On Finding a Job and Stuff

The economy sucks. I've got bills for days. I've got to put gas in my car. And I don't want to get a real job just to pay for these things.

I just finished looking on employment websites for a job and it all makes me sick. Every ad I saw made me want to throw up because they were all things I just don't want to do.

I. just. don't. want. to. do. it.

I'm not proud of this stubbornness or this broke-ness I've experienced as a result of said stubbornness . . .not at all. I just physically, mentally and emotionally CAN'T DO IT.

I try not to beat myself up over it, but it's hard when I'm going to be 24 in a couple of weeks and you still, for the most part, have no set career path. I'm open to getting a good music job with the Club and I'm open to getting a staff writing position. I'm just so damn confused.

I have a part-time day job that I don't hate, but it's such BS and is NO WAY a career. It's a small, friendly office and I do pretty basic things, but my brain is not being challenged at all. To be honest, it's a tad bit insulting to my intelligence when someone has to pretty much remind me of how to alphabetize something.

I don't even want to move out in DC. Sometimes I do, but why would I put up with a shitty job just for the sake of living downtown? I know me. I know I'll be a bad employee and I know I'll be complaining about my job to everyone I encounter. I don't know if I can do that again.

I'm STRONGLY considering grad school. Like, it's probably going to happen. Scary as hell, but it's something I know I have to do. It's something I feel extremely compelled to do. It's something I want to do. I've had this plan for years, but now, finally, two years after graduating from college, I'm going to get serious about it.

It annoys me when people ask me what I want to do. When people think I lack direction. When people think I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing.

I'm so much more than my career choice.

Shit, is everyone as depressed over money and as broke as I am?

I've always said politics matter, but they don't directly affect my everyday life. WRONG! GEORGE W. BUSH SUCKS! THANKS FOR AFFECTING MY EVERY DAY LIFE DECISIONS WITH YOUR EVIL OIL TYCOON WAYS AND LACK OF CONCERN FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE! Way to fucking go!

I'm back!

So after over two months I've decided to start posting again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed my little break from the blog, but I miss it. Terribly. The new blog just wasn't doing it for me and there is something to be said about writing under a pseudonym and being able to really say what you feel. The mask definitely helps with honesty.

I am still going to maintain the other blog, but more for professional writing purposes. You can still check it out on the "Annabelle Loves" section of this blog.

On to other things . . .

I miss my friends.

I feel a bit out of touch with my friends. For the past month I've been extremely busy with work and my new boyfriend. Yesterday I got really upset thinking about how no has invited me to do anything lately. I have a girl's night next week to see the SATC movie, but other than that, I don't know when I will see anyone. My birthday is coming up and I hate to be all in touch with people and have them think it's just so I can have them celebrate with me. I just feel like a shitty friend sometimes. I'm a very social person and am generally pretty dependent and energized by my friendships, so without my girls, I feel a bit odd.

I always start feeling like this around my birthday. I start questioning myself and my relationships. That's just what happens.

Anyway, I'm off to shower and organize my desk a little bit. Talk soon.

L<3ve.>

It's been a grand time . . .

Hi beautiful people,

I think it's time for me to move on. I've enjoyed the past seven months blogging about who knows what. This started out as something completely different and I'm so thankful for the journey. I'm in such a different place than I was back then today that I believe I need start fresh completely.

Also, as I get serious about my future and career as a writer, I've got to take it more seriously and become, gasp, professional. As such, I'm going to get rid of this blog.

Fear not, I have another one that focuses on my writing and opinions: www.adriennechristina.wordpress.com.

Check me out there. It's been lovely.

Love.
A

Unemployment Rocks!

Doing More with Less:

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=34682

I read this article last week and found it extremely entertaining. While I don't agree with all of the author's views, I believe it still makes some valid points. And I'm all for, what the author deemed, "creative loafing." As long as you don't neglect responsibility.

FYI

Prescription drugs have been found in drinking water:

Story Highlights
- Investigation finds pharmaceuticals in drinking water of 41 million Americans
- Concentrations are minute; utilities say water is safe
- Low-level drug combinations found to impact human cells, wildlife
- Bottlers, some of who repackage tap water, do not typically treat, test for drugs


Interesting!

The Sims 2

i just finished playing The Sims 2 for about four hours. i once wrote a philosophical essay in college about The Sims 2. i have been playing since high school and i go through periods of time where i play it often and enjoy it.

oh yeah, speaking of writing, check out this article that i wrote for suite101.com: http://hair-care.suite101.com/article.cfm/relaxers

nuts, i'm a published writer now! i'm so motivated to query my ass off to get more of my writing out there. it feels so good to be doing something that i love. it doesn't feel like work.

oh yeah, and i've been talking about McDonalds for a few days with various people so i caved in and ate some today. i normally try to stay away, but i fucking love McDonalds fries. i got filet o'fish meal. so good. it was so worth it.

i saw The Hives at 930 Club last night and it was sweet. my best friends came with and we had a good time, even though neither of them really knew anything about the band. i love those girls so much!

i'm super tired. i'm going to go put some acne cream my face and pass out. then tomorrow i'll do all the shit i didn't get to today.

pro-Hillary

okay, so I'm coming out. a few people already know, but I'm coming out all the way right now because I feel the need to speak up at this point. i am pro-Hillary. i voted for her in the primary election for Maryland. there, i said it. god, that feels so much better.

yesterday morning, i turned on msnbc and was surprised and, even more surprising to me than being surprised, DELIGHTED to see that Hilary had won texas and ohio. i am really happy for her latest victory because i had given up. it seemed as though obama was going to get the remaining delegates and the nomination. in an interview before tuesday's primiaries, hillary said that she would not give up until the end. she said she would keep campaigning until June if she had to. okay, it seemed a bit silly, but the interviewer said something that caught me. it made me believe that she absolutely is doing it for the people, not for herself. he said (and i'm paraphrasing since i don't remember exactly):

"i think she is going to keep going because she truly doesn't have confidence in Obama's ability to be President."

he didn't say that she wants it "so bad" that she won't give up. it's not really about her . . .it's bigger. it's about what's best for the country. and this was before the primaries on tuesday, so I basically thought "man, we're going to be missing out on a great leader." she is ruthless, determined, passionate and confident . . .and i also agree with her views. she is who i believe in. if these things make her a bitch, so fucking what. (maybe i am, too.) she didn't give up and she WON ohio and texas. no one saw it coming. are people finally realizing they've been a bit to hard on her?
people are having "buyer's remorse" with Obama. i've talked to a few people who are going through it. they're questioning why they voted for him and what he really is going to do. we all know he has a lot of motivating, inspiring and uplifting things to say ("YES, WE CAN!"), but how does he intend on executing these lofty ideas? i am ALL for idealism, but i believe you need to have a solid plan and, sorry, experience before you can be my next president. you don't always have time to give speeches during a time of crisis.

and i don't dislike Obama or his supporters. i like that so many people have gotten behind a black man for president. it shows that, yes, in some ways we are post-racial in America (but there are still some limiations that i don't dare go into right now in this blog). that makes me happy.

and then there's the media forcing me to question my race and sex when it comes to who i support. why am i not completely behind Obama, who is black like me. why am i not pulling behind him more? is it BECAUSE he's black? do i not have faith in a black man running our country? maybe i'm more female than i am black and that's why i'm voting for Hillary?

and since i'm college educated, i'm supposed to be for Obama. kinda ironic, that LOGICALLY, you should be more inclined to vote for Hillary because LOGICALLY she would be the best choice. because, you know, us college educated folks are supposed to be smart.

the point is, i believe in Hillary. always have, always will. i tried to jump on the Obama bandwagon and months ago, when his campaign was speeding up, i watched him speak and i just didn't get it. i saw Oprah's endorsement of him and just didn't get it. i still don't get it. i would be happy to see a black president and i will be sad if Obama doesn't win, but i don't think he's our guy. not this time. not now.

and don't even get me started on McCain and who will be able to win against him. hands down, Hillary is our girl.

Nothin' much goin' on . . .

Today was such a good day. Just thought I'd put that out there. It's been a long time since I could thoroughly say that. I feel like there's a lot of bitching and complaining done in this blog, so I'm putting some positive energy out there.

Just breathe. Just believe.

WTF

So, I've decided to volunteer somewhere. Why is it so hard to do so? I've been searching for an event to help with and it's way harder than I imagined. I have to apply, contact various people and do other things. You'd think I could just show up, right? Who'd have thought it would be that hard to help people? Well, it's not going to stop me, that's for sure. I've gone through greater hoops for a pair of jeans.

I wish they'd make it easier for someone who has decided to help others. No wonder people don't volunteer more.

FYI

Updates on my life . . .

1.) I no longer work at the gym. It just wasn't working out and I could never commit to it for one year. Technically I was "let go," but it was because I told her I couldn't do full-time anymore and then she said part-time wouldn't work AND I wasn't excelling at the job. Ouch, way to put that excelling part in there. It kind of stings, but I know it's true. And the sad part is, I didn't even really try.

2.) I am sick with the flu. No fun, but I'm enjoying this time of rest in bed. It's maddening to not be able to even sit up for more than 15 minutes, but this affords me to sleep and think about my next move in life.

3.) NYC is heavy on my mind again. I need to save more money before I can make the move, but I am thinking I need to just do it. I need to get my shit together.

4.) I am focusing on writing because it makes me happy and I'm realizing I can't really do anything else. I've tried everything, but I do not think I will find happiness working for anyone but myself and doing what I love and enjoy. It just isn't working out any other way.

That's all for now. I'm trying to get better so that I can go to work at 930 tonight. I am so sick of the drive. I'm also sick of some of the people, too. BLEH!

"You haven't really changed at all."

I didn't fit in with my "core friends" from high school. We didn't have that much in common intellectually, emotionally, mentally, or physically, but we were all friends. I'm still best friends with one of the girls, but I have lost contact with the others.

Now we're 23, one of us has THREE children (she just recently had twins!), two of us are married (the one with three kids and one other one) and two of us have no fucking clue what we're doing anymore (me and my bff) and we totally don't talk to one of the other girls.

I worked all day yesterday at the gym, as well as all night until 2:30am at 930 the night before, so I was exhausted. I even had to change in my car before we met up because I had no time to go home in between work and dinner, so I felt a little self-conscious. I'm a much more confident person in general than when I was friends with them in high school, but it was the first day of my period, so life is kind of out of whack anyway for me.

It was great seeing them all and being able to gossip about other people (just as we know we gossip about each other still) and compare stories of woe . . . which were reserved for me and my best friend who are similar places in our lives (still searching for the right man, career and life). The other girls are happy, or at least they're not the type to say they aren't. They're both married and stable. It's beautiful for them, but I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me.

We went to the bookstore after dinner because I wanted to pick up some books. Once we were there, the girls just talked and talked, while I looked around for books. I had no interest in anything they were talking about and HELLO! I'm in a bookstore, I'm not going to sit around and gossip about so and so. I'm going to look for . . .books. So, I realize maybe I'm being rude and go back to join them, although I have no true desire. I'm feeling blah and to be honest, I would have rather been at home in bed.

I thought I was being fake going to the dinner since I really didn't want to go, but I did want to support and catch up with my friend who had twins. One of the other girls irritated me to no end in HS and she still does (I'm not even going to go there), but I'm still glad I went.

On the drive home, I called my best friend and we're talking about how it wasn't as awkward as we thought it would be. I then said that the Irritating Girl hasn't changed AT ALL, even though she's married now. My friend agreed and then I said, "I mean, none of us have really changed all that much, but we've grown up." And my friend said, "You definitely haven't changed." And then she said she herself has changed a lot and asked if I agreed. I kind of shimmied around the answer.

I mean, change is such a contextual and often specifically appropriate thing to comment on when it comes to people. Do we ever really change at our core?

In the context of my core friends from high school, no, I haven't changed. I still feel awkward and I still feel as though we have nothing in common. That's why I've lost contact with those girls. I realized I'm completely different than them and that's okay. I'm not beating myself up over not being like them because, as screwed up as I am, I like being like myself. I don't know if I liked myself back in the day, and that's how I've changed. I've accepted how they are and more importantly, I've accepted myself.

And that's the correct change, in my opinion.

wake up, unravel

the Israel that i never knew
much more than myself
upon the lips i’ve never kissed
but imagine so well

the time i have spent
obsessing about my life
and the pestering superficialities
that cause me such strife

decisions making me
instead of the other way around
so many possibilities
cause me to shut down

i found myself in the Backbar
my 23 year old face in my hand
dreamily contemplating
the unraveling of my life plan

i once pulled the ball of yarn
with the naïveté of bliss
and kept dropping the string
because of lack of focus

i’m so over it all
mainly the lack of stability
the not-knowing is worn out

do i have the ability
to let go of the dream
of the me i was supposed to be
in the place i thought i’d be
when everything is piling against me?

but i inexplicably visualize
the sleeping lips
that i never kissed
and the feeling of his hands on my hips
still in my head

in an imperative whisper
i should have said:
"wake up, silly"

but i smiled instead

Confidence

Today one of my co-workers at my new job said I don't seem like I'm confident during the warm-up for the kids and that if I don't feel confident in myself, no one else will trust me. She's right, but also, I don't really know what I'm doing, nor do I even want to do it. Hence why I might seem unconfident.

And then this evening I went bowling with some of my 930 club coworkers and I HATE bowling because I'm not good at it, it's boring to me, and I think it's an awkward thing to do. So, anyway, I'm so fucking awkward and apparently one of my coworkers jokingly said I don't believe in myself when I bowl so that's why I suck. So, I believed and then I bowled a strike! YAY! It was pretty amazing, but then it all went away. And I stopped believing. But did my disbelief contribute to the consequent sucking or did my consequent sucking cause me not to believe anymore?

I'm not a very confident person. Optimistic? Usually, although you'd never guess it from my blog entries. A feeling of self-worth? Absolutely. But confident? No, I'm not.

Why not?

Well, as I've stated before, I don't really think I'm that good at a lot of things. That in itself wouldn't cause me to classify myself as unconfident. It would mean that I am realistic, I think. "Good" is so relative and according to my high standards, I don't believe I'm that good at most things.

Perhaps it all goes back to the fact that I was made fun of for a plethora of reasons during my childhood and adolescent years. I don't know how I could be a confident adult with people being so damn mean to me for so long. I blocked a lot of it out, but I still carry those judgements in my head. They're still there in my subconscious and I don't know what to do.

I think I've ruined relationships, friendships and even myself in a lot of ways with my lack of confidence. I just wish there was a way to get it back. I try to fake it, but then it catches up unexpectedly.

It's good to be confident. It's bad to be arrogant, full of yourself and unrealistic, but it's probably healthier than the opposite.

If only I could find some confidence somehow . . .but I'd probably be bad at it.

What do you do?

"So, what do you do?"

I fucking hate how that is like the first question people ask you. Your job does not make you, but somehow it does. People categorize you by the work that you do. I feel like it may just be a DC thing, but maybe it's just any metropolitan area. Everyone is preoccupied with careers. I think it's very unhealthy and bizarre.

I run into it all the time now that I'm an adult. While working at 930 Club, people are CONSTANTLY asking me what "else" I do. "I now you just don't work here," they say. I sometimes answer with "I'm in between jobs right now" or "Still trying to figure it out" which prompts them to wince. I know what they're thinking because I've thought it, too. There's no way to make someone stop talking to you and literally walk away from you faster than to answer their question with: "This is my only job."

I have learned to stop caring what other people think about what I do for a living because I know there is SO MUCH MORE going on with me right now than Mr. Joe Accountant's or Ms. Jill Awesome Freelance Photographer's opinion of my career choices thus far. I even got propositioned by a "big shot" man who was enchanted with me and knew someone who writes for Rolling Stone. Who the fuck cares? The eighteen year old Music Industry major I used to be might have cared at one point, but the jaded, skeptical twenty-three year old me can see right through it for the bullshit it really is.

Now, the hard part for me is determining HOW I'm going to make a living. I still haven't figured it out yet and I'm about to quit ANOTHER job. God, it's so embarrassing how unstable I am. :\ I wish someone could tell me the answers.

FYI

I wish somehow I could get $10,000. I wouldn't even use it for frivolous things. I need it.

Stupid Cupid

Happy Valentine's Day to my single girls and relationship girls! Love what you got! ♥

My New Job

I'm so apprehensive about things. I reeeeeeeally hated my first full-time job. It was traumatizing how horrible I felt there. Not to mention my manager and I really didn't get along. I've been thinking about one of the last things she said to me before I left. When I was leaving, she said something about one of my references being the selling point in me getting the job. How fucking rude and passive-aggressive of her. I have ROCKED every other job I had, but I HATED working for her and the company. The job wasn't what I expected or what it was presented to be. I was at fault, too, I guess. I was disillusioned and found myself being really lazy after awhile. I could go on and on, but I'm not going to put that out there. I think it's ridiculous that she'd hire me just because of one reference. Obviously she was just mad and embarrassed because she chose me and it didn't work out, so she decided to put it all on me. I quit and I sucked at the job, but it's not for lack of intelligence or ability . . .it's for lack of interest in playing the role. Yes, I sound bitter and maybe I am, but I also don't care about that job that much. It's hard for me to even remember anything about it.

That experience scarred and scared me. I never again want to work for corporate America or work behind a computer and deal with office politics. That's why I'm not.

This new full-time, salaried job is NOTHING like that other job, but I am still apprehensive. I'm still second-guessing everything. I have a shield up. I'm more than confident I can do the job, but I'm still nervous. I don't want to ever feel trapped again. I don't ever want to feel incompetent. I don't ever want to hate my job again.

And after the first day, I'm not in love, but I'm not in hate. I'm adjusting. I'm learning. I'm optimistic.

FYI

I have a new item on my wish list! I want to get Invisalign to close my open bite and push back from front teeth. I am a tongue thruster (not in a good way) and I'm working on that habit, but now I need to fix the damage that has already been done.

I was told I needed braces when I was 22. Up until then no dentist ever referred me to an orthodontist. In fact, when I was a pre-teen I wanted braces and constantly asked my dentist if I needed them. It was mostly because all of my friends had braces and I had to be like everyone else so I thought, "Pleasepleaseplease tell me I need braces!" I was reassured by my dentist each time that no, I did not need them. My teeth were beautiful. UGH!

People have noticed my slightly bucked teeth as I got older. Enough comments have been made that it makes me self-conscious now.

Last year, I finally went to an orthadontist for a consultation after a new dentist finally(!) recommended me. I was broke, so there was no way I could even AFFORD braces, but I went anyway. The orthadonist was angry that I had never been referred to an ortho before and then he suggested braces, to which I said: "No." He got really pissed with me, but I just couldn't see myself with braces at 22. Hello, I have enough strikes against me physically, how in the hell am I supposed to add another one with braces? No thanks.

Now, I am sure that when I get enough money, I'm getting Invisalign. It's invisible for the most part and aside from the annoyance of taking them out and brushing my teeth each time I eat, it seems perfect for me. I am thinking about Invisalign all the time. I research it all the time. It's my new wish. I have to have it.

The Great Political Post

(Has anyone noticed the sexual tension between Obama and Clinton?)

I have been thinking up this post for quite some time. I have been hesitant to voice my opinion on the Democratic primary candidates for various reasons, one of which was the fact that I just wasn't entirely sure who I was going to vote for. I have been avoiding the Obama campaign because he just wasn't doing it for me and a lot of his supporters are generally annoyingly overzealous. Not to mention, they all feel a the need to personally attack Clinton instead of arguing against her policies, although said views are very similar to Obama's anyway. For these reasons, I was resisting the Obama bandwagon.

Well, ladies (and gents?), I have come to understand the other side. There are several reasons why I now think that Obama would be the better choice. I am still not anti-HIlary. In fact, I think she is very competent and would be able run our country quite well.

But, we need something new and different.

If it's not working, you've got to fix it. Right now in our country, we're in a crisis, we're at a crossroads. We've got to change a great deal of things.

I am still torn, though.

I don't know if Obama can hold is own against McCain. I think there is a strong chance that McCain will win the vote, so now it's a matter of who can win against McCain. I personally think Clinton would be able to hold her own against McCain considerably better than Obama, but Clinton is so damn polarizing . . .but so is Obama for some Americans. Ugh. See what I mean?

My indecision is so frustrating. Tomorrow when I go into the voting booth, who knows who I will vote for. But one thing is for certain . . .I will be voting!

FYI: On Positivity

I deleted my entry from yesterday morning. I guess I was just freaking out initially about the one year thing because I wasn't expecting it. It goes against all of my plans, but I know if I turn down this opportunity I will regret it. The stability and responsibility I was yearning for may come from this experience. There's nothing bad in that.

This job is kind of answering my prayers. I said I didn't want another office job and I'm sticking to it. I just can't do it. It's not for me. I said I wanted to work with kids somehow. I like working out. I like being silly. This job is all of that.

I'm making money doing things I love and I don't think it gets much better than that when choosing a career path.

Over coffee with a friend yesterday, I realized that I may not be in NYC, but I sure like where I am right now. I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm happy with my decisions. I'm headed in the right direction.

I like Oprah. I don't think she's nearly as evil as everyone makes her out to be and I think I'll do a post about that sometime. On her show yesterday, some life coach said the following and it really resonated with me:

"Love life because life loves you back."

I agree. And those who get annoyed with my positivity and don't understand my decisions, that's fine. Take your negativity and doubt somewhere else.