"She's Come Undone"

Just finished Wally Lamb's masterpiece "She's Come Undone" for the second time since I was fifteen or sixteen years old. It has touched me in places I've forgotten and that are pretty painful to revisit. The optimism and positivity that ends this book is more powerful to me than I remember it being. I've gotten so much more out of this than I did then, but that's not to say that it didn't deeply affect me as a teenager because it did.

Anyway, the title of the book always signified doom and gloom to me until this reading. The whole book is about all these terrible experiences that Dolores Price (the protagonist) goes though and yet the ending is so uplifting. I can relate more than I understand.

The title is misleading . . .

" 'Undone,' I write in the journal- stare at the words, turn it over. Jack Speight undid me, then I almost undid myself. But I've undone some of the bad, too, some of the damage. With help. With luck and love . . ."(page 463)

And then Mr. Pucci's last revelation:

"People waste their happiness - that's what makes me sad. Everyone's so scared to be happy." (page 456)

I find myself afraid of happiness all the time. I feel bad about enjoying myself. I feel guilty about being selfish. I feel guilty for being really happy. I sometimes create my own drama and difficulty. I'm afraid of stability. I'm learning though. I'm becoming undone.

Positivity.

Full

My boyfriend is always telling me how refreshing it is that I eat. Like it's something unique that not many women do. It makes me happy that he likes how I stuff my face around him. He thinks having an appetite is sexy. He thinks watching me eat is sexy. It's hot to him. He likes it. He thinks I'm sexy.

Who'd have ever thought the bigger girl, the chubby girl, the "fat" girl would be such a turn on?

He's always hungry and eats more than anyone I know . . .and he's skinnier than anyone I know. It's refreshing to be around him.

He's not the first guy who has thought eating was good, that I was good, that they thought I was fine the way I am . . .but he actually LIKES it.

He likes that I don't really care about my body being perfect, but at the same time, I'm healthy. I workout. I try not to eat too horribly. I care about being healthy, not about being skinny.

I tell him I'd rather be 10-20 pounds overweight, happy and showing signs of having indulged in good food and a good life than be super skinny and starved . . .

I'm full.

I'm full of a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. But, I'm full.

"You don't have to be all little and petite to be beautiful," he says. And I'm not, but I am.

I will always remember his words and tell girls (and my future daughter down the road) about what he thinks when they ask about attracting a boy. I'll tell them what it's about. About being happy in their own skin. About not living up to some ridiculous ideal of beauty that floats around like an airborne sickness.

Yes, I'm full.

24

I can't sleep. I fell asleep watching earlier "Sideways" tonight and now I can't return to sleep. It sucks.

So I have been thinking about life a lot since I turned a year older a couple of days ago. 24 feels womanly. It feels whole. Complete. Old, but nice. 23 was a GREAT age, but 24 is feeling pretty sweet, too.

I wanted to write some deep, philosophical essay right now, but I'm re-reading She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb again and it's calling me right now.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Getting older

I'm sitting here with acne cream smeared across my itchy, breakout-prone skin and thinking . . .

My mother turned 50 a few days ago and told me that she hasn't had her period since January. I couldn't find a joke in it except to say, "Aw, no more little brothers or sisters." To which she smiled and laughed. No, no more. She is getting older.

I notice the squinting lines around her eyes and the frown marks on her forehead that won 't go away. When did all of this happen? Her mortality is forcing a previously undiscovered grossly unselfish side of me to emerge. I want to be nice. I want to enjoy.

And me, I'll be 24 in a few days. Nowhere where I thought I'd be at this age and yet somehow I never thought I'd be anywhere. My body's changing, too. My hands seem more weathered. My body more like a woman . . .eagerly anticipating the motherhood that awaits somewhere in between "not for a very long time" and "being a youngish mom."

I found a gray hair, definitely not my first, but not any less alarming. I stared at the gray root that grew into black. I stared for a good minute or so at the lonely hair in my hand and realized time goes by. This hair follicule will never grow my natural black hair again.

And I've had acne since I was 14 or 15. Nearly a decade I've dealt with it. A sign of youth, but my mother still breaks out. Hormones, they say. It's strange, looking at the Mom Mirror.

When I got my first period, she was closing in on her baby-making years. She's finished her last period and I'm closing in on the baby-making years.

The timing is timeless. It happens all the time.

And twice today, women named Adrienne were mothers. Once on a soap and once in a book . . .right when I was thinking of one day becoming a mom. Weird timing.

There's no way to end this entry except to say I hope I don't get a pimple this weekend! It's going to be very high-profile one for me. I turn 24 on Sunday! :)

Sex and the City sucked.

(This is essentially what I would like to do to the producers of this movie.)

There's no easy way to put it. I feel like I've been had. The movie Sex and the City sucked. The television series didn't suck, but the movie absolutely sucked.

What happened to the real, intelligent, and genuinely FUNNY writing? What happened to the fucking storylines, for goodness sakes? This movie was just AWFUL. Like an insult to the viewers intelligence kind of awful.

Where do I even begin? Oh, I know. With Carrie and Big.

How UNCHARACTERISTIC and RIDICULOUS was it that Big started having such HUGE doubts after Miranda's comment? We did see him a little stressed prior, but how can her comment really affect him that much? This is BIG we're talking about. I liked the expansion of his internal dialogue, specifically him in the car on the way to the wedding, but it was more like too little, too late.

And maybe Carrie WANTED that big wedding? I know she was being "swayed" by her friends about a big wedding . . .and was she "losing" herself? Do we ever know what really happened?

As I'm writing this, I realize the reason why I don't feel so complete and good after seeing it? Where's the nice little bow that ties all the stories together? Where is her article? What is going on? "Finding love . . ." but I thought she was writing a book on what to do with love once you've already found it? I am so confused!

Anyway, so moving on. CHARLOTTE AND HARRY. So boring. So nothing. So dumb. So minor. So uninteresting. So fucking random.

STEVE AND MIRANDA. Oh, my. WHY DO WE NEVER KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP? Okay, Miranda is stressed out, short on time, blahblahblah. It's such bullshit. I'd like to see more of what happened between them than a brief dinner scene at the beginning of the movie. What a sloppy storyline.

SAMANTHA AND SMITH. Okay, a tad bit more believable and true to SATC. Probably the most realistic storyline. OH. What about Samantha crying when Carrie tried on the Vivienne Westwood gown? HAHAHAHA. So fake and out of character.

All in all, I think the movie was thrown together hastily and sloppily. Very poor writing. Kinda shitty acting. So disappointing that I had to write about it.

Now I'm off to bed and waking up early to make a 50th birthday breakfast for my Mom tomorrow morning!

Joy and happiness

When other people find comfort and happiness in my writing, or even a "hmmmmm" as a result of something I've said, it makes me feel good. Joy. Contentment.

I have finally been PAID for my writing and I feel joy. Contentment. Happiness.

I've seen my name "in print" online, but never on a page I can hold in my hand, but not printed by me. Published in the old fashioned way, if you will. I want that.

So I know which road(s) I must follow. Easier said than done. But I've done this much so far, the rest should be easy.

"GIRL, YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"

So I am like a bundle of nervous energy right now. I have no clue why. It's pretty ridiculous. I am worried about being a good person, worried about time and just about EVERYTHING. I don't know what's going on.

Why do I care so much about everyone's opinion of me? Why is being a "good person" so important to me?

-I'm thinking should I sacrifice the plans I already have in order to work at the Club because they need people? One girl I work with said it's "obnoxious" not to work it. Well, this is a busy weekend for me, so technically I can't. What do I do?

-Yesterday at the gym, one of the instructors was looking at my arms jiggle during some punches I was doing. I SWEAR SHE DOES BECAUSE SHE MADE A COMMENT ABOUT GETTING TIGHTER ARMS BEFORE! It pisses me off. But I caught myself looking at someone else's unfortunate body mishap later in the day and I think they noticed and now I feel SO ROTTEN about it. Ugh. :(

-So this woman I work with is the talk of everyone. They are all saying shit about her not doing her job well and blahblahblah. It pissed me off until I witnessed firsthand how she did things differently. The smart thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut, but I made an offhand comment to one of my other co-workers about how the lady didn't seem to even CARE that she did little things differently, and now she's telling our manager. WHAT THE FUCK?! So now I'm a tattletale. I don't even know why I said anything . . .I wish it could be some altrustic "for-the-greater-good" shit, but I think it's personal because I'm new and still doing things wrong, so I wanted to feel better about everything or something. And to tell you the truth, I despise gossipy-behind-the-back talk and guess what? I'm sooooooo guilty of it. I do it ALL the time. I'm just, like, so disgusted with my OWN actions.

I know, it's pretty stupid that I'm being so self-conscious. I just don't know what the hell my problem is lately. I need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! I need YOGA and quiet meditation or else I might lose my head.

Another scar . . .

The other morning lying in bed with The Boyfriend, I was telling the story of the scars I have, mainly physical (but we all know they're psychological as well), as he listened. He likes my body. I've heard it before, but there's so much wrong with it. Here's a list for all to read:

- I have stretch marks on my upper inner thighs, ass, hips, breasts and upper arms.
- I have cellulite on my legs and ass. Total cottage cheese.
- I have scars around my belly button from allergic reactions to nickle in belt buckles that I wear. (My skin is EXTREMELY sensitive.)
- I have many acne scars on my face.
- I have bike accident scars on the right side of my face.
- I have a scar from stitches on my left eyebrow.
- I have calluses on my toes and the insides of my hands. (Strange, I know. The Boyfriend affectionately referred to them as "Workers Hands" and it made me really self-conscious.)
- I have fat legs.
- I have dry skin.

I could go on and on. I need to love my body thoroughly before I can accept the love of it by another. It's something I've been working on for so long and I think I'm there and then . . .

this. It's stupid I know. As wonderful the compliments I've received about my body are, I still can't help but be reminded of all the mean things that people have said to me, including and perhaps especially ex-lovers. Sometimes I wish I could just escape it somehow.

The vulnerability I suffer from my body is nothing compared to the other vulnerabilities I have made myself vulnerable to with this new other human being I'm becoming vulnerable to and it's scary as hell.

Sometimes I feel so damaged and raw that I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and a new scar . . .just as the other ones have began to heal.

On Finding a Job and Stuff

The economy sucks. I've got bills for days. I've got to put gas in my car. And I don't want to get a real job just to pay for these things.

I just finished looking on employment websites for a job and it all makes me sick. Every ad I saw made me want to throw up because they were all things I just don't want to do.

I. just. don't. want. to. do. it.

I'm not proud of this stubbornness or this broke-ness I've experienced as a result of said stubbornness . . .not at all. I just physically, mentally and emotionally CAN'T DO IT.

I try not to beat myself up over it, but it's hard when I'm going to be 24 in a couple of weeks and you still, for the most part, have no set career path. I'm open to getting a good music job with the Club and I'm open to getting a staff writing position. I'm just so damn confused.

I have a part-time day job that I don't hate, but it's such BS and is NO WAY a career. It's a small, friendly office and I do pretty basic things, but my brain is not being challenged at all. To be honest, it's a tad bit insulting to my intelligence when someone has to pretty much remind me of how to alphabetize something.

I don't even want to move out in DC. Sometimes I do, but why would I put up with a shitty job just for the sake of living downtown? I know me. I know I'll be a bad employee and I know I'll be complaining about my job to everyone I encounter. I don't know if I can do that again.

I'm STRONGLY considering grad school. Like, it's probably going to happen. Scary as hell, but it's something I know I have to do. It's something I feel extremely compelled to do. It's something I want to do. I've had this plan for years, but now, finally, two years after graduating from college, I'm going to get serious about it.

It annoys me when people ask me what I want to do. When people think I lack direction. When people think I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing.

I'm so much more than my career choice.

Shit, is everyone as depressed over money and as broke as I am?

I've always said politics matter, but they don't directly affect my everyday life. WRONG! GEORGE W. BUSH SUCKS! THANKS FOR AFFECTING MY EVERY DAY LIFE DECISIONS WITH YOUR EVIL OIL TYCOON WAYS AND LACK OF CONCERN FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE! Way to fucking go!

I'm back!

So after over two months I've decided to start posting again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed my little break from the blog, but I miss it. Terribly. The new blog just wasn't doing it for me and there is something to be said about writing under a pseudonym and being able to really say what you feel. The mask definitely helps with honesty.

I am still going to maintain the other blog, but more for professional writing purposes. You can still check it out on the "Annabelle Loves" section of this blog.

On to other things . . .

I miss my friends.

I feel a bit out of touch with my friends. For the past month I've been extremely busy with work and my new boyfriend. Yesterday I got really upset thinking about how no has invited me to do anything lately. I have a girl's night next week to see the SATC movie, but other than that, I don't know when I will see anyone. My birthday is coming up and I hate to be all in touch with people and have them think it's just so I can have them celebrate with me. I just feel like a shitty friend sometimes. I'm a very social person and am generally pretty dependent and energized by my friendships, so without my girls, I feel a bit odd.

I always start feeling like this around my birthday. I start questioning myself and my relationships. That's just what happens.

Anyway, I'm off to shower and organize my desk a little bit. Talk soon.

L<3ve.>

It's been a grand time . . .

Hi beautiful people,

I think it's time for me to move on. I've enjoyed the past seven months blogging about who knows what. This started out as something completely different and I'm so thankful for the journey. I'm in such a different place than I was back then today that I believe I need start fresh completely.

Also, as I get serious about my future and career as a writer, I've got to take it more seriously and become, gasp, professional. As such, I'm going to get rid of this blog.

Fear not, I have another one that focuses on my writing and opinions: www.adriennechristina.wordpress.com.

Check me out there. It's been lovely.

Love.
A

Unemployment Rocks!

Doing More with Less:

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=34682

I read this article last week and found it extremely entertaining. While I don't agree with all of the author's views, I believe it still makes some valid points. And I'm all for, what the author deemed, "creative loafing." As long as you don't neglect responsibility.

FYI

Prescription drugs have been found in drinking water:

Story Highlights
- Investigation finds pharmaceuticals in drinking water of 41 million Americans
- Concentrations are minute; utilities say water is safe
- Low-level drug combinations found to impact human cells, wildlife
- Bottlers, some of who repackage tap water, do not typically treat, test for drugs


Interesting!

The Sims 2

i just finished playing The Sims 2 for about four hours. i once wrote a philosophical essay in college about The Sims 2. i have been playing since high school and i go through periods of time where i play it often and enjoy it.

oh yeah, speaking of writing, check out this article that i wrote for suite101.com: http://hair-care.suite101.com/article.cfm/relaxers

nuts, i'm a published writer now! i'm so motivated to query my ass off to get more of my writing out there. it feels so good to be doing something that i love. it doesn't feel like work.

oh yeah, and i've been talking about McDonalds for a few days with various people so i caved in and ate some today. i normally try to stay away, but i fucking love McDonalds fries. i got filet o'fish meal. so good. it was so worth it.

i saw The Hives at 930 Club last night and it was sweet. my best friends came with and we had a good time, even though neither of them really knew anything about the band. i love those girls so much!

i'm super tired. i'm going to go put some acne cream my face and pass out. then tomorrow i'll do all the shit i didn't get to today.

pro-Hillary

okay, so I'm coming out. a few people already know, but I'm coming out all the way right now because I feel the need to speak up at this point. i am pro-Hillary. i voted for her in the primary election for Maryland. there, i said it. god, that feels so much better.

yesterday morning, i turned on msnbc and was surprised and, even more surprising to me than being surprised, DELIGHTED to see that Hilary had won texas and ohio. i am really happy for her latest victory because i had given up. it seemed as though obama was going to get the remaining delegates and the nomination. in an interview before tuesday's primiaries, hillary said that she would not give up until the end. she said she would keep campaigning until June if she had to. okay, it seemed a bit silly, but the interviewer said something that caught me. it made me believe that she absolutely is doing it for the people, not for herself. he said (and i'm paraphrasing since i don't remember exactly):

"i think she is going to keep going because she truly doesn't have confidence in Obama's ability to be President."

he didn't say that she wants it "so bad" that she won't give up. it's not really about her . . .it's bigger. it's about what's best for the country. and this was before the primaries on tuesday, so I basically thought "man, we're going to be missing out on a great leader." she is ruthless, determined, passionate and confident . . .and i also agree with her views. she is who i believe in. if these things make her a bitch, so fucking what. (maybe i am, too.) she didn't give up and she WON ohio and texas. no one saw it coming. are people finally realizing they've been a bit to hard on her?
people are having "buyer's remorse" with Obama. i've talked to a few people who are going through it. they're questioning why they voted for him and what he really is going to do. we all know he has a lot of motivating, inspiring and uplifting things to say ("YES, WE CAN!"), but how does he intend on executing these lofty ideas? i am ALL for idealism, but i believe you need to have a solid plan and, sorry, experience before you can be my next president. you don't always have time to give speeches during a time of crisis.

and i don't dislike Obama or his supporters. i like that so many people have gotten behind a black man for president. it shows that, yes, in some ways we are post-racial in America (but there are still some limiations that i don't dare go into right now in this blog). that makes me happy.

and then there's the media forcing me to question my race and sex when it comes to who i support. why am i not completely behind Obama, who is black like me. why am i not pulling behind him more? is it BECAUSE he's black? do i not have faith in a black man running our country? maybe i'm more female than i am black and that's why i'm voting for Hillary?

and since i'm college educated, i'm supposed to be for Obama. kinda ironic, that LOGICALLY, you should be more inclined to vote for Hillary because LOGICALLY she would be the best choice. because, you know, us college educated folks are supposed to be smart.

the point is, i believe in Hillary. always have, always will. i tried to jump on the Obama bandwagon and months ago, when his campaign was speeding up, i watched him speak and i just didn't get it. i saw Oprah's endorsement of him and just didn't get it. i still don't get it. i would be happy to see a black president and i will be sad if Obama doesn't win, but i don't think he's our guy. not this time. not now.

and don't even get me started on McCain and who will be able to win against him. hands down, Hillary is our girl.

Nothin' much goin' on . . .

Today was such a good day. Just thought I'd put that out there. It's been a long time since I could thoroughly say that. I feel like there's a lot of bitching and complaining done in this blog, so I'm putting some positive energy out there.

Just breathe. Just believe.

WTF

So, I've decided to volunteer somewhere. Why is it so hard to do so? I've been searching for an event to help with and it's way harder than I imagined. I have to apply, contact various people and do other things. You'd think I could just show up, right? Who'd have thought it would be that hard to help people? Well, it's not going to stop me, that's for sure. I've gone through greater hoops for a pair of jeans.

I wish they'd make it easier for someone who has decided to help others. No wonder people don't volunteer more.

FYI

Updates on my life . . .

1.) I no longer work at the gym. It just wasn't working out and I could never commit to it for one year. Technically I was "let go," but it was because I told her I couldn't do full-time anymore and then she said part-time wouldn't work AND I wasn't excelling at the job. Ouch, way to put that excelling part in there. It kind of stings, but I know it's true. And the sad part is, I didn't even really try.

2.) I am sick with the flu. No fun, but I'm enjoying this time of rest in bed. It's maddening to not be able to even sit up for more than 15 minutes, but this affords me to sleep and think about my next move in life.

3.) NYC is heavy on my mind again. I need to save more money before I can make the move, but I am thinking I need to just do it. I need to get my shit together.

4.) I am focusing on writing because it makes me happy and I'm realizing I can't really do anything else. I've tried everything, but I do not think I will find happiness working for anyone but myself and doing what I love and enjoy. It just isn't working out any other way.

That's all for now. I'm trying to get better so that I can go to work at 930 tonight. I am so sick of the drive. I'm also sick of some of the people, too. BLEH!

"You haven't really changed at all."

I didn't fit in with my "core friends" from high school. We didn't have that much in common intellectually, emotionally, mentally, or physically, but we were all friends. I'm still best friends with one of the girls, but I have lost contact with the others.

Now we're 23, one of us has THREE children (she just recently had twins!), two of us are married (the one with three kids and one other one) and two of us have no fucking clue what we're doing anymore (me and my bff) and we totally don't talk to one of the other girls.

I worked all day yesterday at the gym, as well as all night until 2:30am at 930 the night before, so I was exhausted. I even had to change in my car before we met up because I had no time to go home in between work and dinner, so I felt a little self-conscious. I'm a much more confident person in general than when I was friends with them in high school, but it was the first day of my period, so life is kind of out of whack anyway for me.

It was great seeing them all and being able to gossip about other people (just as we know we gossip about each other still) and compare stories of woe . . . which were reserved for me and my best friend who are similar places in our lives (still searching for the right man, career and life). The other girls are happy, or at least they're not the type to say they aren't. They're both married and stable. It's beautiful for them, but I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me.

We went to the bookstore after dinner because I wanted to pick up some books. Once we were there, the girls just talked and talked, while I looked around for books. I had no interest in anything they were talking about and HELLO! I'm in a bookstore, I'm not going to sit around and gossip about so and so. I'm going to look for . . .books. So, I realize maybe I'm being rude and go back to join them, although I have no true desire. I'm feeling blah and to be honest, I would have rather been at home in bed.

I thought I was being fake going to the dinner since I really didn't want to go, but I did want to support and catch up with my friend who had twins. One of the other girls irritated me to no end in HS and she still does (I'm not even going to go there), but I'm still glad I went.

On the drive home, I called my best friend and we're talking about how it wasn't as awkward as we thought it would be. I then said that the Irritating Girl hasn't changed AT ALL, even though she's married now. My friend agreed and then I said, "I mean, none of us have really changed all that much, but we've grown up." And my friend said, "You definitely haven't changed." And then she said she herself has changed a lot and asked if I agreed. I kind of shimmied around the answer.

I mean, change is such a contextual and often specifically appropriate thing to comment on when it comes to people. Do we ever really change at our core?

In the context of my core friends from high school, no, I haven't changed. I still feel awkward and I still feel as though we have nothing in common. That's why I've lost contact with those girls. I realized I'm completely different than them and that's okay. I'm not beating myself up over not being like them because, as screwed up as I am, I like being like myself. I don't know if I liked myself back in the day, and that's how I've changed. I've accepted how they are and more importantly, I've accepted myself.

And that's the correct change, in my opinion.

wake up, unravel

the Israel that i never knew
much more than myself
upon the lips i’ve never kissed
but imagine so well

the time i have spent
obsessing about my life
and the pestering superficialities
that cause me such strife

decisions making me
instead of the other way around
so many possibilities
cause me to shut down

i found myself in the Backbar
my 23 year old face in my hand
dreamily contemplating
the unraveling of my life plan

i once pulled the ball of yarn
with the naïveté of bliss
and kept dropping the string
because of lack of focus

i’m so over it all
mainly the lack of stability
the not-knowing is worn out

do i have the ability
to let go of the dream
of the me i was supposed to be
in the place i thought i’d be
when everything is piling against me?

but i inexplicably visualize
the sleeping lips
that i never kissed
and the feeling of his hands on my hips
still in my head

in an imperative whisper
i should have said:
"wake up, silly"

but i smiled instead