Hi everyone,
I got a flat tire at 6:00am this morning after driving some co-workers home. I was over-tired and ran over a curb downtown. Good thing I had a co-worker in the car with me to change my tire. I felt like I was inconveniencing him with the flat tire even thought it happened while I was taking him home. And the other night I went 20 minutes THE OPPOSITE WAY from my house to take another co-worker home. And a couple of months ago I got two speeding tickets from a camera on the way home from driving another co-worker.
Is this what I get for going out of my way? Or is it simply me not being a good driver . . . especially from 4-6am. I am still not entirely used to being alert at 3am. I have dozed off more times than I care to admit driving home from the club. It's dangerous for me to drive when I'm so exhausted.
So just when I think I'm "okay" with money (and by okay, I still mean broke), this shit happens. :( I try to look for the positive in situations, but it's hard sometimes. At least it's just the tire that is ruined, I guess.
I applied for a bunch of jobs last week and haven't heard back from one. I sent my resume out to some jobs with 9:30 Club listed on it and on some I omitted it. I'm wondering if sending my resume without 9:30 Club listed makes it seem like I've been fired or something? I don't know. It's very frustrating. I am confused about what my next move should be. I want to get another part-time or even full-time job here, preferably a temp one for a non-profit to save money for NY and build up my resume. But at the same time, I'm applying for jobs in NYC. Do I settle with any old job here since I really need to make more money (and benefits would be nice) or do I continue to be picky? It's just so hard and confusing.
Today I was reading the local newspaper and saw my friend Meghan's byline. I'm really happy for her because being a reporter is something she's always wanted to do. It makes me kind of sad because I realize that I am not really where I want to be or even thought I'd be right now. That's why I'm pushing for NYC again because when I was there, it WAS where I wanted to be. It is so hard, but I'm happier trying than just settling.
I also feel sort of out of place at 9:30 Club. No one has been mean to me or anything, but I just feel different from everyone else. I don't smoke weed, I don't drink a lot, I'm not entirely a night person, I don't party hard, I'm a good girl, I'm a bit sheltered . . the list goes on. Everyone is super nice to me, but I feel a little paranoid, especially considering the whole fauxmance thing with that guy that everyone knows about.
I know if I just ignore it, it'll blow over, but I still feel awkward because I told some people about out little "thing" and I think they probably talk to him about it. I feel like it's a running joke. It is to me because in typical Adrienne fashion, the one guy I am interested in at the club is the one who just isn't interested in me. It's bizarre for me to meet a guy who is so physically attracted to me (he admits it) and single, but doesn't want to act on it anymore. It's also probably healthy and wise that he doesn't, but what sucks is that I still just want to make out with the kid. I'm still attracted to him and it's hard for me to ignore it, but I"m trying my best. Furthermore, it's hard for me to see other couples that I work with because it reminds me that I'm alone. My expectations I had with this guy and our flirtation, which gave me something to look forward to, is meaningless now. It's an empty feeling.
Wow, I've written a lot in this entry. I have a lot going on inside my head. I'm feeling incredibly shitty right now. I know it'll pass, but it doesn't change how I feel right now. Please send some positive energy my way. I need it.
Peace + Love,
A
Monday, January 21, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
WTF?!?!
This is my new favorite blog. I found her blog while doing research on "black women who act white" for my new book. This woman is black and married to a white man with two-biracial children and well . . . just read.
That black girl: Just callin' it as I see it.
I don't hate her. I kind of admire her honesty and guts. I don't agree with everything she expresses, but I can relate to her in a lot of ways.
Have a good weekend. :)
*OFF-TOPIC: I find myself hating all men. I know it's not good to hate ANYONE or ANYTHING, but I have had very few (if any) completely positive experiences with men recently, yet alone throughout my whole life. I don't like being this way, but I really only think they are "good" for two things: opening jars and making out. That's it. I need help.*
That black girl: Just callin' it as I see it.
I don't hate her. I kind of admire her honesty and guts. I don't agree with everything she expresses, but I can relate to her in a lot of ways.
Have a good weekend. :)
*OFF-TOPIC: I find myself hating all men. I know it's not good to hate ANYONE or ANYTHING, but I have had very few (if any) completely positive experiences with men recently, yet alone throughout my whole life. I don't like being this way, but I really only think they are "good" for two things: opening jars and making out. That's it. I need help.*
Thursday, January 17, 2008
FYI
Sometimes a girl just needs to make mistakes . . .but if the mistakes take control of you, that's when you know it's time to stop. It's time to take control back. It's time for a re-evaluation.
My latest love interest is completely emotionally unavailable and apparently, isn't that into me. Whatever. I've learned I cannot waste my time with someone who isn't into me. There's no point. I hope he has a nice, functional life. So now I'm playing it cool. I've forgotten about the kisses, the embraces, the whatever the hell else happened. It means nothing. It meant nothing to him then and it means nothing to me now.
It's just that easy. (Side note: He still flirts with me and shit. I have to tell him to stop. Somehow it seems like he's more attracted to me now that I've "gotten over" him. WTF!?)
I guess I was never that into him either. From day one, I said he's like a brick wall. He's so fucking emotionally unavailable that it's sad. I've known it since our first real conversation, but somehow I thought I could change him. Even other people thought I'd be the one to change him.
HAHA! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
So, when have you ever heard of an unavailable, dangerously independent, and scared man changing because of a girl? It doesn't happen. My mom stayed married to a man for 20 years in hopes that she'd change him and guess what? SHE DIDN'T! And guess what else? He's my dad!
A person has to change because they want to and it has to be on their own terms. Sure, maybe the latest guy I was into just needs "the right girl," but any self-respecting girl will not stick around and be pushed away.
And if said girl is lucky, the guy will just run away anyway.
I have dealt with SO MANY guys and in so many different situations. I'm no longer jaded. My guard is up. I feel like a wise woman. I know when it's time to let go, but sometimes I still make mistakes. Sometimes I (stupidly) put myself in situations that are way beneath me.
But I learn and grow from them. I get hurt and then I get better. That's how life goes. There's no big mystery to it.
And for the record, can I just say I'm WAY OVER unavailable men. There is nothing ~*~*~*mysterious*~*~ or ~*~*~*alluring*~*~*~ about them. So over it.
So, ladies, here are deal breakers:
1.) He has a girlfriend. (DON'T EVEN LOOK TWICE!)
2.) He is always on his computer. (ESPECIALLY IF HE'S ALWAYS ON MYSPACE! MAJOR RED FLAG!)
3.) He smokes weed all the time. (Unless you smoke all the time too, I don't see this working.)
4.) He doesn't call you. (DUH!)
5.) He stands you up. (PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S ON MYSPACE.)
6.) He makes you feel stupid.
7.) He only pays attention to you when he's drunk.
8.) He tries to wine and dine you. (WHAT IS HE HIDING?)
9.) He doesn't have ambition. (NO LIFE PLAN. NO CAREER GOALS. NO THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FUTURE. WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT IN HIS FUTURE EITHER . . .HOPEFULLY.)
10.) He is 38 years old and you're 23. And he's your boss. And he has a girlfriend. And he makes you feel uncomfortable. And he asks you if you sleep naked or with pajamas. And he keeps harassing you about your lack of a boyfriend. (HE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU. HE WANTS TO RELIVE HIS YOUTH. WHY CAN'T HE FIND A WOMAN HIS OWN AGE? HE IS GROSS!)
That's all for now.
My latest love interest is completely emotionally unavailable and apparently, isn't that into me. Whatever. I've learned I cannot waste my time with someone who isn't into me. There's no point. I hope he has a nice, functional life. So now I'm playing it cool. I've forgotten about the kisses, the embraces, the whatever the hell else happened. It means nothing. It meant nothing to him then and it means nothing to me now.
It's just that easy. (Side note: He still flirts with me and shit. I have to tell him to stop. Somehow it seems like he's more attracted to me now that I've "gotten over" him. WTF!?)
I guess I was never that into him either. From day one, I said he's like a brick wall. He's so fucking emotionally unavailable that it's sad. I've known it since our first real conversation, but somehow I thought I could change him. Even other people thought I'd be the one to change him.
HAHA! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
So, when have you ever heard of an unavailable, dangerously independent, and scared man changing because of a girl? It doesn't happen. My mom stayed married to a man for 20 years in hopes that she'd change him and guess what? SHE DIDN'T! And guess what else? He's my dad!
A person has to change because they want to and it has to be on their own terms. Sure, maybe the latest guy I was into just needs "the right girl," but any self-respecting girl will not stick around and be pushed away.
And if said girl is lucky, the guy will just run away anyway.
I have dealt with SO MANY guys and in so many different situations. I'm no longer jaded. My guard is up. I feel like a wise woman. I know when it's time to let go, but sometimes I still make mistakes. Sometimes I (stupidly) put myself in situations that are way beneath me.
But I learn and grow from them. I get hurt and then I get better. That's how life goes. There's no big mystery to it.
And for the record, can I just say I'm WAY OVER unavailable men. There is nothing ~*~*~*mysterious*~*~ or ~*~*~*alluring*~*~*~ about them. So over it.
So, ladies, here are deal breakers:
1.) He has a girlfriend. (DON'T EVEN LOOK TWICE!)
2.) He is always on his computer. (ESPECIALLY IF HE'S ALWAYS ON MYSPACE! MAJOR RED FLAG!)
3.) He smokes weed all the time. (Unless you smoke all the time too, I don't see this working.)
4.) He doesn't call you. (DUH!)
5.) He stands you up. (PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S ON MYSPACE.)
6.) He makes you feel stupid.
7.) He only pays attention to you when he's drunk.
8.) He tries to wine and dine you. (WHAT IS HE HIDING?)
9.) He doesn't have ambition. (NO LIFE PLAN. NO CAREER GOALS. NO THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FUTURE. WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT IN HIS FUTURE EITHER . . .HOPEFULLY.)
10.) He is 38 years old and you're 23. And he's your boss. And he has a girlfriend. And he makes you feel uncomfortable. And he asks you if you sleep naked or with pajamas. And he keeps harassing you about your lack of a boyfriend. (HE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU. HE WANTS TO RELIVE HIS YOUTH. WHY CAN'T HE FIND A WOMAN HIS OWN AGE? HE IS GROSS!)
That's all for now.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
"Never Touch A Black Girl's Hair"
This is a new theme on my blog. Remember that book I was talking about? Well, I've decided to start being more public about it. I'm going to feature segments, my real thoughts and other observations on my blog. Just sort of like a diary of what I think so I can put this all into book form and get the ball rolling.
This is all unedited, obviously. Forgive me for my poor grammar and syntax. If it bothers you, stop reading.
If the content offends you, please let me know why. Leave a comment.
Thanks!
This is all unedited, obviously. Forgive me for my poor grammar and syntax. If it bothers you, stop reading.
If the content offends you, please let me know why. Leave a comment.
Thanks!
CELEBRITIES
Things I don't get in Celebrity Blogland:
-What is the big appeal of Zac Efron? He's not very attractive and he seems very gay. I don't even think I would have liked him when I was younger.
-Who are the Jonas Brothers?
-Why do 25-year-old men like Miley Cyrus?
-Pete Doherty. Why do we care? Who is he? I always skip posts about him, but does anyone read them?
-The Gummi Bear???? Who is that?
-"Girls Aloud" . . .some British girl band? What is the point?
-"The Spice Girls" . . .see above. Except I know that the point is they're going on some reunion tour. I liked them in middle school, but do they even merit a reunion tour? I feel like they were popular for, like, 3 months. It's been TEN YEARS. Do we care anymore?
-Why do we keep getting daily paparazzi shots of Britney Spears? If the public ignores them and stops paying for the paparazzi's pictures, maybe they'll stop taking them. Maybe Britney can then stop trying to appear in the magazines. And her new boyfriend is so slimy and shady. I don't feel bad for her anymore . . . the whole situation disgusts me.
- Why is Perez Hilton still so popular? Plenty of other blogs are updated more frequently. A lot of other blogs are more reliable. A lot of other blogs get more exclusives. He is biased, vulgar and boring.
* * * *
That's all for now. Have a good day, y'all. I'm going to write a little and maybe work out before work. I'm feeling a little weird and out of it. Probably because I'm PMSing. I feel a little down. Bleh. It'll be over soon.
-What is the big appeal of Zac Efron? He's not very attractive and he seems very gay. I don't even think I would have liked him when I was younger.
-Who are the Jonas Brothers?
-Why do 25-year-old men like Miley Cyrus?
-Pete Doherty. Why do we care? Who is he? I always skip posts about him, but does anyone read them?
-The Gummi Bear???? Who is that?
-"Girls Aloud" . . .some British girl band? What is the point?
-"The Spice Girls" . . .see above. Except I know that the point is they're going on some reunion tour. I liked them in middle school, but do they even merit a reunion tour? I feel like they were popular for, like, 3 months. It's been TEN YEARS. Do we care anymore?
-Why do we keep getting daily paparazzi shots of Britney Spears? If the public ignores them and stops paying for the paparazzi's pictures, maybe they'll stop taking them. Maybe Britney can then stop trying to appear in the magazines. And her new boyfriend is so slimy and shady. I don't feel bad for her anymore . . . the whole situation disgusts me.
- Why is Perez Hilton still so popular? Plenty of other blogs are updated more frequently. A lot of other blogs are more reliable. A lot of other blogs get more exclusives. He is biased, vulgar and boring.
* * * *
That's all for now. Have a good day, y'all. I'm going to write a little and maybe work out before work. I'm feeling a little weird and out of it. Probably because I'm PMSing. I feel a little down. Bleh. It'll be over soon.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
FYI
I'm open to something great. I'm ready to be lead. I need to get it together. I'm listening . . .
Also, I'm kicking myself for not saving more money at my last (and only) full-time job!
Also, I'm kicking myself that I didn't try harder a year and a half ago when I first went to NYC.
Also, I'm kicking myself for not saving more money at my last (and only) full-time job!
Also, I'm kicking myself that I didn't try harder a year and a half ago when I first went to NYC.
Monday, January 14, 2008
A Novel Idea
I just finished reading "The Mistresses' Daughter" by A.M. Holmes. I finished reading it in a few hours . . .I just couldn't put it down. The first half captured me, the second half lost me, but the end was beautiful.
The author was the result of an affair between her birth mother, who was 22, single, and not in any position to raise a child, and her birth father, was was an older, married, emotionally unavailable man. Both of her birth parents are deeply flawed. Sadly, she is never to truly connect with either parent truly. Her mother dies prematurely from a cause that is somewhat unclear (kidney failure) and her father basically disowns her to keep the peace in his "other" family. Utterly depressing.
Anyway, what does this have to do with me and my writing?
I've just been exhausting myself with my inability to, you know, write something. I try to write everyday and right now I'm averaging only 3 days a week. PATHETIC! I have no idea when or IF I will even be published anytime soon, and that's a BIG risk to take when you are 23 and need to get a fucking clue as to what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm still looking for jobs in NYC, but the task is daunting and disheartening. I don't want to give up and I'm not, but after nearly two years of trying off and on, I think maybe I have given up. Why didn't I just save money when I was making it to move there on my own? Why am I so afraid, slow to act, helpless . . .I just don't get it.
Ugh, I'm off to potentially write. Or maybe I will look up information on my own paternal grandparents I never knew.
The author was the result of an affair between her birth mother, who was 22, single, and not in any position to raise a child, and her birth father, was was an older, married, emotionally unavailable man. Both of her birth parents are deeply flawed. Sadly, she is never to truly connect with either parent truly. Her mother dies prematurely from a cause that is somewhat unclear (kidney failure) and her father basically disowns her to keep the peace in his "other" family. Utterly depressing.
Anyway, what does this have to do with me and my writing?
I've just been exhausting myself with my inability to, you know, write something. I try to write everyday and right now I'm averaging only 3 days a week. PATHETIC! I have no idea when or IF I will even be published anytime soon, and that's a BIG risk to take when you are 23 and need to get a fucking clue as to what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm still looking for jobs in NYC, but the task is daunting and disheartening. I don't want to give up and I'm not, but after nearly two years of trying off and on, I think maybe I have given up. Why didn't I just save money when I was making it to move there on my own? Why am I so afraid, slow to act, helpless . . .I just don't get it.
Ugh, I'm off to potentially write. Or maybe I will look up information on my own paternal grandparents I never knew.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Peace and Love
Hi there,
So, I didn't get to perform in front of my co-workers! We ran out of time! Bummer, huh?
Today I'm taking it easy. I've purposely decided that I'm not working out today. My poor knee is feeling a bit injured. I am going to meet up for dinner with a friend. Relax at home for a bit. Maybe play The Sims 2. (YAY!)
One of my supervisors at The 9:30 Club is constantly probing about my being single. It annoys me to no end. I don't want to talk about it. People think there is something wrong with me being I'm single. Why are they so concerned?
It's like they think a pretty girl just can't possibly be single. NO WAY! And if she is single, she can't possibly be HAPPY! Every girl has to have a boyfriend! If you don't, what is WRONG with you?
Listen, I would love to be in love. I would love to meet someone who blows me away. The fact of the matter is, I just haven't lately. So please kindly fuck off.
Just when I'm getting okay with the idea of not having anyone and not looking for anyone, someone has to make me feel kind of shitty about it. I need to toughen up. I'm trying. Really, I am.
I am tired of aiming for the wrong ones. I am holding out. I am, for perhaps the first time in my life, NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT. Don't make me be worried about it.
I've tried the romance. I've felt the fire. I've fallen. I've gotten back up. I'm jaded. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've been a bit promiscuous. I've been the other woman. I've been the virgin. I'VE BEEN IT ALL!
So now let me try to be me.
Love,
A
So, I didn't get to perform in front of my co-workers! We ran out of time! Bummer, huh?
Today I'm taking it easy. I've purposely decided that I'm not working out today. My poor knee is feeling a bit injured. I am going to meet up for dinner with a friend. Relax at home for a bit. Maybe play The Sims 2. (YAY!)
One of my supervisors at The 9:30 Club is constantly probing about my being single. It annoys me to no end. I don't want to talk about it. People think there is something wrong with me being I'm single. Why are they so concerned?
It's like they think a pretty girl just can't possibly be single. NO WAY! And if she is single, she can't possibly be HAPPY! Every girl has to have a boyfriend! If you don't, what is WRONG with you?
Listen, I would love to be in love. I would love to meet someone who blows me away. The fact of the matter is, I just haven't lately. So please kindly fuck off.
Just when I'm getting okay with the idea of not having anyone and not looking for anyone, someone has to make me feel kind of shitty about it. I need to toughen up. I'm trying. Really, I am.
I am tired of aiming for the wrong ones. I am holding out. I am, for perhaps the first time in my life, NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT. Don't make me be worried about it.
I've tried the romance. I've felt the fire. I've fallen. I've gotten back up. I'm jaded. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've been a bit promiscuous. I've been the other woman. I've been the virgin. I'VE BEEN IT ALL!
So now let me try to be me.
Love,
A
Friday, January 11, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
WTF?!?!
SOMEONE IS WATCHING YOU!
Or rather, me, I guess.
SOMEONE IS STALKING WHAT I'M DOING ONLINE! I swear. It's not just on Facebook. (MARK ZUCKERBERG, THE CREATOR OF FACEBOOK, WAS ACCESSING INFORMATION FROM "OUTSIDE" WEBSITES BY DEFAULT WITHOUT ASKING FOR OUR PERMISSION. HE PUBLICLY APOLOGIZED AND MADE IT AN "OPT-IN" FEATURE INSTEAD. . . . DID YOU KNOW THAT?)
THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
They are trying to sell things! I will Google something once and suddenly find ads for it all over the Internet. I even get E-MAILS offering me shit.
What is up with this?
The Internet is awesome. I love it and probably couldn't survive without it. Well, I could survive, duh, but you know what I mean. But sometimes . . .it creeps me out. I believe we are becoming too reliant on it.
It's weird to think that marriages, babies, jobs, deaths, etc. have all happened BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. It's really everything in one place.
But is it really living? Is it GOOD to be so wrapped up in technology? Are we becoming and creating ADD, technophile, MONSTERS?
The government (and whoever else wants to) can trace our every move on the 'Net. YOU ARE BEING MONITORED RIGHT NOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE IT!
Part of me says: "FUCK IT! THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO! I WILL CONTINUE LOOKING UP CELEBRITIES AND HOW TO CURE ACNE!"
But it DOES bother me. My life is being monitored. This is real-life Truman Show shit. This is 1984 in 2008. Weird.
I was looking up jobs in NYC the other day and checking out the New York Times. I do have a Washington Post account, but I rarely use it now that I've decided my next move is definitely going to be NYC. (YAY!) So anyway, I'm looking up jobs and stuff, and then LOW AND BEHOLD, I get a fucking e-mail from The Washington Post saying: "Update your resume! We noticed it's been almost three months since you've updated."
IS THIS JUST A COINCIDENCE?
I don't think so!
It's downright SCARY.
So, my dear friends and readers, please, please, be AWARE.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
FAVES
Today I have to sing and perform in front of my co-workers at 9:30 Club. I'm super nervous, mostly because singing in front of people you work with is a little ridiculous. I used to perform all the time in high school, so I am not all that nervous about the actual singing . . .I'm more nervous about having to look at them while I'm doing it!!!
Also, I have been applying to jobs in NYC and I'm quietly reassured that I'm ready now. Scared, but ready. :) This is a big decision. I've been in a kind of daze for the past few days contemplating this.
TOP 10 FAVE SONGS THAT I'VE HEARD IN MY LIFE THIS FAR:
10. "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco
9. "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
8. "Pale September" by Fiona Apple
7. "I Wanna Be Your Lover" by Prince
6. "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt
5. "Redemption Song" by Bob Maryley
4. "Subterranean Homesick Alien" by Radiohead
3. "Nowhere Fast" by Incubus
2. "My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder
1. "Waiting in Vain" by Bob Marley
This list will probably change, but this is as of today.
Also, I have been applying to jobs in NYC and I'm quietly reassured that I'm ready now. Scared, but ready. :) This is a big decision. I've been in a kind of daze for the past few days contemplating this.
TOP 10 FAVE SONGS THAT I'VE HEARD IN MY LIFE THIS FAR:
10. "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco
9. "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
8. "Pale September" by Fiona Apple
7. "I Wanna Be Your Lover" by Prince
6. "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt
5. "Redemption Song" by Bob Maryley
4. "Subterranean Homesick Alien" by Radiohead
3. "Nowhere Fast" by Incubus
2. "My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder
1. "Waiting in Vain" by Bob Marley
This list will probably change, but this is as of today.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A NOVEL IDEA
there's something a little illegal
about taking a bubble bath
in the afternoon
on a monday
and yet that's where i find myself
contemplating life, love,
and the new incense
i just lit
i wish you could see some of the faces
when i tell people my plan
an endearing nod
or a muffled chuckle
it seems slightly unrealistic
indulgent
and fantastical
my wanting to write a book
and become a published author
but gee, isn't 70 degree weather
in DC on january seventh
and a bubble bath at 3 in the afternoon
on a monday
unrealistic,
indulgent,
fantastical?
and yet . . .
about taking a bubble bath
in the afternoon
on a monday
and yet that's where i find myself
contemplating life, love,
and the new incense
i just lit
i wish you could see some of the faces
when i tell people my plan
an endearing nod
or a muffled chuckle
it seems slightly unrealistic
indulgent
and fantastical
my wanting to write a book
and become a published author
but gee, isn't 70 degree weather
in DC on january seventh
and a bubble bath at 3 in the afternoon
on a monday
unrealistic,
indulgent,
fantastical?
and yet . . .
Saturday, January 5, 2008
PEACE AND LOVE
I had an epiphany today. I am so not relationship material.
I keep wondering why boys that I like never want to be in a relationship with me and how I can never find the right guy and I've come upon the conclusion that I'm so not ready for it.
I know, I know, I'm 23. I'm not getting any younger. I just don't have my fucking shit together. I am a complete mess in every way imaginable. Seriously. I am not ready to take on someone else's bullshit along with my own.
What's the point of crying about boys not wanting to be with me? Most of the boys I want to be with aren't boys that are relationship material anyway. The latest one I wasn't even that into, but I forced myself into it because I was way attracted to him, but did I want to BE with him? I don't know. I can't compete with his computer, his car and weed. That's what took up his time.
As I've said to my friends, give me 5 guys who are all the same in every way except one has a girlfriend, one is a pothead and the other three are single and ready to mingle. I will go for the one with the girlfriend, hands down. Next I'll try the one who's a pothead. Then I might date the single ones, but eventually end it.
WHY?
Because I'm not ready to commit. I'm comfortable with being turned down and being single. I'm okay thinking I'm ugly and undesirable, which is sad. I know I'm neither, but I also know I'm having too much damn fun being single and a mess. I want to date around. I want to have fun. I want to experience life. I want nothing to hold me back, especially no fucking whiny ass guy who has mood swings and makes me feel like shit for no apparent reason. Who wants that?
Don't feel bad for me. This is a very important and uplifting realization. It's empowering.
I am not where I want to be emotionally, career wise, financially, physically, life wise . . .Basically in every way. I am not ready for the commitment.
Who says you have to have a boyfriend? I want one, who doesn't want a soul mate, but I kind of like being single.
I would like to experience true love and happiness and all that jazz, but why force it? I'm going to work with what I have.
So my concentration is my career in 2008 and to continue my personal growth. I have gotten a little thrown off with that whole thing for the past couple of months, but I'm back.
I am looking for freelance writing jobs and finally buckling down with it. By the end of 2008 I hope to be living on my own and have a more straightforward career plan.
Have a good weekend, y'all!
(Side note: I cut my hair short and I love it.)
I keep wondering why boys that I like never want to be in a relationship with me and how I can never find the right guy and I've come upon the conclusion that I'm so not ready for it.
I know, I know, I'm 23. I'm not getting any younger. I just don't have my fucking shit together. I am a complete mess in every way imaginable. Seriously. I am not ready to take on someone else's bullshit along with my own.
What's the point of crying about boys not wanting to be with me? Most of the boys I want to be with aren't boys that are relationship material anyway. The latest one I wasn't even that into, but I forced myself into it because I was way attracted to him, but did I want to BE with him? I don't know. I can't compete with his computer, his car and weed. That's what took up his time.
As I've said to my friends, give me 5 guys who are all the same in every way except one has a girlfriend, one is a pothead and the other three are single and ready to mingle. I will go for the one with the girlfriend, hands down. Next I'll try the one who's a pothead. Then I might date the single ones, but eventually end it.
WHY?
Because I'm not ready to commit. I'm comfortable with being turned down and being single. I'm okay thinking I'm ugly and undesirable, which is sad. I know I'm neither, but I also know I'm having too much damn fun being single and a mess. I want to date around. I want to have fun. I want to experience life. I want nothing to hold me back, especially no fucking whiny ass guy who has mood swings and makes me feel like shit for no apparent reason. Who wants that?
Don't feel bad for me. This is a very important and uplifting realization. It's empowering.
I am not where I want to be emotionally, career wise, financially, physically, life wise . . .Basically in every way. I am not ready for the commitment.
Who says you have to have a boyfriend? I want one, who doesn't want a soul mate, but I kind of like being single.
I would like to experience true love and happiness and all that jazz, but why force it? I'm going to work with what I have.
So my concentration is my career in 2008 and to continue my personal growth. I have gotten a little thrown off with that whole thing for the past couple of months, but I'm back.
I am looking for freelance writing jobs and finally buckling down with it. By the end of 2008 I hope to be living on my own and have a more straightforward career plan.
Have a good weekend, y'all!
(Side note: I cut my hair short and I love it.)
Friday, January 4, 2008
CELEBRITIES
Oh, you know I had to write about it . . .
THE SPEARS GIRLS HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS.
So, I never posted about Jaime Lynn and her pregnancy a few weeks ago, but OF COURSE I have an opinion.
Why wasn't she on the Pill or at least using condoms????
Hello, she is 16! Nevermind the fact that I think it's ridiculous that she was allowed to sleep over and go on vacations with her older boyfriend. Mama Spears is a little nuts for allowing this. Jamie Lynn is at fault, yes, but she's a baby. I don't think she's "ruining her life" necessarily by having a baby at 16. She doesn't know how to be a mother and she may not be ready, but she'll figure it out. It'll be hard, but she'll be okay.
BUT WHY OH WHY DID MAMA SPEARS PUT HER SHIT OUT THERE IN OK! MAGAZINE! WHAT? She could have EASILY hidden this whole mess for months. We haven't seen Jamie Lynn because she's, presumably, been holed up in Kentwood. How would we have seen her or known about the pregnancy??? They should have kept it under wraps.
AND THEN WE HAVE BRITNEY'S HOSTAGE SITUATION LAST NIGHT . . .
My heart goes out to this girl. She is obviously in so much hurt and turmoil that she doesn't want to LIVE anymore. Can you imagine how this feels? I can. I have had numerous breakdowns (Um, HELLO! I did blackout while talking to a boy who was rejecting me a few days ago!) and I can only imagine how magnified it is with the WHOLE WORLD watching you! At least I have my family and friends to support me. It seems as though Britney has pushed everyone away. The only people around her are the ones she pays. I feel for the girl.
Life is hard. Britney's life is not normal by any means. I can only imagine how it must feel to be here. As you know from my previous posts about Britney, it's really weird that she was THE POP PRINCESS when I was in high school and defining who I was as a woman and person. She was everything us girls wanted to be and now . . .
I end this post with her video "Lucky". Self-fulfilling prophecy? I think so . . .
Watch and listen with awareness. I pray to God BritBrit doesn't commit suicide.
THE SPEARS GIRLS HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS.
So, I never posted about Jaime Lynn and her pregnancy a few weeks ago, but OF COURSE I have an opinion.
Why wasn't she on the Pill or at least using condoms????
Hello, she is 16! Nevermind the fact that I think it's ridiculous that she was allowed to sleep over and go on vacations with her older boyfriend. Mama Spears is a little nuts for allowing this. Jamie Lynn is at fault, yes, but she's a baby. I don't think she's "ruining her life" necessarily by having a baby at 16. She doesn't know how to be a mother and she may not be ready, but she'll figure it out. It'll be hard, but she'll be okay.
BUT WHY OH WHY DID MAMA SPEARS PUT HER SHIT OUT THERE IN OK! MAGAZINE! WHAT? She could have EASILY hidden this whole mess for months. We haven't seen Jamie Lynn because she's, presumably, been holed up in Kentwood. How would we have seen her or known about the pregnancy??? They should have kept it under wraps.
AND THEN WE HAVE BRITNEY'S HOSTAGE SITUATION LAST NIGHT . . .
My heart goes out to this girl. She is obviously in so much hurt and turmoil that she doesn't want to LIVE anymore. Can you imagine how this feels? I can. I have had numerous breakdowns (Um, HELLO! I did blackout while talking to a boy who was rejecting me a few days ago!) and I can only imagine how magnified it is with the WHOLE WORLD watching you! At least I have my family and friends to support me. It seems as though Britney has pushed everyone away. The only people around her are the ones she pays. I feel for the girl.
Life is hard. Britney's life is not normal by any means. I can only imagine how it must feel to be here. As you know from my previous posts about Britney, it's really weird that she was THE POP PRINCESS when I was in high school and defining who I was as a woman and person. She was everything us girls wanted to be and now . . .
I end this post with her video "Lucky". Self-fulfilling prophecy? I think so . . .
Watch and listen with awareness. I pray to God BritBrit doesn't commit suicide.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Single Girl
So, after much consideration, I have decided that I don't need a boyfriend.
I love my girlfriends so much. They love me unconditionally and are always there for me. They make me happy. Why do I need a man?
Men are unpredictable. Men will come and go. Unless they are sure about me, I don't want it. Unless they are continuously adding to my life, I don't want it.
My friendships are more important to me and most of them have lasted a whole lot longer than any relationship I've ever had with a boy.
I am not looking for a man to fulfill me at this point of my life and I don't think I will ever depend on one fully. I don't think it's a smart idea for a girl to only receive happiness from a partner or ever think, even in marriage, that it'll last forever. It's always smart to have an alternate plan.
It's okay to be in love and not able to imagine life without said lover, but shit happens. You just need to be smart about it.
As for my love life, I am going to love my friends, family, and whatever the hell else makes me happy. I'm going to focus on me and my future. The past is forgotten.
I'm single and that's okay right now.
Here comes a better version of me . . .
I love my girlfriends so much. They love me unconditionally and are always there for me. They make me happy. Why do I need a man?
Men are unpredictable. Men will come and go. Unless they are sure about me, I don't want it. Unless they are continuously adding to my life, I don't want it.
My friendships are more important to me and most of them have lasted a whole lot longer than any relationship I've ever had with a boy.
I am not looking for a man to fulfill me at this point of my life and I don't think I will ever depend on one fully. I don't think it's a smart idea for a girl to only receive happiness from a partner or ever think, even in marriage, that it'll last forever. It's always smart to have an alternate plan.
It's okay to be in love and not able to imagine life without said lover, but shit happens. You just need to be smart about it.
As for my love life, I am going to love my friends, family, and whatever the hell else makes me happy. I'm going to focus on me and my future. The past is forgotten.
I'm single and that's okay right now.
Here comes a better version of me . . .
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
FAVES
Well, what a difference a day makes!
I am super good right now after sleep and rest. My poor body. :( I am so over that guy and now that I'm thinking coherently, I realize that I was just into the idea of him. I liked having someone I was attracted to at work, but now that he's out of the picture, WHAT A RELIEF. I wasn't really feeling him as relationship potential, but I definitely wanted to hook up with him all the time. He's missing out. And as for moving to NYC right this second, I will eventually move there in a few months, but there's no rush. I'll get there soon.
Hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve! I did!
Now, on to our regularly schedule program:
FAVE MARATHON ON TV: "America's Next Top Model" is, BY FAR, the best show to watch a marathon of on television right now. I rarely watch it during it's regular run on it's regular night . . .I'd rather just see a few episodes from the marathon on VH1 or MTV. SO GOOD. That's what I'm doing now.
My favorite season is probably the season where they go to Japan that featured Yaya, Eva, and that blind chick. It was awesome.
I would consider being on this show if only for the makeovers. If they say they're cutting off my hair, though, I'd definitely have to fight Tyra.
I am super good right now after sleep and rest. My poor body. :( I am so over that guy and now that I'm thinking coherently, I realize that I was just into the idea of him. I liked having someone I was attracted to at work, but now that he's out of the picture, WHAT A RELIEF. I wasn't really feeling him as relationship potential, but I definitely wanted to hook up with him all the time. He's missing out. And as for moving to NYC right this second, I will eventually move there in a few months, but there's no rush. I'll get there soon.
Hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve! I did!
Now, on to our regularly schedule program:
FAVE MARATHON ON TV: "America's Next Top Model" is, BY FAR, the best show to watch a marathon of on television right now. I rarely watch it during it's regular run on it's regular night . . .I'd rather just see a few episodes from the marathon on VH1 or MTV. SO GOOD. That's what I'm doing now.
My favorite season is probably the season where they go to Japan that featured Yaya, Eva, and that blind chick. It was awesome.
I would consider being on this show if only for the makeovers. If they say they're cutting off my hair, though, I'd definitely have to fight Tyra.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Distraction
I am going to deal with this the only way I know how . . .
Life is so mysterious. It's a sort of sad day in the life of me today.
Let me start out by saying that I do not believe this is because of one boy or one incident. It would seem foolish and superficial of me to write what has happened to me off as just a reaction to being rejected. The truth of the matter is, I was fooling myself into being interested in someone for lack of anyone else to be interested in. I was attracted to him, but I think that's where it began and ended. I was foolish and this has taught me, once again, that attraction does not make a bond or, obviously, a relationship. For some people, but not me, being physical with someone is reserved for a relationship only. There is no such thing as just hooking up or dating and having fun. That is fine and I'd like to have less superficial relationships with the opposite sex, but alas, I have to take what I can get and give. So far, that has been my experience.
If you're still reading this post, I applaud you. I have gone way off the track from my original aim. This isn't about relationships or my sad song about the lack thereof. This is about my mortality.
I blacked out/passed out this morning for the first time in my life. The causes remain varied and obscure- I had worked out pretty heavily yesterday morning, I didn't eat enough during the day and I drank a couple of drinks on a fairly empty stomach pretty hasitly. I'd been feeling sick all day and out of it for the past couple of days and I guess it all caught up with me in that moment.
That moment is the one where he basically told me it was all in my head and that he wasn't interested in a relationship, or anything it turns out, at all. Wow, how can this be happening to me again under such different circumstances?
And in that moment, I didn't want his love or his arms around me. I wanted . . .I don't know. I wanted some Truth, I guess. but not his truth.
While I was talking to him, the world slowly went to black starting with the right side of my vision, and I initially thought I was just experiencing a blood rush to the head. This was different. This was like I was a computer who's monitor went into sleep mode. Then the sound slowly muted. Reality set in . . . it was like all the rejection I've experienced from an early age hijacked my vision and hearing. I was truly all alone with my thoughts and my voice.
All I kept thinking was: "God, I don't want to die. Not like this. Not with some fucking 30-year-old pothead in his room that had black light posters and who, most importantly, doesn't give a shit about me."
And the pothead told me to breathe and to calm down and I tried. I needed water. I needed to get to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone. I was embarrassed. What a great fucking time for my body to betray me.
I slowly came to while on the floor in his hallway. I looked around. I don't remember seeing him. It was freaky. I finally got to the bathroom and drank the water he got for me and looked in the mirror to see that I had a pimple on my forehead. "Great," I thought. "I'm still alive."
I don't know if I believe in God. I thought about my life during that black time. I thought about my mom and how I couldn't leave her. I thought about my dad, whom is always just out of my reach, and how he's given me the blueprint to go after these way unavailable guys. I thought vaguely about my brothers. I thought vaguely about the little girl I used to nanny for, Clare, who I feel so connected and responsible for. One day I want a little girl just like her.
Then I realized, "Holy shit, Adrienne! You are 23 and you are working at a music night club with these people who are super nice, but super content. You're here for so much more." I realized, like a broken record, I need to move to NYC. I need to do it again for myself. I need to chase after fame. These are things I've always wanted.
Love, of course, I want that, but you can't force it. You can't fake it. I for sure didn't feel any love for this latest guy. Not at all. Nor adoration. No wish to marry him. Nothing of the sort. I think I just wanted his body and attention. So why in the hell did I let him affect me so damn much?
My new plan is to move to NYC for real this time. Try acting, join a band and for real. Be a fabulous singer and that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. Do it the right way, not relying on anyone else for this to happen. This is just what has to be done. I lack stability in my life. I lack direction. I lack a solid plan and these are things that need to change.
Because you never know when life will blackout for good.
And furthermore, love is all around me. Life is too short for a pothead distraction.
Life is so mysterious. It's a sort of sad day in the life of me today.
Let me start out by saying that I do not believe this is because of one boy or one incident. It would seem foolish and superficial of me to write what has happened to me off as just a reaction to being rejected. The truth of the matter is, I was fooling myself into being interested in someone for lack of anyone else to be interested in. I was attracted to him, but I think that's where it began and ended. I was foolish and this has taught me, once again, that attraction does not make a bond or, obviously, a relationship. For some people, but not me, being physical with someone is reserved for a relationship only. There is no such thing as just hooking up or dating and having fun. That is fine and I'd like to have less superficial relationships with the opposite sex, but alas, I have to take what I can get and give. So far, that has been my experience.
If you're still reading this post, I applaud you. I have gone way off the track from my original aim. This isn't about relationships or my sad song about the lack thereof. This is about my mortality.
I blacked out/passed out this morning for the first time in my life. The causes remain varied and obscure- I had worked out pretty heavily yesterday morning, I didn't eat enough during the day and I drank a couple of drinks on a fairly empty stomach pretty hasitly. I'd been feeling sick all day and out of it for the past couple of days and I guess it all caught up with me in that moment.
That moment is the one where he basically told me it was all in my head and that he wasn't interested in a relationship, or anything it turns out, at all. Wow, how can this be happening to me again under such different circumstances?
And in that moment, I didn't want his love or his arms around me. I wanted . . .I don't know. I wanted some Truth, I guess. but not his truth.
While I was talking to him, the world slowly went to black starting with the right side of my vision, and I initially thought I was just experiencing a blood rush to the head. This was different. This was like I was a computer who's monitor went into sleep mode. Then the sound slowly muted. Reality set in . . . it was like all the rejection I've experienced from an early age hijacked my vision and hearing. I was truly all alone with my thoughts and my voice.
All I kept thinking was: "God, I don't want to die. Not like this. Not with some fucking 30-year-old pothead in his room that had black light posters and who, most importantly, doesn't give a shit about me."
And the pothead told me to breathe and to calm down and I tried. I needed water. I needed to get to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone. I was embarrassed. What a great fucking time for my body to betray me.
I slowly came to while on the floor in his hallway. I looked around. I don't remember seeing him. It was freaky. I finally got to the bathroom and drank the water he got for me and looked in the mirror to see that I had a pimple on my forehead. "Great," I thought. "I'm still alive."
I don't know if I believe in God. I thought about my life during that black time. I thought about my mom and how I couldn't leave her. I thought about my dad, whom is always just out of my reach, and how he's given me the blueprint to go after these way unavailable guys. I thought vaguely about my brothers. I thought vaguely about the little girl I used to nanny for, Clare, who I feel so connected and responsible for. One day I want a little girl just like her.
Then I realized, "Holy shit, Adrienne! You are 23 and you are working at a music night club with these people who are super nice, but super content. You're here for so much more." I realized, like a broken record, I need to move to NYC. I need to do it again for myself. I need to chase after fame. These are things I've always wanted.
Love, of course, I want that, but you can't force it. You can't fake it. I for sure didn't feel any love for this latest guy. Not at all. Nor adoration. No wish to marry him. Nothing of the sort. I think I just wanted his body and attention. So why in the hell did I let him affect me so damn much?
My new plan is to move to NYC for real this time. Try acting, join a band and for real. Be a fabulous singer and that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. Do it the right way, not relying on anyone else for this to happen. This is just what has to be done. I lack stability in my life. I lack direction. I lack a solid plan and these are things that need to change.
Because you never know when life will blackout for good.
And furthermore, love is all around me. Life is too short for a pothead distraction.
Friday, December 28, 2007
ANNABELLE'S REVIEWS AND VIEWS: Juno
I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Juno was a cute movie. It'll make you feel good. It's like Napoleon Dynamite without all the awkwardness.
The acting is great. The dialogue is hilarious. It's as good as all the cool people are saying.
There is, actually, one aspect that's a little awkward, but you can see it for yourself.
Verdict: Movie theater it! (But if you're broke like me, wait for the DVD. There's no crazy special effects that would entice you to see it on the big screen.)
Thursday, December 27, 2007
FYI
Marilyn Monroe, Hollywood 1952
Do you exercise regularly?
I came across an article about how much Americans regular exercise, or rather, how many Americans exercise regularly and it turns out that about half of us do. Then I started thinking about people I know who exercise. Then I started thinking about me and how much I exercise and WHY I do so . . .
This really isn't really for your information as much as it's for MY information. I have been exercising fairly regularly since I was a very chubby 15-year-old. I did so because I knew that I didn't want to be "the fat girl" for the rest of my life. I remember the exact day I decided that I would lose weight and be healthy.
I used to be in show choir, a group where you sing and dance on stage, in high school. I LOVED it. Most of the older girls were dancers, so naturally they were thin and pretty. I was one of the youngest girls in the group, so add on the fact that I was chubby and awkward . . . I definitely DIDN'T fit in.
One day our instructor decided to videotape us because our dancing was becoming sloppy. She wanted to show us what we looked like on stage. We watched it and I felt SICK to my stomach. Seeing all that blubber, seeing how out of place I looked . . .I just couldn't believe that that was ME. I just kept thinking, "No wonder I don't have a boyfriend! Who would want to go out with me?" It was like for the first time I was seeing myself how others probably saw me and it broke my heart.
I was excused from class and claimed I was feeling sick (which was true). I went to the nurse and told my mom to come pick me up. Once I got into the car I cried and said: "I am so fat and ugly. I want to sleep forever!" And the truth was- I actually DID want to. With all my being, I wanted to sleep it off. Of course my over-dramatic mama FREAKED out. She said: "Do you know what you're implying? YOU'RE IMPLYING YOU WANT TO DIE!"
I was on suicide watch. I wrote in my journal, I slept and I watched television all day thinking about what I was going to do.
And then I decided I was going to lose weight and I knew I would do it. I just knew it would happen.
I looked in the phone book and searched for a kickboxing class. I got a free trial and loved it, but we found out it was going to cost $400 for a year, so my mom bought me a work out video instead (Kathy Smith: Kickboxing Workout) and I did it 3-4 times a week in my basement and it WORKED. I lost a significant amount of weight.
I made a promise to myself that cold and sunny day in November of my fifteenth year that I'd never be sedentary again. I had to work on my eating habits (and still am working on them to this day), but exercise was so important to me. It helps in every way. I may not be the most muscular Gym Queen in the whole world, but it's not about that for me at all. It's about health and happiness. It's about this being a part of my daily routine and my life forever.
Stop reading and start doing.
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