Depressed.

I knew when I walked away from corporate security in September 2007 that the road ahead of me would be difficult and unpredictable. I've tried countless other day jobs since then and have felt no better than before. I've tried NYC again and, presumably, failed. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I am just so tired.

I feel shallow and conflicted because I want to be making a lot more money. I NEED to be making a lot more money. As it is, I can't even afford the minimalist lifestyle I'm already living. I thought I'd have my shit together by 24. I thought I'd be independent and happy.

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't like hearing other success stories of friends and co-workers. I'm insanely jealous of people with independence and money.

So what did I do? I trusted in this elusive concept of doing what I love and feeling happy, but it's leaving me feeling so behind, so alone and so sad. So remorseful. So lost.

I don't know how I'm even going to cover my bills I already have. It's maddening and scary.

I got another writing gig which is going to get my name out there. Whether or not I'll be making any money is another story. I hope so. I'm still trying to get more writing gigs. I'm still trying to get my name out there.

I just want my own space. I want to have a job. I want to do my own grocery shopping again. I want to feel capable. I want to feel like an adult.

I know I've been bitching and complaining on this blog for the past year almost. It's strayed so much from what I wanted it to be, but it's still about me figuring out life. It's still about me figuring out who I am and , more oftentimes, who I am not.

I have a long couple of days with Inauguration and such. Let's go OBAMA! Exciting time. :)

'Till next time . . .

A

Writing and Me

Writing makes me happy. I'm good at it and I love doing it. I want to be a writer. Sure, I wanted to be a rock star too, but I've always wanted to write. I wanted to publish my own magazine. I want to write books. I want to write op-ed pieces. I don't want to work for anyone. I want to get my shit out there. That's what I want. That's what I live for.

But why is it that when given the opportunity, I'd rather watch bad reality television? I don't get it. This line of work is NOT easy because you have to do EVERYTHING. The time you spend actually writing is very little. Most of your time is spent trying to acquire writing gigs.

I really want to be in NYC. I just don't get why I didn't land this last job after two successful interviews. I have not gotten a solid "no" yet, but I heard the position was already filled. I sent an e-mail to HR and they said it is still open. I just don't get it. But the truth is, I would be using this job as a stepping stone to NYC and other things. Networking mostly. But I want it. I want NYC. I want young, motivated, trendy, fun people. I want it all.

So today I'm writing a little bit. I also plan on working out a little. Watching a little more bad reality tv.

Until next time . . .

No NYC

So, I haven't been "denied" the job in NYC yet, but my friend that works there said they've hired someone. Technically there were two open positions, but I don't see either position listed on the website. The HR person told me a few weeks ago (after I heard the position had been filled) that they have NOT hired someone. What gives? I guess I'm moving on.

I really wish I had enough money to support myself and to move out on my own. I really want to branch out and start my life as an adult. I feel stifled. I feel behind.

I'm trying to get my writing out there and it's working, but of course not fast enough and it takes A LOT of work. I just feel like I do all this work and have nothing to show for it. I am not happy just simply working to live. It depresses me. I want to LOVE my job so much that it doesn't feel like work and I want to be paid enough to live on my own, support myself and have extra money left over to spend on things I need and want. Is that too much to ask?

Bleh. Just bleh. I'm dealing with it, but I'm making myself crazy. I can't relax without thinking I should be doing something.

As such, today is no thinking about work or my future day. I'm just going to rest, eat, relax and get my mind off of that stuff. There's always tomorrow for worrying.

Have a great Sunday.

A