Maybe it just takes me longer.

I was working at a dismal temp job yesterday and thanking the Lord that it wasn't a permanent placement. As lowly and judged I sometimes feel working at a company for short stints doing mind-numbing work, I am so glad to still have my freedom! Waking up and realizing that tonight I get to work at an awesome place with awesome people (even if I get sick of the commute and the late nights) made me happy. I don't have to go into an office and sit at a cubicle without sunlight all day!

It got me thinking. It took me a little longer to find an AWESOME relationship with an AWESOME guy. Maybe it's just going to take me longer to find my career path. I know I'll get there one day. I can't beat myself up over it because there's no point.

True, I want to be making more money. True, I thought it'd be on my own financially by now, but you know what? It's okay. I'll get there.

So my new motto? Relax. Just try my best. Take it easy.

"Don't forget to have a good time." - Ani DiFranco

"GIRL, YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"

So I am like a bundle of nervous energy right now. I have no clue why. It's pretty ridiculous. I am worried about being a good person, worried about time and just about EVERYTHING. I don't know what's going on.

Why do I care so much about everyone's opinion of me? Why is being a "good person" so important to me?

-I'm thinking should I sacrifice the plans I already have in order to work at the Club because they need people? One girl I work with said it's "obnoxious" not to work it. Well, this is a busy weekend for me, so technically I can't. What do I do?

-Yesterday at the gym, one of the instructors was looking at my arms jiggle during some punches I was doing. I SWEAR SHE DOES BECAUSE SHE MADE A COMMENT ABOUT GETTING TIGHTER ARMS BEFORE! It pisses me off. But I caught myself looking at someone else's unfortunate body mishap later in the day and I think they noticed and now I feel SO ROTTEN about it. Ugh. :(

-So this woman I work with is the talk of everyone. They are all saying shit about her not doing her job well and blahblahblah. It pissed me off until I witnessed firsthand how she did things differently. The smart thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut, but I made an offhand comment to one of my other co-workers about how the lady didn't seem to even CARE that she did little things differently, and now she's telling our manager. WHAT THE FUCK?! So now I'm a tattletale. I don't even know why I said anything . . .I wish it could be some altrustic "for-the-greater-good" shit, but I think it's personal because I'm new and still doing things wrong, so I wanted to feel better about everything or something. And to tell you the truth, I despise gossipy-behind-the-back talk and guess what? I'm sooooooo guilty of it. I do it ALL the time. I'm just, like, so disgusted with my OWN actions.

I know, it's pretty stupid that I'm being so self-conscious. I just don't know what the hell my problem is lately. I need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! I need YOGA and quiet meditation or else I might lose my head.

The Sims 2

i just finished playing The Sims 2 for about four hours. i once wrote a philosophical essay in college about The Sims 2. i have been playing since high school and i go through periods of time where i play it often and enjoy it.

oh yeah, speaking of writing, check out this article that i wrote for suite101.com: http://hair-care.suite101.com/article.cfm/relaxers

nuts, i'm a published writer now! i'm so motivated to query my ass off to get more of my writing out there. it feels so good to be doing something that i love. it doesn't feel like work.

oh yeah, and i've been talking about McDonalds for a few days with various people so i caved in and ate some today. i normally try to stay away, but i fucking love McDonalds fries. i got filet o'fish meal. so good. it was so worth it.

i saw The Hives at 930 Club last night and it was sweet. my best friends came with and we had a good time, even though neither of them really knew anything about the band. i love those girls so much!

i'm super tired. i'm going to go put some acne cream my face and pass out. then tomorrow i'll do all the shit i didn't get to today.

Drunk. (Homegirl needs a shrink!)

Okay, so I'm still really hung over right now. I will edit this once I sober up . . .or maybe I won't. I'm posting it now anyway.

I got REALLY wasted after work last night and started being a little bit crazy. The guy that I used to be interested in was there, so you can only imagine what happened. I told him not to be awkward with me anymore and he said he wasn't and that I was just being self-conscious. He's right, sorta. I guess what I meant to say is that I miss him being "into" me or at least pretending to be. So did I let it go? NO! I was rude to him and spiteful. I told him I didn't want to be known as "The Weird Girl Who Had A Crush on ##!!$#$" and everyone laughed because I was drunk and ridiculous. And then I said, "I don't even think I did like him . . .I just wanted to make out with him." Yes, I went there.

The truth is, he doesn't make it awkward. (Well, he has been weird with me lately, but it's probably because I've been kind of rude to him.) I make it awkward. ALL THE TIME! WITH EVERY GUY!

When we went out to eat at The Diner after the bar, I was frustrated. I wanted to say so much to him, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that he's so closed off and talking to him is like a brick wall. It all sort of hurts my heart and I KNOW it has no right to. He has NOTHING to do with me and THANK GOD, but I can't help but be drawn to him. Not because of how beautiful he is, but because I know his type . . .I know him. And he (and every other man I go after) is always the Unattainable Object to me. I can never have (insert latest name here), but he's always the one I want.

The Attainable Objects don't interest me. I don't care for 'em. It's self-destructive, maddening and embarrassing. I need to open myself up to love. I need to be less picky, I guess.

So I'm sitting here feeling so many things right now. Rejection isn't one of them. I feel lonely, foolish, scared, troubled, unstable, insecure, lost, and remorseful. I want comfort, love, romance, a date, passion, excitement, etc.

I know I don't belong here. I know where I belong, but being there won't fix my heart. It won't fix me getting drunk and feeling happy except for the fact that I don't have anyone to go home to or be excited about. It won't stop me from wondering why I can't meet a decent guy and have it be mutual and right.

Last night I saw these teenagers being all lovey and kissing each other during a Metal show at the club. I thought to myself, "Love comes so easily for a lot of people, why not for me? Why do I have such a hard time? Will I ever know a real relationship? Real love?" Of course it goes back to the 'rents, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just wish it came easier for me. I wish I was able to just do it without expecting it to be fantastic and wonderful and perfect because it never is, right? And that's okay. But why do I have such idealized images and will it be the end of me?

I've never seen either of my parents in a healthy relationship. They still don't actively pursue relationships with anyone. I guess this is what I know. Loneliness and discontent in love is what I've been taught.

But I want to change. I want to accept love. I want to be in love. I want to have a healthy relationship. I need to set the example for my parents, I guess.

I guess I still want to make out with a boy, but not just any boy. I don't want it to be some random hookup with someone I don't care about. I've been trying to hold out, but it's getting harder and harder. It seems as though I'm confusing "like" for "attracted to" again . . .although I thought I categorically knew the difference. I guess I don't. Why is it all so fucking hard?

FYI

Is everyone really just depressed most of the time?

I keep running into people that are depressed and I want to help them so much, but I feel as though some people find it annoying and are offended by it. Some people don't perceive my happiness and positivity as a good thing or even a genuine thing.

I am a positive person, but I have dark moods sometimes, too. I get down. I think it's all about the way in which you handle your issues.

I cannot be around perpetually negative, depressed, and sad people. It brings me down and it doesn't do me (or anyone else) any good. Maybe I'm inconsiderate and not very compassionate, but I can't deal with it. I want them to be happy, but I can't handle being around the sadness all the time. Especially when they don't try to help themselves. Some people are just more comfortable being unhappy, I suppose. Again, I believe we should be allowed to be upset, but when you don't try to make things better, that's when I have a problem.

Let me just keep singing along in my happy, positive little world.

Edit: Tonight I said something really alarming to my friends . . .it shocked me how cruel it sounded. But I said, if you're not living your life and doing what makes you happy, you're basically a waste of space. Isn't that horribly insensitive and stupid of me to say?

Ugh.

You know, I was talking to a friend last night about how fucked up my luck is with regard to love and relationships. It's so redundant that I really feel foolish for even blogging about it anymore. I've been thinking about things a lot lately (as per usual) and it's driving me insane. I'm confused. I don't know what's what anymore. I've been such a good girl lately and I don't intend on spiraling back into my period of bad decisions, but something has got to change.

I'm feeling incredibly low right now. I can't keep walking away from people feeling empty and unfinished. That's how I feel every single time I say goodbye to this guy. It's never right. And I can't make it right, so I think I'll just have to accept that it isn't. And it's hard because I believe in us sometimes, but it feels like maybe I'm the only one. I'm always so alone.

And then there's this guy who will NOT talk to me anymore. I've poured my heart out to him and tried to get closure, I've moved on (but I'll still probably always adore him) and now it's just a matter of me thinking, "Hey, we were once friends, right? Can we just at least acknowledge that?" I guess not, huh? Did I do something so horrible that he can't even speak to me anymore? I know it's not my loss really, but it hurts. It doesn't hurt that it didn't work out, it hurts that he doesn't care to even know how I'm doing. That's what hurts. Even if he was just one of my girl friends, I'd still be hurt by ANYONE not talking or showing any interest in me who was once in my life. And if it's a matter of high school shit like "he told me this about you" or what have you, that's bullshit. But whatever. I can't even think about this anymore.

And my future is so uncertain. I feel the compulsion to move out of my house, but I'm so unstable as far as employment is concerned. I hate every job except working at 9:30 Club. It's like a cult, seriously. It's addicting because it's such a fun job and the people are so cool. I need to become a bit of a hermit and just continue to write this project I'm working on, but my stupid boring day job keeps getting in the way. I think I have to quit and be poor again. Not ideal, but I know it'll be better.

I feel as though I'm losing my sense of self. I had it a few weeks ago, but it's leaving me again. I'm too busy to even remember what I have to do anymore.

Alcoholics

I am part of a love trapezoid at my night job. One girl I've befriended likes the guy I sort of like and he likes me, but his friend asked me out on a date and it's awkward. So I went out with the friend, and then I acted weird and finally tonight I told the friend that I just wanted to be his friend, nothing more.

Holy shit! Is that me becoming mature? I nipped it in the bud and we are, if you can believe it, OKAY! Better, even. WOW! He's mature, too. Why can't all guys be like this. SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN. It's not that hard. My god.

But I am still undecided about the guy I sort of like, for various reasons, but I can't even explore him because we're rarely alone and I don't want to upset anyone. He even lives with two of my co-workers, so it's not like we do it on the dl. Maybe we can figure something out . . .

I'm petrified of letting myself truly fall for him. He works at 9:30 Club and he's 30 years old. He's kind of immature. Most of the guys I work with are immature and/or alcoholics. I went drinking with a bunch of them after work tonight. Is this what they become amongst each other? Talking about how drunk they got and what they did. It gets boring.

And I found myself longing for thought-provolking conversation about art, literature or even celebrity culture. The reality of the stuntedness of some of the people I work with is rearing it's head and I'm contemplating a future. Right now, it's fun and I can handle it. But forever? I don't know. Can I really be with someone who's primary job is this? I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Standing on the corner of 9th and V street, cold, waiting for the other boys to come across the street, with the girl who likes you driving off angrily, I looked up at you and I just thought: "Here I am."

There I was.

Gossip Girl

Hi guys,

I thought I'd drop y'all a line since it's been a few days. Seriously, having two jobs and balancing living, eating and breathing is incredibly hard. I've been out of touch with friends, eating and spending money on food I shouldn't be eating, and working out regularly has been pretty impossible. It's such a drastic change from, like, two weeks ago when I only had 9:30 Club and planned my day around The Tyra Banks Show and Oprah.

9:30 Club is going pretty well. I hate coming home and feeling anxious though, which happens sometimes. I'm still so concerned with what a lot of people I work with think. I feel like I'm still new and people are still feeling me out.

Gossip is something I've had trouble with in the past and now I'm trying to get stop all of that for good. I have been doing pretty well until tonight when I mentioned how one of my coworkers never does any work, but always tries to tell other people what to do. It's true, but I should've kept my mouth shut. I also told two of my coworkers about my crush on another coworker. I probably shouldn't have done so, but I guess it couldn't hurt if he found out I'm interested. (This is not the post to talk about that subject!)

Gossip is so pervasive and yet such a sign of insecurity. Are we girls so insecure that we need to gossip about everyone? I try not to and you know what, I totally gossiped about my other coworker for all the wrong reasons. Do I really care that this person doesn't work? Not really. I guess I was just trying to "bond" with the coworker I gossiped to. How pathetic.

I am trying to be impeccable with my word. I shouldn't talk shit and I shouldn't embellish the truth or flat out lie. These are things that are important to me, and I must do adhere to these rules.

On another note, my brother is writing a book and just sent me a draft of a few chapters. I have yet to read them (I'm too busy), but I look forward to taking a look . . .I just hope he doesn't "go there" because I'm an emotional wreck about my childhood sometimes.

Okay, that's it for now. Goodnight, everyone!

Lessons at 9:30: All Access Pass

I started working at Nightclub 9:30 (more commonly known as "The 9:30 Club") in September. I'm going to do a continuing series of posts about things I've learned about music, life, myself, people, and more from this amazing opportunity. . .

I've gotten to know a lot about bands/musicians by the way they treat their fans, the staff at the club, and even by the way they hold up their backstage pass (if at all).

Some talent (what we call the musicians) hold up their all access passes whenever they pass us before going backstage. A few flash their pass really quick without even looking at us. Some just merely walk by without even a jester to find their pass.

I find it interesting that often the backup singers/dancers/musicians in the OPENING ACT are INSULTED if you ask to see their pass. Once some guys who were trumpet players or something for The Roots said to me: "Didn't you just SEE me on stage?" Dude, there were like 50 other people on stage, too! I don't just sit there and look at the stage the whole time because my job isn't to sit there and watch the stage and remember all the people on it. Stuff like that really annoys me. It's pretentious and inconsiderate to not recognize that we're merely doing our jobs.

When the talent or tour managers or whoever actually takes the time out to talk to us and show us their backstage pass EACH TIME, it gives us the illusion that they are humble. It shows they know that we're just doing our jobs and that it's nothing personal, no matter how big they are or how small I am. Those are the people that I respect and have kind feelings toward. Even a half smile or eye contact while walking by me shows me that you're a nice person, or at least, you care if people think you're nice. You can't ask too much from people with huge egos, can you?

One of my favorite bands is Incubus. My friend worked at a show that they performed at and said Brandon Boyd (the lead singer) showed his backstage pass to her EACH TIME he walked by. That really shows his respectful nature and kindness as a person. As if I needed another reason to find him delicious . . .

I'm very interested in the humanity of rock stars. I'm interested in humanity as a whole, but I really enjoy hearing stories and observing first hand the positive habits and attitudes of rock stars. That is what is inspiring to me.