I've been in a lazy mood.

Hi beautiful people,

I am writing to you from my bed. I have been in and out of it since about one or two this afternoon. I've been spending most of my time watching "Doctor Who". I am addicted to it thanks to the boy. He let me borrow one series (or season in the States) of it that he got from his first mate. It's a British television show about time travel. It's really adventurous, campy, and smart. I miss London. My adventures there (about three years ago now!) were timeless. I still wear a lot of the clothes I bought while I was there. I always have a part of that place with me.

I've been a little lazy lately. I have been working out somewhat regularly and trying not to be too much of a pig, but other than that, I've been more than happy to sit on my ass watching television. I'm not even reading that much right now. I just don't feel like it.

I am still on the hunt for a part-time or full-time job to supplement my income. Mainly just to pay bills. I have no interest in starting a "career" here. After interviewing for the job in NYC (which I still haven't heard back from!I might not until after the Holidays!), I realize how badly I want to work there. I really want to work more in the music industry. I will always have writing, you know? I don't know. Talking to some of my friends who aren't broke, who are advancing in their careers and what not, makes me feel really shitty. Envious, even. I wish I was financially in great shape to buy "extras" and to comfortably cover my overhead at the least. I don't even have that. I mean, I'm happy. I love my part-time job I have no at the Club, but it just ain't paying the bills. Why does this have to be so hard?

At least I can justify sitting on my ass and playing on my computer because I'm not spending any money. :)

Yesterday I spent some time at the library doing research. I had an epiphany. It's this weird energy that I get when I'm there amongst books sometimes. It's like they are things that people have filled with special thoughts and information that they want the world to see and it affects me. I know I sound like a looney chick, but I just get positive energy from libraries.

ANYWAY- so here's what I jotted down:

"I have this baby inside of me that has been waiting to be birthed for some time. Before I wanted to be a famous rockstar even. (I've always thought performing on stage is my dream, and I still do, but I haven't done so in YEARS!) I want to represent women and girls, give them hope, let them love themselves, live better lives. I can't explain it. I see it. I feel it. I just need it to come to fruition. I'm open and I recieve it. 11/19/08"

Blah. It sucks not knowing the next step.


Well, I'm off to continue watching "Doctor Who". Until next time . . .

A

RIP TRL

So I just watched over 2 hrs of MTV (something I haven't done in a very long time), more specifically, of TRL (something I haven't done in an even LONGER time). I remember the first episode when I was in high school. I remember the mom and dad of the show MTV Live and Total Request. It started the careers of so many big-name artists of today. I'm getting a little sad watching the end. Who'd have thunk it??

Also, I have been watching Doctor Who all day. My boyfriend lent me Season 2 on DVD and I'm hooked. So good!

Also, I need money like WHOA. Ugh. Story of my life . . . Everything will be alright, I'm sure.

Eminem on TRL with Carson Daly? Hello 2000!

What a lovely, lazy Sunday.

Past-life regression

Sometimes my past comes back to haunt me for inexplicable reasons. Past friendships, relationships, hurt, experiences, feelings, etc. etc. It's bizarre because the past exists only in my mind and everything I feel when think of the past is just based on an illusion. It's easy to re-imagine the past and let go, and I think I've done it for the most part, but sometimes it just comes back when I let my guard down. And I don't like it one bit.

Even writing this right now is not doing me any good, really. I was about to write about a bunch of things that keep popping in my head, but the idea of writing it all down kind of makes me depressed. It's giving life to these thoughts and memories that I need to let go of. So here I am . . .letting go.

It's amazing what positive thoughts and energy can do. Truly.

Let go.

Like me for me

In a lot of romantic relationships I've been in, and even platonic relationships, I've gotten the feeling that the other person has wanted to change something about me. I've felt like I had to do some convincing of some sort for that person to want to be with me, even as a friend. In my truest and most comfortable relationships, that's not the case. In those awesome relationships, I feel as though I can just be myself, whoever that person may be at any given time. I can be neurotic, dorky, sleepy, moody or whatever, because guess what? That's me sometimes. No pretenses. No judgements. Just plain ol' me.

You know, it's occurred to me that this could all just be in my head. Maybe no one feels these certain ways about me. Maybe I'm putting all this undue pressure on myself for some unknown reason. I want to get to the point where I can just be.

There are changes being discussed in my current romantic relationship and it's to the point where I have to "sell" my partner on a certain idea or dream for him (or for me?). I feel very uncomfortable doing this because it doesn't seem right. He should want something for himself. Anyway, I've been there before. I've been in such unhealthy, hurtful relationships that made me feel as though I wasn't good enough because the other person didn't feel a certain way. I've thought, "Maybe if I was less this, he'd be more into me. Maybe if I was more like this, he'd be sure of things."

I'm tired of trying to convince people to do things. Right now I'm waiting to get a job offer and it's tiresome waiting for their decision. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I'm tired of convincing people of things.

In other news, I did yoga yesterday for the first time in months. I also had amazing workouts for a few days in a row and I'm feeling so much better about myself. I need more yoga in my life.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Well, as the title suggests, this post is primarily going to be about The Real Housewives of Atlanta. But, before I get there, here's a few other things I've been wanting to blog about for sometime . . .

To start off, my freaking laptop battery has the shortest life ever. I've had my Apple PowerBook for over three years, so maybe it's time for a little tune up. I don't even know what that requires. I'm going to do some research and maybe add that to my Christmas List this year. I also need another iPod as my sound is completely out on the right side. This never happened with my other iPods. I like the new colorful Nanos. I like the purple one.

Also, I'm still waiting to hear back about the fantastic job in NYC. I'm getting nervous and I'm even getting a little weird about blogging about it until it's a reality. Don't wanna jinx anything. I'm beginning to lose hope . . .not good. Also, I'm selling my car. I just can't afford the payments any more. So basically, I have to get this job in NYC.

Okay, so back to the original purpose of my blog. Have you SEEN this season of The Real Housewives? Now, I loved me some Real Housewives of NYC more than the OC one because I felt like I could relate a little more to the East Coast chicks. NOW THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE ON BRAVO and I'm like, WHOA! I can relate even more. Well, not really. I'm not a housewife. I'm not in my 30s or 40s. (Well, "Housewife" Kim is apparently 29?????) I'm not rich. So really all I have in common with these women (except Kim) is the melanin in my skin. Oh well. Anyway, I love this. The cattiness. It's out of control amazing TV.

My feelings about each housewife will be in the corresponding font color of the dress that the are wearing in this photo. (I'm going to have to do something special for Lisa and Sheree since they are wearing the same color though.)

NENE- So, Anderson Cooper likes her breasts! Ha, they are a bit out of control, but Nene is fabulous. She's opinionated, funny and I think she's a great friend. Her drunken song about Kim's singing abilities (or lack thereof ) and true age was funny and quite true. Not the nicest thing to do, but there was nothing horrible about it. Also, she's obviously hurt because Kim has betrayed her friendship by siding with Sheree. Nene's family issues make her real and relatable. She is a good mom and is involved. She's my favorite housewife.

DaShawn- She is so sweet! Her voice is a little nasally for my tastes, but she seems innocent, kind-hearted and positive. I like her. Nothing else really going on with her. Except maybe she's a little spoiled as evidenced by her hiring so much "help" for her "estate."

Lisa- Lisa is all about BUSINESS and she'll tell you that about five times throughout each episode. She's always networking, coming up with business strategies and having classy gatherings at her home.But, hey! At least the girl WORKS! Unlike most of these other chicks. But she's one dimensional. There's nothing to latch on to. She needs to give us more!

Sheree- Well, Sheree gets one of the ugliest colors because . . .well, if you saw the show you'd know why. She sucks. She's sort of a bitch and not because she's so beautiful . . .but because she's so cold and bitchy. She's probably gotten all she wanted from people, but she's missing something. I can't get all deep on this because I don't even know her, but I'm sick of her claiming every one's a "hater." She claims that she has it all and that Nene is jealous and unhappy inside. Honey, look in the mirror. At least her children seem very sweet and maybe there's still hope for them! And her friendship with Kim? Uhhhhh.

Kim- So I saved the best for last. Kim is a divorced chain-smoker who has botox every six months, with two daughters and an elusive rich boyfriend named Big Poppa who buys her anything she wants, including studio time with producer Dallas Austin. YUP! I can't hate on her. I'd love to be a singer too and I think it's great she's going for her dreams. She is also a sweet person, it seems. She is trusting of everyone and pretty naive. She is TOTALLY being manipulated by Sheree. She's a little narcissistic and self-involved, too. That being said, I don't hate her. I just think she looks WAY older than 29 and should pay more attention to her children. She should also stop chain smoking, but also in front of them. Also, she should get a job or a passion instead of letting a man pay for everything. He owns a part of her. If he decides to leave her, what else will she have? It's not teaching her children much. That's all.

So enough of my delicious gossiping. I'm done. It's just fun to indulge every once in a while.

So, America has a new President who is intelligent, diplomatic and charismatic. I'm truly so glad this election is over and I'm also glad I didn't blog about it. I did enough reading and talking about it to last a lifetime. Hurray for Senator Obama and hurray for the USA. FINALLY!

I have a headache . . .

I gave up coffee last week. It's actually not all that hard to avoid it, but I definitely miss the warm cup in my hand in the morning, especially now that the mornings are getting colder. I'm not giving it up forever, but I just wanted to take a break from it. I decided to go the extra mile and give up ALL caffeine. Yikes, I didn't realize how much caffeine I drank until I gave it up. I sleep better at night, that's for sure. I get really tired around 9 or 10pm though.

I was thinking of trying tea as an alternative, but I figure I can give my teeth a break from being stained if I avoid warm, dark beverages all together. So no dark teas for me. I had mint tea the other morning and that was pretty good.

I don't enjoy green tea, no matter how good it is for me. I used to be able to drink it just because it's supposed to be so healthy and good for me, but one day I realized I just didn't even like it. It's sort of the same thing that happened with plum tomatoes and croutons in salad for me. I just got used to eating it, but didn't truly WANT it. So I stopped eating them.

What else in my life do I do "just because" without thinking about it and that I don't truly need? What else could I use a break from?

What I've Learned About Love 10/10/08 . . .

Love has taught me that not everyone has bad ulterior motives. Not everything is from a bad place. Love is not always critical. My boy is not from a bad place. He's so good, so positive, so optimistic. It's beautiful and is teaching me so much about mankind and myself. I'm growing all the time. I'm trying. I love him and our love is something I am so thankful I've been able to experience.

The only one I'm fighting in this relationship is myself and it's weird for me. I keep looking for a fight, but there just isn't one there. It breaks my heart that I could scar him in any way or hurt him. I want to be good, if only for him. If only to preserve his goodness.

Thats what I've learned.

What a difference a week makes . . .

Things are infinitely better today than they were last weekend. I have gone a terrific job interview and I am in talks for another amazing job in NYC that I want so badly it hurts. Life is looking so much better for me.

Of course I still have issues. I love my boyfriend so much and so badly that it frightens me (I don't want to end it with him). I have gained about 5-10 pounds in the past 5 months. I am still in debt. I need braces. I can't get to the gym when I want. It's endless . . .

But I feel so much better right now. More in control.

Thanks.

Annabelle Blue feeling a little blue . . .PART 2

I am really getting sick of working at the Club. Seriously. Driving all the way down there is not fun anymore. I like what I'm doing now at the Club and working less there, so that's good. I just have no desire to get all wrapped up in it anymore.

I am embarrassed about only working there right now. People think I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it's true. It makes me feel like utter shit that people think I'm so lost and sad because I'm not making lots of money and super "successful" in whatever sense of the word they use to define it. It makes me wanna cry and if I knew what to do to prove them wrong and still be HAPPY with myself, my God, I'd be all about it . . .but I don't know.

I'm kind of embarrassed around my boyfriend's family because I know how they feel about his career choice and life right now . . .and I'm at the same place he is. I know they like me, but I can't help but get upset at what they might think about my aimlessness in life right now.

I also have something else that is sort of unrelated that has been picking at my brain, too.

I AM SO STRESSED RIGHT NOW! Godddddddddddddddd. I hate feeling this way. :(

Annabelle Blue is feeling a little blue . . .

Hi faithful readers,

So, I'm feeling extremely shitty about things right now. Really. It's been a year since I quit my solid (and grossly unsatisfying) 9 to 5(:30) gig in search of myself, what I truly wanted and freedom. I am WORLDS happier than I was then, but sadly, I've come upon the realization that I'm just as lost. And still pretty confused. Oh yeah, and very, very broke.

My guy's birthday is Wednesday and I want to do something very special because this is an important birthday for him and guess what? I'm broke. I can't afford the things I want to do. He just moved back home with his parents and I'm living at home right now, too, so things are just rough and awkward and hard. Just plain and simply, things are harder and more difficult. (If you know what I'm saying . . .) We live so far away from each other and seeing each other requires spending money on gas, usually food and other things. A lot of times neither of us wants to make the drive and when we end up meeting somewhere to hang out we're usually at a loss about what to do.

He's going through a roughish time right now with figuring out what he wants to do, too. It just can't work with both of us in the same rut. Or maybe it can? I just don't know.

I love him, I truly do, and it's very hard to imagine that maybe if I wasn't in a relationship, I'd be more gung-ho about moving away, chasing whatever dreams I have and what not.

I just feel stuck.

He makes me so happy and I don't want to lose him. But, I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. Every fucking job I get and apply for makes me unhappy. The only satisfying thing about them is that I'd be making more money and I'd be able to move out. Forget about the bills upon bills that I need to pay. Never mind the fact that I don't really want to live in DC for another two years while I go to grad school here. I love working at the Club I work at, but it's by no means a career and I can't even SUPPORT myself as-is by working there. I just don't know anymore . . .

I still want to live in NYC. I don't know about going to school there, but it is a dream I've had. I love NYC and want to get there. If I could find a job there that I like, who's to say I shouldn't go there? Try it again. Although I still have doubts about that as well.

And grad school . . .really? Will that help me? I want to do it, but at this point, it's financially stupid. Especially without the guarantee that I won't be at the same place I am now. And what am I going to do while I'm working on school. I can't live at home and go to school. I'll have to work full-time again to support myself. And what about my relationship?

Simply put: I have no idea what to do. I'm looking for jobs left and right. I'm applying to a grad school program in Washington, DC. I'm hoping to move out by November. I've got lots of debt (student loan debt, medical bills, car, bills from my LAST apartment). My credit is shit.

God, I just need help. I need guidance. I need money. I need a career. I hate being so needy, but I am right now. Maybe putting this all out in the Universe will help somehow.

Just Checking In . . .

So it's around 3:00pm on a Saturday which I still find myself in bed. I didn't get home from work until 2am last night and had another late night the night before, too. It's weird how one night of work until 2 or 3 can mess me up for about two days afterwards. My sleep/energy level is so particular.

Today my only mission was to hang out with one of my friends and write an article. So far I've got none of those things accomplished. I was on the phone talking to a few friends for a couple of hours, went to the bank and took a nap. Now I'm going to try to eat a little lunch and write.

I can't wait until my contract is up with Verizon and I get a new phone. I'm looking at the Samsung Glide. I want a Qwerty keyboard really bad. I'm also looking at the LG Voyager. I love LGs. They're awesome phones.

On another note, I am still job hunting. I think I'm going to FINALLY get around the dream board I've been meaning to create for months. It's been so long since I had a low-key Saturday alone. :)

'Till next time . . .

i wanna start a magazine for girls and women to read and not feel bad about themselves. i don't want it to be all about sex, starving yourself and buying shit.

i want it to be something i woul dlike to read.

i don't want my readers to feel like they have to change themselves. basically, i want an "o" magazine for younger people like me. to inspire. to help. to enhance.

something i wish i could have read or still read even.

i know what makes me happiest.

a crackhead's opinion of my blackness

The other night as I was walking outside of 9:30 Club on the night of the George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic show, a crackhead proclaimed the following after hearing me talking with my co-worker:

"SHE TALK WHITE!"

He said so in a very, very, disgusted tone. I kinda laughed to myself and stopped talking to see if I had heard correctly.

"She talk white! You heard me! She sound white!"

My co-worker and I shared a laugh. "Don't listen to that guy," my black co-worker advised.

"Oh, I don't care. It's whatever. It's funny because . . ."

"You're better than him. He's ignorant," my co-worker continued.

"No, it's not even that," I replied. Truthfully, it's not anything new. It's not earth-shattering news to me that some random crackhead (and many others) may think I talk white. If this were back in middle school, I'd have internalized it and made myself feel shitty and not good enough over it, but I'm 24 now and I truly, honestly, positively, don't give a shit anymore.

It's like people who have a problem with who I date. Does dating a white guy make me, by default, hate black guys? Am I a race traitor? I can understand the jealousy that might come from black guys since I'm dating someone else (who just happens to be a skinny white kid) but I don't think it should mean I'm any less black in their eyes. That's what bothers me more than anything else, I guess. But I don't let my blackness define who I am in any way. I am nothing and everything. I am just me.

So shall I not enunciate properly and throw more slang into my vocabulary? Shall I mix up the tenses of my speech a little bit and inflict a "black" tone? That will surely mean that I'm black, I'm sure. Because it's very important to be black. Then maybe I can get a pass for my other indiscretions such as liking people for much more than the color of their skin and not caring who they are banging in their bedroom or laughing with on the street.

why so serious?

i had such a great weekend. i worked, i relaxed, i ate, i loved, i visited.

so "The Dark Knight" was awesome. see it. watching Heath on screen was sad because he can never reprise his role. it's SO sad. it was like seeing a ghost. i'm not one for writing reviews, so i won't write one, but i can say that i loved it and will probably see it again.

i'm heavily researching grad schools again. i've got a lot of decisions to make, but i'm making one very soon. i can't take it any longer. this blog is making it even harder.

i'm also looking for full-time jobs very intently so that i can become an adult and move the fuck out. and probably sell my lovely car so that i can save money and pay some bills.

trying to keep it positive as usual. it's easier said than done.

until next time . . .

gossip and other less likeable traits

i hate gossip and yet somehow i'm always involved in it. i do it without thinking and sometimes without even knowing what i'm doing is qualified as "gossip." i also have a problem with opening my mouth at times when other more evolved people might keep their mouths closed. i have never been good at keeping shit to myself . . .or being the cute quiet girl.

somehow people always feel comfortable with confronting me instead of other people when it comes to stuff like that because i guess i give off the sensitive, apologetic doormat vibe or something. it makes me a nervous wreck and really sick to think i'm the very thing i hate in other people.

i'm also trying to be less self-aware and apologetic, traits which i've been accused of by more than one person in recent times. hello, this blog is riddled with my overanalyzing of every-fucking-thing. that's what i do.

along with my acute hypochondria which has also been passed down the line by the women of my family, i'm a "hot mess." and yet somehow people still like me. somehow i still have friends.

no one's perfect. everyone has their thing. i just hate feeling like i've always done something wrong. the guilt in itself makes me feel guilty for having it. my head isn't so pretty on the inside sometimes.

so i've given up gossip blogs. too much negative karma. i'm also going to work on being positive. time to focus on me again.

Let's play pretend . . .

Is everyone just pretending?

This is all way too personal . . .but personally I don't care.

I find myself wanting to write about things that are way too personal on this blog. I could just write it in a notebook for no one to see, but somehow, and for some unknown reason to me, I feel compelled to write for all to see. I feel the need to get it out there . . .for better or worse. Truthfully, I could say anything about myself because I don't care what anyone reading this thinks of ME. My loyal readers have seen me at my worst. This blog is about me figuring stuff out professionally, personally, financially, mentally, etc. so doing that I could write whatever I want and justify it somehow. For what sake . . .I don't know.

The problem is, what about me wanting to blog about other people? And what do I do when/if those other happen to stumble about this and knows it's MY blog? What if I hurt them with how I think? Who knows how this could get in their hands?

That being said, I think one of my friends has an eating disorder. I believe she had one a year or so ago and I never confronted her then. I tried to confront her last night, but I felt GUILTY and WEIRD about it.

I wish I could be really thin like her sometimes. Everyone thinks she's "so pretty" and she gets far more attention from boys than me. Of course, the guys she gets attention from are generally guys I wouldn't want attention from. And I can't force a guy to be interested in/attracted to me if they're not, so what's the point. There have been times when we've gone out and a guy I WAS attracted to was obviously in to her, but I have a healthy attitude toward it all. It doesn't REALLY bother me.

So by me confronting her, I feel weird. When we go out and she eats nothing but lettuce and a little bit of oil and gets a calorie free drink at Starbucks, which is her right and perrogative, while I get a bacon and cheese topped chicken sandwich with bread (and fruit instead of fries) and a cup of coffee with skim milk . . .I wish I could be healthier. I wish I could CARE more about being skinny, but I don't and in some sick way, I'm jealous that she the willpower and the desire to be really thin. And I feel horrible about feeling that way.

But I know she's not happy. I want her to be happy. I know enough about eating disorders to know that it isn't about food or body image. It's about something else. She admits she has "nothing better to do" than diet and exercise. She, at one point, was going to the gym TWICE a day. In the morning and after work. That isn't healthy and even she knows that. She doesn't have a boyfriend to occupy her time, she says, so this is it. She can rationalize it that way and it's hard for me to disagree with her, but I just KNOW it isn't right.

So I don't know what to do. I'm worried, but sometimes I worry that I'm worried for the right reason.

my current meditation

just because i'm happy
doesn't mean i don't grimace at certain photos of myself,
am not extremely sensitive to people's opinion of me,
wonder if my significant other might want another,
get annoyed by my own actions and reactions,
have anxiety about what i'm (not) doing with my life,
find myself inexplicably depressed
want to be all alone

because happines isn't an emotion,
it's just what i am
it cannot be altered by a passing thought.

"She's Come Undone"

Just finished Wally Lamb's masterpiece "She's Come Undone" for the second time since I was fifteen or sixteen years old. It has touched me in places I've forgotten and that are pretty painful to revisit. The optimism and positivity that ends this book is more powerful to me than I remember it being. I've gotten so much more out of this than I did then, but that's not to say that it didn't deeply affect me as a teenager because it did.

Anyway, the title of the book always signified doom and gloom to me until this reading. The whole book is about all these terrible experiences that Dolores Price (the protagonist) goes though and yet the ending is so uplifting. I can relate more than I understand.

The title is misleading . . .

" 'Undone,' I write in the journal- stare at the words, turn it over. Jack Speight undid me, then I almost undid myself. But I've undone some of the bad, too, some of the damage. With help. With luck and love . . ."(page 463)

And then Mr. Pucci's last revelation:

"People waste their happiness - that's what makes me sad. Everyone's so scared to be happy." (page 456)

I find myself afraid of happiness all the time. I feel bad about enjoying myself. I feel guilty about being selfish. I feel guilty for being really happy. I sometimes create my own drama and difficulty. I'm afraid of stability. I'm learning though. I'm becoming undone.

Positivity.

Full

My boyfriend is always telling me how refreshing it is that I eat. Like it's something unique that not many women do. It makes me happy that he likes how I stuff my face around him. He thinks having an appetite is sexy. He thinks watching me eat is sexy. It's hot to him. He likes it. He thinks I'm sexy.

Who'd have ever thought the bigger girl, the chubby girl, the "fat" girl would be such a turn on?

He's always hungry and eats more than anyone I know . . .and he's skinnier than anyone I know. It's refreshing to be around him.

He's not the first guy who has thought eating was good, that I was good, that they thought I was fine the way I am . . .but he actually LIKES it.

He likes that I don't really care about my body being perfect, but at the same time, I'm healthy. I workout. I try not to eat too horribly. I care about being healthy, not about being skinny.

I tell him I'd rather be 10-20 pounds overweight, happy and showing signs of having indulged in good food and a good life than be super skinny and starved . . .

I'm full.

I'm full of a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. But, I'm full.

"You don't have to be all little and petite to be beautiful," he says. And I'm not, but I am.

I will always remember his words and tell girls (and my future daughter down the road) about what he thinks when they ask about attracting a boy. I'll tell them what it's about. About being happy in their own skin. About not living up to some ridiculous ideal of beauty that floats around like an airborne sickness.

Yes, I'm full.