gossip and other less likeable traits

i hate gossip and yet somehow i'm always involved in it. i do it without thinking and sometimes without even knowing what i'm doing is qualified as "gossip." i also have a problem with opening my mouth at times when other more evolved people might keep their mouths closed. i have never been good at keeping shit to myself . . .or being the cute quiet girl.

somehow people always feel comfortable with confronting me instead of other people when it comes to stuff like that because i guess i give off the sensitive, apologetic doormat vibe or something. it makes me a nervous wreck and really sick to think i'm the very thing i hate in other people.

i'm also trying to be less self-aware and apologetic, traits which i've been accused of by more than one person in recent times. hello, this blog is riddled with my overanalyzing of every-fucking-thing. that's what i do.

along with my acute hypochondria which has also been passed down the line by the women of my family, i'm a "hot mess." and yet somehow people still like me. somehow i still have friends.

no one's perfect. everyone has their thing. i just hate feeling like i've always done something wrong. the guilt in itself makes me feel guilty for having it. my head isn't so pretty on the inside sometimes.

so i've given up gossip blogs. too much negative karma. i'm also going to work on being positive. time to focus on me again.

"GIRL, YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"

So I am like a bundle of nervous energy right now. I have no clue why. It's pretty ridiculous. I am worried about being a good person, worried about time and just about EVERYTHING. I don't know what's going on.

Why do I care so much about everyone's opinion of me? Why is being a "good person" so important to me?

-I'm thinking should I sacrifice the plans I already have in order to work at the Club because they need people? One girl I work with said it's "obnoxious" not to work it. Well, this is a busy weekend for me, so technically I can't. What do I do?

-Yesterday at the gym, one of the instructors was looking at my arms jiggle during some punches I was doing. I SWEAR SHE DOES BECAUSE SHE MADE A COMMENT ABOUT GETTING TIGHTER ARMS BEFORE! It pisses me off. But I caught myself looking at someone else's unfortunate body mishap later in the day and I think they noticed and now I feel SO ROTTEN about it. Ugh. :(

-So this woman I work with is the talk of everyone. They are all saying shit about her not doing her job well and blahblahblah. It pissed me off until I witnessed firsthand how she did things differently. The smart thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut, but I made an offhand comment to one of my other co-workers about how the lady didn't seem to even CARE that she did little things differently, and now she's telling our manager. WHAT THE FUCK?! So now I'm a tattletale. I don't even know why I said anything . . .I wish it could be some altrustic "for-the-greater-good" shit, but I think it's personal because I'm new and still doing things wrong, so I wanted to feel better about everything or something. And to tell you the truth, I despise gossipy-behind-the-back talk and guess what? I'm sooooooo guilty of it. I do it ALL the time. I'm just, like, so disgusted with my OWN actions.

I know, it's pretty stupid that I'm being so self-conscious. I just don't know what the hell my problem is lately. I need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! I need YOGA and quiet meditation or else I might lose my head.

Peace and Love

Hi guys,

Boy, do I need a change of scenery, of life, and of everything. I hate always leaving places and never being able to stay still for too long, but I just need to get away. When things aren't working out, I've got to change something. I've tried and tried to make it work, but it just isn't. I am not entirely happy right now. When will this ever present discontent ever end with me? SERIOUSLY!

I have decided to stop watching TV for awhile. I am also giving up celebrity gossip blogs for one week. It can be done! It will be ROUGH, but I think I can do it. So starting right now, no more until next Sunday. (Britney Spears is in the hospital now, so hopefully nothing exciting happens with her. Not that anything she does is ever exciting anymore anyway, but you know what I mean.)

And I am also going to stop gossiping about people in real life. I know that us girls naturally do so, but it's so empty and pointless. I used to do that shit, but I've grown out of it . . .I thought. But sometimes I get thrown back into the mix. It has to stop and it's stopping now.

I need to sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in awhile. I've been waking up feeling groggy and out of it. Not a good look. I also emotionally feel drained when I don't sleep. And I feel ugly. And I end up eating a lot, so then I feel fat.

Did I mention I'm severely sexually frustrated? AND THE ONE GUY . . . yeah, he isn't feeling it. How depressing. Story of my life.

So now I'm off to shower and finish "The Other Boleyn Girl" finally. Then hopefully I will nap. I worked out for two hours today and I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow I have another job interview and I find out about the children's gym instructor position on Tuesday. And I have to plot my interview for the staffing agency in NYC, too.

Things are finally picking up for me and I'm even more confused about it all now.

♥,
A

Gossip Girl

Hi guys,

I thought I'd drop y'all a line since it's been a few days. Seriously, having two jobs and balancing living, eating and breathing is incredibly hard. I've been out of touch with friends, eating and spending money on food I shouldn't be eating, and working out regularly has been pretty impossible. It's such a drastic change from, like, two weeks ago when I only had 9:30 Club and planned my day around The Tyra Banks Show and Oprah.

9:30 Club is going pretty well. I hate coming home and feeling anxious though, which happens sometimes. I'm still so concerned with what a lot of people I work with think. I feel like I'm still new and people are still feeling me out.

Gossip is something I've had trouble with in the past and now I'm trying to get stop all of that for good. I have been doing pretty well until tonight when I mentioned how one of my coworkers never does any work, but always tries to tell other people what to do. It's true, but I should've kept my mouth shut. I also told two of my coworkers about my crush on another coworker. I probably shouldn't have done so, but I guess it couldn't hurt if he found out I'm interested. (This is not the post to talk about that subject!)

Gossip is so pervasive and yet such a sign of insecurity. Are we girls so insecure that we need to gossip about everyone? I try not to and you know what, I totally gossiped about my other coworker for all the wrong reasons. Do I really care that this person doesn't work? Not really. I guess I was just trying to "bond" with the coworker I gossiped to. How pathetic.

I am trying to be impeccable with my word. I shouldn't talk shit and I shouldn't embellish the truth or flat out lie. These are things that are important to me, and I must do adhere to these rules.

On another note, my brother is writing a book and just sent me a draft of a few chapters. I have yet to read them (I'm too busy), but I look forward to taking a look . . .I just hope he doesn't "go there" because I'm an emotional wreck about my childhood sometimes.

Okay, that's it for now. Goodnight, everyone!