Like me for me

In a lot of romantic relationships I've been in, and even platonic relationships, I've gotten the feeling that the other person has wanted to change something about me. I've felt like I had to do some convincing of some sort for that person to want to be with me, even as a friend. In my truest and most comfortable relationships, that's not the case. In those awesome relationships, I feel as though I can just be myself, whoever that person may be at any given time. I can be neurotic, dorky, sleepy, moody or whatever, because guess what? That's me sometimes. No pretenses. No judgements. Just plain ol' me.

You know, it's occurred to me that this could all just be in my head. Maybe no one feels these certain ways about me. Maybe I'm putting all this undue pressure on myself for some unknown reason. I want to get to the point where I can just be.

There are changes being discussed in my current romantic relationship and it's to the point where I have to "sell" my partner on a certain idea or dream for him (or for me?). I feel very uncomfortable doing this because it doesn't seem right. He should want something for himself. Anyway, I've been there before. I've been in such unhealthy, hurtful relationships that made me feel as though I wasn't good enough because the other person didn't feel a certain way. I've thought, "Maybe if I was less this, he'd be more into me. Maybe if I was more like this, he'd be sure of things."

I'm tired of trying to convince people to do things. Right now I'm waiting to get a job offer and it's tiresome waiting for their decision. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I'm tired of convincing people of things.

In other news, I did yoga yesterday for the first time in months. I also had amazing workouts for a few days in a row and I'm feeling so much better about myself. I need more yoga in my life.

What I've Learned About Love 10/10/08 . . .

Love has taught me that not everyone has bad ulterior motives. Not everything is from a bad place. Love is not always critical. My boy is not from a bad place. He's so good, so positive, so optimistic. It's beautiful and is teaching me so much about mankind and myself. I'm growing all the time. I'm trying. I love him and our love is something I am so thankful I've been able to experience.

The only one I'm fighting in this relationship is myself and it's weird for me. I keep looking for a fight, but there just isn't one there. It breaks my heart that I could scar him in any way or hurt him. I want to be good, if only for him. If only to preserve his goodness.

Thats what I've learned.

What a difference a week makes . . .

Things are infinitely better today than they were last weekend. I have gone a terrific job interview and I am in talks for another amazing job in NYC that I want so badly it hurts. Life is looking so much better for me.

Of course I still have issues. I love my boyfriend so much and so badly that it frightens me (I don't want to end it with him). I have gained about 5-10 pounds in the past 5 months. I am still in debt. I need braces. I can't get to the gym when I want. It's endless . . .

But I feel so much better right now. More in control.

Thanks.

Annabelle Blue is feeling a little blue . . .

Hi faithful readers,

So, I'm feeling extremely shitty about things right now. Really. It's been a year since I quit my solid (and grossly unsatisfying) 9 to 5(:30) gig in search of myself, what I truly wanted and freedom. I am WORLDS happier than I was then, but sadly, I've come upon the realization that I'm just as lost. And still pretty confused. Oh yeah, and very, very broke.

My guy's birthday is Wednesday and I want to do something very special because this is an important birthday for him and guess what? I'm broke. I can't afford the things I want to do. He just moved back home with his parents and I'm living at home right now, too, so things are just rough and awkward and hard. Just plain and simply, things are harder and more difficult. (If you know what I'm saying . . .) We live so far away from each other and seeing each other requires spending money on gas, usually food and other things. A lot of times neither of us wants to make the drive and when we end up meeting somewhere to hang out we're usually at a loss about what to do.

He's going through a roughish time right now with figuring out what he wants to do, too. It just can't work with both of us in the same rut. Or maybe it can? I just don't know.

I love him, I truly do, and it's very hard to imagine that maybe if I wasn't in a relationship, I'd be more gung-ho about moving away, chasing whatever dreams I have and what not.

I just feel stuck.

He makes me so happy and I don't want to lose him. But, I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. Every fucking job I get and apply for makes me unhappy. The only satisfying thing about them is that I'd be making more money and I'd be able to move out. Forget about the bills upon bills that I need to pay. Never mind the fact that I don't really want to live in DC for another two years while I go to grad school here. I love working at the Club I work at, but it's by no means a career and I can't even SUPPORT myself as-is by working there. I just don't know anymore . . .

I still want to live in NYC. I don't know about going to school there, but it is a dream I've had. I love NYC and want to get there. If I could find a job there that I like, who's to say I shouldn't go there? Try it again. Although I still have doubts about that as well.

And grad school . . .really? Will that help me? I want to do it, but at this point, it's financially stupid. Especially without the guarantee that I won't be at the same place I am now. And what am I going to do while I'm working on school. I can't live at home and go to school. I'll have to work full-time again to support myself. And what about my relationship?

Simply put: I have no idea what to do. I'm looking for jobs left and right. I'm applying to a grad school program in Washington, DC. I'm hoping to move out by November. I've got lots of debt (student loan debt, medical bills, car, bills from my LAST apartment). My credit is shit.

God, I just need help. I need guidance. I need money. I need a career. I hate being so needy, but I am right now. Maybe putting this all out in the Universe will help somehow.

Full

My boyfriend is always telling me how refreshing it is that I eat. Like it's something unique that not many women do. It makes me happy that he likes how I stuff my face around him. He thinks having an appetite is sexy. He thinks watching me eat is sexy. It's hot to him. He likes it. He thinks I'm sexy.

Who'd have ever thought the bigger girl, the chubby girl, the "fat" girl would be such a turn on?

He's always hungry and eats more than anyone I know . . .and he's skinnier than anyone I know. It's refreshing to be around him.

He's not the first guy who has thought eating was good, that I was good, that they thought I was fine the way I am . . .but he actually LIKES it.

He likes that I don't really care about my body being perfect, but at the same time, I'm healthy. I workout. I try not to eat too horribly. I care about being healthy, not about being skinny.

I tell him I'd rather be 10-20 pounds overweight, happy and showing signs of having indulged in good food and a good life than be super skinny and starved . . .

I'm full.

I'm full of a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. But, I'm full.

"You don't have to be all little and petite to be beautiful," he says. And I'm not, but I am.

I will always remember his words and tell girls (and my future daughter down the road) about what he thinks when they ask about attracting a boy. I'll tell them what it's about. About being happy in their own skin. About not living up to some ridiculous ideal of beauty that floats around like an airborne sickness.

Yes, I'm full.

Another scar . . .

The other morning lying in bed with The Boyfriend, I was telling the story of the scars I have, mainly physical (but we all know they're psychological as well), as he listened. He likes my body. I've heard it before, but there's so much wrong with it. Here's a list for all to read:

- I have stretch marks on my upper inner thighs, ass, hips, breasts and upper arms.
- I have cellulite on my legs and ass. Total cottage cheese.
- I have scars around my belly button from allergic reactions to nickle in belt buckles that I wear. (My skin is EXTREMELY sensitive.)
- I have many acne scars on my face.
- I have bike accident scars on the right side of my face.
- I have a scar from stitches on my left eyebrow.
- I have calluses on my toes and the insides of my hands. (Strange, I know. The Boyfriend affectionately referred to them as "Workers Hands" and it made me really self-conscious.)
- I have fat legs.
- I have dry skin.

I could go on and on. I need to love my body thoroughly before I can accept the love of it by another. It's something I've been working on for so long and I think I'm there and then . . .

this. It's stupid I know. As wonderful the compliments I've received about my body are, I still can't help but be reminded of all the mean things that people have said to me, including and perhaps especially ex-lovers. Sometimes I wish I could just escape it somehow.

The vulnerability I suffer from my body is nothing compared to the other vulnerabilities I have made myself vulnerable to with this new other human being I'm becoming vulnerable to and it's scary as hell.

Sometimes I feel so damaged and raw that I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and a new scar . . .just as the other ones have began to heal.

Drunk. (Homegirl needs a shrink!)

Okay, so I'm still really hung over right now. I will edit this once I sober up . . .or maybe I won't. I'm posting it now anyway.

I got REALLY wasted after work last night and started being a little bit crazy. The guy that I used to be interested in was there, so you can only imagine what happened. I told him not to be awkward with me anymore and he said he wasn't and that I was just being self-conscious. He's right, sorta. I guess what I meant to say is that I miss him being "into" me or at least pretending to be. So did I let it go? NO! I was rude to him and spiteful. I told him I didn't want to be known as "The Weird Girl Who Had A Crush on ##!!$#$" and everyone laughed because I was drunk and ridiculous. And then I said, "I don't even think I did like him . . .I just wanted to make out with him." Yes, I went there.

The truth is, he doesn't make it awkward. (Well, he has been weird with me lately, but it's probably because I've been kind of rude to him.) I make it awkward. ALL THE TIME! WITH EVERY GUY!

When we went out to eat at The Diner after the bar, I was frustrated. I wanted to say so much to him, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that he's so closed off and talking to him is like a brick wall. It all sort of hurts my heart and I KNOW it has no right to. He has NOTHING to do with me and THANK GOD, but I can't help but be drawn to him. Not because of how beautiful he is, but because I know his type . . .I know him. And he (and every other man I go after) is always the Unattainable Object to me. I can never have (insert latest name here), but he's always the one I want.

The Attainable Objects don't interest me. I don't care for 'em. It's self-destructive, maddening and embarrassing. I need to open myself up to love. I need to be less picky, I guess.

So I'm sitting here feeling so many things right now. Rejection isn't one of them. I feel lonely, foolish, scared, troubled, unstable, insecure, lost, and remorseful. I want comfort, love, romance, a date, passion, excitement, etc.

I know I don't belong here. I know where I belong, but being there won't fix my heart. It won't fix me getting drunk and feeling happy except for the fact that I don't have anyone to go home to or be excited about. It won't stop me from wondering why I can't meet a decent guy and have it be mutual and right.

Last night I saw these teenagers being all lovey and kissing each other during a Metal show at the club. I thought to myself, "Love comes so easily for a lot of people, why not for me? Why do I have such a hard time? Will I ever know a real relationship? Real love?" Of course it goes back to the 'rents, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just wish it came easier for me. I wish I was able to just do it without expecting it to be fantastic and wonderful and perfect because it never is, right? And that's okay. But why do I have such idealized images and will it be the end of me?

I've never seen either of my parents in a healthy relationship. They still don't actively pursue relationships with anyone. I guess this is what I know. Loneliness and discontent in love is what I've been taught.

But I want to change. I want to accept love. I want to be in love. I want to have a healthy relationship. I need to set the example for my parents, I guess.

I guess I still want to make out with a boy, but not just any boy. I don't want it to be some random hookup with someone I don't care about. I've been trying to hold out, but it's getting harder and harder. It seems as though I'm confusing "like" for "attracted to" again . . .although I thought I categorically knew the difference. I guess I don't. Why is it all so fucking hard?

FYI

Sometimes a girl just needs to make mistakes . . .but if the mistakes take control of you, that's when you know it's time to stop. It's time to take control back. It's time for a re-evaluation.

My latest love interest is completely emotionally unavailable and apparently, isn't that into me. Whatever. I've learned I cannot waste my time with someone who isn't into me. There's no point. I hope he has a nice, functional life. So now I'm playing it cool. I've forgotten about the kisses, the embraces, the whatever the hell else happened. It means nothing. It meant nothing to him then and it means nothing to me now.

It's just that easy. (Side note: He still flirts with me and shit. I have to tell him to stop. Somehow it seems like he's more attracted to me now that I've "gotten over" him. WTF!?)


I guess I was never that into him either. From day one, I said he's like a brick wall. He's so fucking emotionally unavailable that it's sad. I've known it since our first real conversation, but somehow I thought I could change him. Even other people thought I'd be the one to change him.

HAHA! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!

So, when have you ever heard of an unavailable, dangerously independent, and scared man changing because of a girl? It doesn't happen. My mom stayed married to a man for 20 years in hopes that she'd change him and guess what? SHE DIDN'T! And guess what else? He's my dad!

A person has to change because they want to and it has to be on their own terms. Sure, maybe the latest guy I was into just needs "the right girl," but any self-respecting girl will not stick around and be pushed away.

And if said girl is lucky, the guy will just run away anyway.

I have dealt with SO MANY guys and in so many different situations. I'm no longer jaded. My guard is up. I feel like a wise woman. I know when it's time to let go, but sometimes I still make mistakes. Sometimes I (stupidly) put myself in situations that are way beneath me.

But I learn and grow from them. I get hurt and then I get better. That's how life goes. There's no big mystery to it.

And for the record, can I just say I'm WAY OVER unavailable men. There is nothing ~*~*~*mysterious*~*~ or ~*~*~*alluring*~*~*~ about them. So over it.

So, ladies, here are deal breakers:

1.) He has a girlfriend. (DON'T EVEN LOOK TWICE!)
2.) He is always on his computer. (ESPECIALLY IF HE'S ALWAYS ON MYSPACE! MAJOR RED FLAG!)
3.) He smokes weed all the time. (Unless you smoke all the time too, I don't see this working.)
4.) He doesn't call you. (DUH!)
5.) He stands you up. (PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S ON MYSPACE.)
6.) He makes you feel stupid.
7.) He only pays attention to you when he's drunk.
8.) He tries to wine and dine you. (WHAT IS HE HIDING?)
9.) He doesn't have ambition. (NO LIFE PLAN. NO CAREER GOALS. NO THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FUTURE. WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT IN HIS FUTURE EITHER . . .HOPEFULLY.)
10.) He is 38 years old and you're 23. And he's your boss. And he has a girlfriend. And he makes you feel uncomfortable. And he asks you if you sleep naked or with pajamas. And he keeps harassing you about your lack of a boyfriend. (HE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU. HE WANTS TO RELIVE HIS YOUTH. WHY CAN'T HE FIND A WOMAN HIS OWN AGE? HE IS GROSS!)

That's all for now.

PEACE AND LOVE

I had an epiphany today. I am so not relationship material.

I keep wondering why boys that I like never want to be in a relationship with me and how I can never find the right guy and I've come upon the conclusion that I'm so not ready for it.

I know, I know, I'm 23. I'm not getting any younger. I just don't have my fucking shit together. I am a complete mess in every way imaginable. Seriously. I am not ready to take on someone else's bullshit along with my own.

What's the point of crying about boys not wanting to be with me? Most of the boys I want to be with aren't boys that are relationship material anyway. The latest one I wasn't even that into, but I forced myself into it because I was way attracted to him, but did I want to BE with him? I don't know. I can't compete with his computer, his car and weed. That's what took up his time.

As I've said to my friends, give me 5 guys who are all the same in every way except one has a girlfriend, one is a pothead and the other three are single and ready to mingle. I will go for the one with the girlfriend, hands down. Next I'll try the one who's a pothead. Then I might date the single ones, but eventually end it.

WHY?

Because I'm not ready to commit. I'm comfortable with being turned down and being single. I'm okay thinking I'm ugly and undesirable, which is sad. I know I'm neither, but I also know I'm having too much damn fun being single and a mess. I want to date around. I want to have fun. I want to experience life. I want nothing to hold me back, especially no fucking whiny ass guy who has mood swings and makes me feel like shit for no apparent reason. Who wants that?

Don't feel bad for me. This is a very important and uplifting realization. It's empowering.

I am not where I want to be emotionally, career wise, financially, physically, life wise . . .Basically in every way. I am not ready for the commitment.

Who says you have to have a boyfriend? I want one, who doesn't want a soul mate, but I kind of like being single.

I would like to experience true love and happiness and all that jazz, but why force it? I'm going to work with what I have.

So my concentration is my career in 2008 and to continue my personal growth. I have gotten a little thrown off with that whole thing for the past couple of months, but I'm back.

I am looking for freelance writing jobs and finally buckling down with it. By the end of 2008 I hope to be living on my own and have a more straightforward career plan.

Have a good weekend, y'all!

(Side note: I cut my hair short and I love it.)

Pit stops

It's like all I ever do is wait alone, chase or run. That's it. Always. Is this what love is? Wait, chase, run? Chase, run, wait. Run, chase, wait. Wait, run, chase . . .

I just want to stand still with someone for a bit . . .without my running shoes. And without his. Everyone else seems to take a break once in awhile. I've been doing a marathon, with a few tiny pit stops for water, but I'm never completely stopped and the finish line seems way out of sight.

I guess that's what you were . . .a pit stop. Just like the others.

So I guess I'll keep running.

Man, I need some new shoes.

Babysteps

So, it's time that Ms. Annabelle Blue grew up. It's been a long time coming . . .23 years, to be exact. I graduated from college and tried NYC, then moved back home feeling defeated and confused. I had my first "big girl job" and hated every second of it. Now I'm doing a job I love at night and quitting my latest attempt at working in an office during the day. (I know I established that I had office jobs and corporate America, but this definitely, definitely reaffirms this fact. I can't even handle 20 hours a week . . .no wonder I was depressed after 40!)

So now it's time I got my act together.

Now, this isn't a particularly groundbreaking thought, I know. Some people have always had it together . . .I have not. I'm not that fortunate. I don't know if I ever TRULY thought about me at 23. I thought for sure I'd be a famous singer or something. I don't think I ever thought I'd be where and what I am now. That isn't to say I don't like who or what I am now, but it's just not what I really expected.

So the latest guy in my life is considerably older than I am and entirely independent. I am "independent-minded," but I am definitely not financially or even entirely emotionally independent. This admission is one that I'm not afraid to admit, but it's definitely one I'm not proud of. He says it's okay, but I don't know. How unattractive it must seem for me to be so un-together. How confused and changeable I am! I must be a complete mess to those on the outside, especially a romantic partner.

I really don't know how I'll be able to afford being on my own, but I really want to be. I have student loans, my car payments, health insurance and a pesky incident from an apartment in college to consider . . .but I know it can be done, mostly because it has to be.

Maybe this will change his mind about me, but that isn't the point. I'm not doing this for him or anyone else, I'm doing it for me because I know it's the right time.

I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I need to stop obsessing over it, too. I need to enjoy the moment. Of course I have big ideas and big plans, but today, right now, I have smaller ones . . .baby steps.

And that's how we grow up, isn't it? With baby steps.

My mother said it took me a longer time to start walking. She said I knew how, but I was so afraid. I could even talk before I could walk, if you could imagine. I just couldn't let go because I was so scared. But finally, I let go and I started running.

Love,
A

Ugh.

You know, I was talking to a friend last night about how fucked up my luck is with regard to love and relationships. It's so redundant that I really feel foolish for even blogging about it anymore. I've been thinking about things a lot lately (as per usual) and it's driving me insane. I'm confused. I don't know what's what anymore. I've been such a good girl lately and I don't intend on spiraling back into my period of bad decisions, but something has got to change.

I'm feeling incredibly low right now. I can't keep walking away from people feeling empty and unfinished. That's how I feel every single time I say goodbye to this guy. It's never right. And I can't make it right, so I think I'll just have to accept that it isn't. And it's hard because I believe in us sometimes, but it feels like maybe I'm the only one. I'm always so alone.

And then there's this guy who will NOT talk to me anymore. I've poured my heart out to him and tried to get closure, I've moved on (but I'll still probably always adore him) and now it's just a matter of me thinking, "Hey, we were once friends, right? Can we just at least acknowledge that?" I guess not, huh? Did I do something so horrible that he can't even speak to me anymore? I know it's not my loss really, but it hurts. It doesn't hurt that it didn't work out, it hurts that he doesn't care to even know how I'm doing. That's what hurts. Even if he was just one of my girl friends, I'd still be hurt by ANYONE not talking or showing any interest in me who was once in my life. And if it's a matter of high school shit like "he told me this about you" or what have you, that's bullshit. But whatever. I can't even think about this anymore.

And my future is so uncertain. I feel the compulsion to move out of my house, but I'm so unstable as far as employment is concerned. I hate every job except working at 9:30 Club. It's like a cult, seriously. It's addicting because it's such a fun job and the people are so cool. I need to become a bit of a hermit and just continue to write this project I'm working on, but my stupid boring day job keeps getting in the way. I think I have to quit and be poor again. Not ideal, but I know it'll be better.

I feel as though I'm losing my sense of self. I had it a few weeks ago, but it's leaving me again. I'm too busy to even remember what I have to do anymore.

Alcoholics

I am part of a love trapezoid at my night job. One girl I've befriended likes the guy I sort of like and he likes me, but his friend asked me out on a date and it's awkward. So I went out with the friend, and then I acted weird and finally tonight I told the friend that I just wanted to be his friend, nothing more.

Holy shit! Is that me becoming mature? I nipped it in the bud and we are, if you can believe it, OKAY! Better, even. WOW! He's mature, too. Why can't all guys be like this. SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN. It's not that hard. My god.

But I am still undecided about the guy I sort of like, for various reasons, but I can't even explore him because we're rarely alone and I don't want to upset anyone. He even lives with two of my co-workers, so it's not like we do it on the dl. Maybe we can figure something out . . .

I'm petrified of letting myself truly fall for him. He works at 9:30 Club and he's 30 years old. He's kind of immature. Most of the guys I work with are immature and/or alcoholics. I went drinking with a bunch of them after work tonight. Is this what they become amongst each other? Talking about how drunk they got and what they did. It gets boring.

And I found myself longing for thought-provolking conversation about art, literature or even celebrity culture. The reality of the stuntedness of some of the people I work with is rearing it's head and I'm contemplating a future. Right now, it's fun and I can handle it. But forever? I don't know. Can I really be with someone who's primary job is this? I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Standing on the corner of 9th and V street, cold, waiting for the other boys to come across the street, with the girl who likes you driving off angrily, I looked up at you and I just thought: "Here I am."

There I was.

I'm a Dating Whore

I have a late lunch/early dinner date today with a co-worker of mine at The 9:30 Club. I know he's into me and he's made it quite clear. I am not that interested in him, although he is SUCH a nice guy and I reeeeeeally enjoy spending time with him. I just love going on dates and I really like to get to know people. I almost NEVER decline an invitation to a date. I'm what you might call a "dating whore."

Usually these "dates" do not end up with a kiss. I always go into these situations thinking they are platonic, even though part of me knows that no one really dates "platonically." (I also know that this particular guy wants something more.) Some people might think I am leading these poor guys on, but to me, I could become interested in them romantically, right? But I rarely do.

I just really enjoy the actual act of dating . . .particularly if it's low-stress. I've dated a lot of guys, some of which only consisted of one date, but some lasted for several. I prefer to date around and learn as many guys as I can. I love going to different restaurants and trying new things. I'm also a "new experience whore."

If things get too serious or if the guy start expecting some physical action, then the less-than-fun part of "the talk" comes and I have to explain the "just friends" part and often that translates to, in the boy's mind, "Let's just keep it physical. No emotions!" Once I say "no" to that, his attitude becomes: "Fuck you, bitch. You're a waste of my time!"

It happens time and time again. I'd rather the guy be angry with me than hurt because when I hurt them, it makes me feel awful. Then I might give them a pity make-out session to make them happy again.

I'm really not as cold and manipulative as it may seem. It's all rather innocent. I just thoroughly enjoy hanging out with new boys. What's so wrong with that?