealous of you because you can stay thin and eat whatever you want and I have to watch what I eat and I still gain weight!"

Yes, I told my boyfriend that I'm jealous of him because he is very skinny and I can't even button up pants I fit into fine last year. I haven't been working out at all, really. I've been eating fries, pizza, sweets and stuff, which is usually something I try to cut back on. Basically, I've began to let myself go and I wanted to blame someone or something. I'm ridiculous sometimes.

So I'm feeling shitty and he says he has a surprise after dinner. Turns out he had some pictures made of some pics he took of me over our summer vacation to his family's lake house. He said he needed pictures of me. He wanted to have some. I realized how much he loves me. It made me in a WAY better mood. I felt like such an idiot being so ridiculous.

That guy is made of love. Why am I worried about 5 or 10 pounds and the money in my bank account? I've got him.

Like me for me

In a lot of romantic relationships I've been in, and even platonic relationships, I've gotten the feeling that the other person has wanted to change something about me. I've felt like I had to do some convincing of some sort for that person to want to be with me, even as a friend. In my truest and most comfortable relationships, that's not the case. In those awesome relationships, I feel as though I can just be myself, whoever that person may be at any given time. I can be neurotic, dorky, sleepy, moody or whatever, because guess what? That's me sometimes. No pretenses. No judgements. Just plain ol' me.

You know, it's occurred to me that this could all just be in my head. Maybe no one feels these certain ways about me. Maybe I'm putting all this undue pressure on myself for some unknown reason. I want to get to the point where I can just be.

There are changes being discussed in my current romantic relationship and it's to the point where I have to "sell" my partner on a certain idea or dream for him (or for me?). I feel very uncomfortable doing this because it doesn't seem right. He should want something for himself. Anyway, I've been there before. I've been in such unhealthy, hurtful relationships that made me feel as though I wasn't good enough because the other person didn't feel a certain way. I've thought, "Maybe if I was less this, he'd be more into me. Maybe if I was more like this, he'd be sure of things."

I'm tired of trying to convince people to do things. Right now I'm waiting to get a job offer and it's tiresome waiting for their decision. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I'm tired of convincing people of things.

In other news, I did yoga yesterday for the first time in months. I also had amazing workouts for a few days in a row and I'm feeling so much better about myself. I need more yoga in my life.

What I've Learned About Love 10/10/08 . . .

Love has taught me that not everyone has bad ulterior motives. Not everything is from a bad place. Love is not always critical. My boy is not from a bad place. He's so good, so positive, so optimistic. It's beautiful and is teaching me so much about mankind and myself. I'm growing all the time. I'm trying. I love him and our love is something I am so thankful I've been able to experience.

The only one I'm fighting in this relationship is myself and it's weird for me. I keep looking for a fight, but there just isn't one there. It breaks my heart that I could scar him in any way or hurt him. I want to be good, if only for him. If only to preserve his goodness.

Thats what I've learned.

What a difference a week makes . . .

Things are infinitely better today than they were last weekend. I have gone a terrific job interview and I am in talks for another amazing job in NYC that I want so badly it hurts. Life is looking so much better for me.

Of course I still have issues. I love my boyfriend so much and so badly that it frightens me (I don't want to end it with him). I have gained about 5-10 pounds in the past 5 months. I am still in debt. I need braces. I can't get to the gym when I want. It's endless . . .

But I feel so much better right now. More in control.

Thanks.

Annabelle Blue is feeling a little blue . . .

Hi faithful readers,

So, I'm feeling extremely shitty about things right now. Really. It's been a year since I quit my solid (and grossly unsatisfying) 9 to 5(:30) gig in search of myself, what I truly wanted and freedom. I am WORLDS happier than I was then, but sadly, I've come upon the realization that I'm just as lost. And still pretty confused. Oh yeah, and very, very broke.

My guy's birthday is Wednesday and I want to do something very special because this is an important birthday for him and guess what? I'm broke. I can't afford the things I want to do. He just moved back home with his parents and I'm living at home right now, too, so things are just rough and awkward and hard. Just plain and simply, things are harder and more difficult. (If you know what I'm saying . . .) We live so far away from each other and seeing each other requires spending money on gas, usually food and other things. A lot of times neither of us wants to make the drive and when we end up meeting somewhere to hang out we're usually at a loss about what to do.

He's going through a roughish time right now with figuring out what he wants to do, too. It just can't work with both of us in the same rut. Or maybe it can? I just don't know.

I love him, I truly do, and it's very hard to imagine that maybe if I wasn't in a relationship, I'd be more gung-ho about moving away, chasing whatever dreams I have and what not.

I just feel stuck.

He makes me so happy and I don't want to lose him. But, I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. Every fucking job I get and apply for makes me unhappy. The only satisfying thing about them is that I'd be making more money and I'd be able to move out. Forget about the bills upon bills that I need to pay. Never mind the fact that I don't really want to live in DC for another two years while I go to grad school here. I love working at the Club I work at, but it's by no means a career and I can't even SUPPORT myself as-is by working there. I just don't know anymore . . .

I still want to live in NYC. I don't know about going to school there, but it is a dream I've had. I love NYC and want to get there. If I could find a job there that I like, who's to say I shouldn't go there? Try it again. Although I still have doubts about that as well.

And grad school . . .really? Will that help me? I want to do it, but at this point, it's financially stupid. Especially without the guarantee that I won't be at the same place I am now. And what am I going to do while I'm working on school. I can't live at home and go to school. I'll have to work full-time again to support myself. And what about my relationship?

Simply put: I have no idea what to do. I'm looking for jobs left and right. I'm applying to a grad school program in Washington, DC. I'm hoping to move out by November. I've got lots of debt (student loan debt, medical bills, car, bills from my LAST apartment). My credit is shit.

God, I just need help. I need guidance. I need money. I need a career. I hate being so needy, but I am right now. Maybe putting this all out in the Universe will help somehow.

"She's Come Undone"

Just finished Wally Lamb's masterpiece "She's Come Undone" for the second time since I was fifteen or sixteen years old. It has touched me in places I've forgotten and that are pretty painful to revisit. The optimism and positivity that ends this book is more powerful to me than I remember it being. I've gotten so much more out of this than I did then, but that's not to say that it didn't deeply affect me as a teenager because it did.

Anyway, the title of the book always signified doom and gloom to me until this reading. The whole book is about all these terrible experiences that Dolores Price (the protagonist) goes though and yet the ending is so uplifting. I can relate more than I understand.

The title is misleading . . .

" 'Undone,' I write in the journal- stare at the words, turn it over. Jack Speight undid me, then I almost undid myself. But I've undone some of the bad, too, some of the damage. With help. With luck and love . . ."(page 463)

And then Mr. Pucci's last revelation:

"People waste their happiness - that's what makes me sad. Everyone's so scared to be happy." (page 456)

I find myself afraid of happiness all the time. I feel bad about enjoying myself. I feel guilty about being selfish. I feel guilty for being really happy. I sometimes create my own drama and difficulty. I'm afraid of stability. I'm learning though. I'm becoming undone.

Positivity.

Full

My boyfriend is always telling me how refreshing it is that I eat. Like it's something unique that not many women do. It makes me happy that he likes how I stuff my face around him. He thinks having an appetite is sexy. He thinks watching me eat is sexy. It's hot to him. He likes it. He thinks I'm sexy.

Who'd have ever thought the bigger girl, the chubby girl, the "fat" girl would be such a turn on?

He's always hungry and eats more than anyone I know . . .and he's skinnier than anyone I know. It's refreshing to be around him.

He's not the first guy who has thought eating was good, that I was good, that they thought I was fine the way I am . . .but he actually LIKES it.

He likes that I don't really care about my body being perfect, but at the same time, I'm healthy. I workout. I try not to eat too horribly. I care about being healthy, not about being skinny.

I tell him I'd rather be 10-20 pounds overweight, happy and showing signs of having indulged in good food and a good life than be super skinny and starved . . .

I'm full.

I'm full of a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. But, I'm full.

"You don't have to be all little and petite to be beautiful," he says. And I'm not, but I am.

I will always remember his words and tell girls (and my future daughter down the road) about what he thinks when they ask about attracting a boy. I'll tell them what it's about. About being happy in their own skin. About not living up to some ridiculous ideal of beauty that floats around like an airborne sickness.

Yes, I'm full.

Another scar . . .

The other morning lying in bed with The Boyfriend, I was telling the story of the scars I have, mainly physical (but we all know they're psychological as well), as he listened. He likes my body. I've heard it before, but there's so much wrong with it. Here's a list for all to read:

- I have stretch marks on my upper inner thighs, ass, hips, breasts and upper arms.
- I have cellulite on my legs and ass. Total cottage cheese.
- I have scars around my belly button from allergic reactions to nickle in belt buckles that I wear. (My skin is EXTREMELY sensitive.)
- I have many acne scars on my face.
- I have bike accident scars on the right side of my face.
- I have a scar from stitches on my left eyebrow.
- I have calluses on my toes and the insides of my hands. (Strange, I know. The Boyfriend affectionately referred to them as "Workers Hands" and it made me really self-conscious.)
- I have fat legs.
- I have dry skin.

I could go on and on. I need to love my body thoroughly before I can accept the love of it by another. It's something I've been working on for so long and I think I'm there and then . . .

this. It's stupid I know. As wonderful the compliments I've received about my body are, I still can't help but be reminded of all the mean things that people have said to me, including and perhaps especially ex-lovers. Sometimes I wish I could just escape it somehow.

The vulnerability I suffer from my body is nothing compared to the other vulnerabilities I have made myself vulnerable to with this new other human being I'm becoming vulnerable to and it's scary as hell.

Sometimes I feel so damaged and raw that I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and a new scar . . .just as the other ones have began to heal.

wake up, unravel

the Israel that i never knew
much more than myself
upon the lips i’ve never kissed
but imagine so well

the time i have spent
obsessing about my life
and the pestering superficialities
that cause me such strife

decisions making me
instead of the other way around
so many possibilities
cause me to shut down

i found myself in the Backbar
my 23 year old face in my hand
dreamily contemplating
the unraveling of my life plan

i once pulled the ball of yarn
with the naïveté of bliss
and kept dropping the string
because of lack of focus

i’m so over it all
mainly the lack of stability
the not-knowing is worn out

do i have the ability
to let go of the dream
of the me i was supposed to be
in the place i thought i’d be
when everything is piling against me?

but i inexplicably visualize
the sleeping lips
that i never kissed
and the feeling of his hands on my hips
still in my head

in an imperative whisper
i should have said:
"wake up, silly"

but i smiled instead

Drunk. (Homegirl needs a shrink!)

Okay, so I'm still really hung over right now. I will edit this once I sober up . . .or maybe I won't. I'm posting it now anyway.

I got REALLY wasted after work last night and started being a little bit crazy. The guy that I used to be interested in was there, so you can only imagine what happened. I told him not to be awkward with me anymore and he said he wasn't and that I was just being self-conscious. He's right, sorta. I guess what I meant to say is that I miss him being "into" me or at least pretending to be. So did I let it go? NO! I was rude to him and spiteful. I told him I didn't want to be known as "The Weird Girl Who Had A Crush on ##!!$#$" and everyone laughed because I was drunk and ridiculous. And then I said, "I don't even think I did like him . . .I just wanted to make out with him." Yes, I went there.

The truth is, he doesn't make it awkward. (Well, he has been weird with me lately, but it's probably because I've been kind of rude to him.) I make it awkward. ALL THE TIME! WITH EVERY GUY!

When we went out to eat at The Diner after the bar, I was frustrated. I wanted to say so much to him, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that he's so closed off and talking to him is like a brick wall. It all sort of hurts my heart and I KNOW it has no right to. He has NOTHING to do with me and THANK GOD, but I can't help but be drawn to him. Not because of how beautiful he is, but because I know his type . . .I know him. And he (and every other man I go after) is always the Unattainable Object to me. I can never have (insert latest name here), but he's always the one I want.

The Attainable Objects don't interest me. I don't care for 'em. It's self-destructive, maddening and embarrassing. I need to open myself up to love. I need to be less picky, I guess.

So I'm sitting here feeling so many things right now. Rejection isn't one of them. I feel lonely, foolish, scared, troubled, unstable, insecure, lost, and remorseful. I want comfort, love, romance, a date, passion, excitement, etc.

I know I don't belong here. I know where I belong, but being there won't fix my heart. It won't fix me getting drunk and feeling happy except for the fact that I don't have anyone to go home to or be excited about. It won't stop me from wondering why I can't meet a decent guy and have it be mutual and right.

Last night I saw these teenagers being all lovey and kissing each other during a Metal show at the club. I thought to myself, "Love comes so easily for a lot of people, why not for me? Why do I have such a hard time? Will I ever know a real relationship? Real love?" Of course it goes back to the 'rents, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just wish it came easier for me. I wish I was able to just do it without expecting it to be fantastic and wonderful and perfect because it never is, right? And that's okay. But why do I have such idealized images and will it be the end of me?

I've never seen either of my parents in a healthy relationship. They still don't actively pursue relationships with anyone. I guess this is what I know. Loneliness and discontent in love is what I've been taught.

But I want to change. I want to accept love. I want to be in love. I want to have a healthy relationship. I need to set the example for my parents, I guess.

I guess I still want to make out with a boy, but not just any boy. I don't want it to be some random hookup with someone I don't care about. I've been trying to hold out, but it's getting harder and harder. It seems as though I'm confusing "like" for "attracted to" again . . .although I thought I categorically knew the difference. I guess I don't. Why is it all so fucking hard?

PEACE AND LOVE

I had an epiphany today. I am so not relationship material.

I keep wondering why boys that I like never want to be in a relationship with me and how I can never find the right guy and I've come upon the conclusion that I'm so not ready for it.

I know, I know, I'm 23. I'm not getting any younger. I just don't have my fucking shit together. I am a complete mess in every way imaginable. Seriously. I am not ready to take on someone else's bullshit along with my own.

What's the point of crying about boys not wanting to be with me? Most of the boys I want to be with aren't boys that are relationship material anyway. The latest one I wasn't even that into, but I forced myself into it because I was way attracted to him, but did I want to BE with him? I don't know. I can't compete with his computer, his car and weed. That's what took up his time.

As I've said to my friends, give me 5 guys who are all the same in every way except one has a girlfriend, one is a pothead and the other three are single and ready to mingle. I will go for the one with the girlfriend, hands down. Next I'll try the one who's a pothead. Then I might date the single ones, but eventually end it.

WHY?

Because I'm not ready to commit. I'm comfortable with being turned down and being single. I'm okay thinking I'm ugly and undesirable, which is sad. I know I'm neither, but I also know I'm having too much damn fun being single and a mess. I want to date around. I want to have fun. I want to experience life. I want nothing to hold me back, especially no fucking whiny ass guy who has mood swings and makes me feel like shit for no apparent reason. Who wants that?

Don't feel bad for me. This is a very important and uplifting realization. It's empowering.

I am not where I want to be emotionally, career wise, financially, physically, life wise . . .Basically in every way. I am not ready for the commitment.

Who says you have to have a boyfriend? I want one, who doesn't want a soul mate, but I kind of like being single.

I would like to experience true love and happiness and all that jazz, but why force it? I'm going to work with what I have.

So my concentration is my career in 2008 and to continue my personal growth. I have gotten a little thrown off with that whole thing for the past couple of months, but I'm back.

I am looking for freelance writing jobs and finally buckling down with it. By the end of 2008 I hope to be living on my own and have a more straightforward career plan.

Have a good weekend, y'all!

(Side note: I cut my hair short and I love it.)