Wednesday, December 31, 2008

So, this time last year was a pretty rough time for me. Also, since it was so bad, 2008 seemed as if it would be full of new beginnings and miracles. Well, it was. Since 2008 was so awesome, I find myself being apprehensive about 2009. Like, will it live up to 2008? 2008 flew by faster than I could ever imagine, but it was full of such growth and positivity, I just wish I could have enjoyed it even more.

My resolutions for last year are as follows:

-become completely financially independent (Nope.)

-finish and publish my first novel (LOL . . .no way, but I did manage to get published on the Internet.)

-find real love (Yes! I did!)-travel to at least one place outside of the US (No.)

-follow my dreams (Sorta . . .I interviewed for a job in NYC, but have yet to be offered a position. Should I wait? No idea.)

-become a little more physically fit (and lose the obligatory 10 pounds) (Let's just say, I actually GAINED 10 pounds.)

-be true to myself (I think I have been, for the most part. Not completely.)

-get rid of some debt (Yes! But I acquired some, too!)

So what did I learn? I learned A LOT about love and relationships. Mainly, how to be in one and how to love someone. It's been pretty exciting and tough. I am finally in a mature relationship with someone I love dearly. This is all so new to me, but I know I deserve it and I'm working on it everyday.

I learned how to take control of things better. I learned how to communicate better. I learned not everyone has bad intentions. I learned that some people are truly good. I learned positivity is very important. I learned not to commit to something just for the money.

Also, most importantly, I've discovered that some things in life are off the menu. You can't plan everything. For instance, look at my resolutions from last year, did I accomplish them all? Not even close. But am I SO happy and was it an UNBELIEVABLE year? Abso-fucking-lutely. :) Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

In 2009, I want to work on balance. Balancing "me" time with life time. Taking time out to work out more, something I truly enjoy doing and feeling. I want to balance being happy with making money. I just need more balance in so many areas of my life.

I want to do at least one of the following:

-Get an awesome, fun, fulfilling and VERY-WELL PAYING job.
-Go back to grad school for writing!
-Have excellent credit.
-Perform one gig singing! (Get back in touch with my creativity.)
-Move out of my mama's house.
-Win the lottery.

Other things:
I want to continue my beautiful relationship with my boyfriend. I want to continue to grow with him.
I want to be more positive and freak out less.
I want to continue being happy. :)

Here's to 2009!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Ebs and Flows of Money and Graduation

I've been out of college for almost three years. Two and a half, really. Anyway, I realized that I was broke for the first 3-4 months after graduation. Then I got a well-paying job I despised for about 8 months and made loads of money. Afterwards, I am broke again. I've been broke for the past year and change. Most of my friends, who have either decided by this time to go grad school or get married are broke too. We're all in the same boat. It's depressing. I don't even have a career or grad school to show for my brokeassness.

Bleh. Just thinking about this while I work for $10/hr at a temp job that requires me to sit on my ass and answer phones.

I am so unfulfilled. This can't last. :(

Also, you know how if you keep thinking about something, it'll happen. Sort of like a self-fulfilling prohecy? Yeah. I need to stop thinking negatively. POSTIVE THINKING ONLY! :)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I have $10 in my bank account.

There, I admitted it. I am broke as a fucking joke. I have $10 in my bank account. I feel worthless, sad, and helpless. There's really nothing I can do. I'm working as much as I can. I don't get paid until next Friday, so basically, it is what it is. Accordingly, I'm planning on spending lots of time holed up at home doing nothing. What else can I do? I think I'll also use this time to work out and get in shape. Clean up a little. Maybe write? Who knows. But basically, I will be doing nothing involved money.

My monitor to my laptop broke. Someone stepped on it over Thanksgiving holiday. Now I have a monitor I'm borrowing from my mom since there's NO WAY I can afford another Mac. I have the Powerbook G4 that I've had for three and a half years. I was planning on just getting another battery and uploading Mac OS XI Jaguar, but now it may not even be worth it. Oh well . . .

OH yeah, this probably deserves it's own post altogether, but the other night I was in a very agitated mood at dinner with my boyfriend. I had just finished working at a company I'm temping for during the holidays and afterwards I sat in the car for an hour and a half to get to where he lives. I was being so bitchy. I was bitchy for so many reasons but oddly I came out and said:

"I"m jealous of you because you can stay thin and eat whatever you want and I have to watch what I eat and I still gain weight!"

Yes, I told my boyfriend that I'm jealous of him because he is very skinny and I can't even button up pants I fit into fine last year. I haven't been working out at all, really. I've been eating fries, pizza, sweets and stuff, which is usually something I try to cut back on. Basically, I've began to let myself go and I wanted to blame someone or something. I'm ridiculous sometimes.

So I'm feeling shitty and he says he has a surprise after dinner. Turns out he had some pictures made of some pics he took of me over our summer vacation to his family's lake house. He said he needed pictures of me. He wanted to have some. I realized how much he loves me. It made me in a WAY better mood. I felt like such an idiot being so ridiculous.

That guy is made of love. Why am I worried about 5 or 10 pounds and the money in my bank account? I've got him.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

4-minutes to blog

So I have to go walk our dog in 4 minutes (3 minutes now), but I wanted to research some more jobs before I left. Then I got discouraged because no jobs I find seem appealing around here. The one job I want right now is in NYC and I haven't heard back about it yet, so all I have to do is wait, wait, wait. Very frustrating.

I know I was put on this Earth for some reason. I know I have my family and friends that I love and may make a difference to and for. I know I can be the kind stranger who smiles and helps someone to (hopefully) have a pleasant day. I know I can be the sweet and thoughtful lover to my boy and what not. but . . .

I know I can be more, too. I know I can make a difference in the whole world. I know I can make a good living. I know I can be financially independent and stable with a HAPPY, FULFILLING, DREAM JOB!

I just wish it were all so easy.

So that's what I'll leave you with today. Gotta go walk this dog.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fertile Land

an ex-ex-flame
of the unrequited nature
keeps burning into my reality
much to my dismay

to escape this dismay
i dive into the heat
and think that maybe
it can teach me a thing or two

(about making right decisions
and sticktoitivenessd. . .minus me)

we had fun and i cried
i burned for someone
who couldn't even light for me

so as the blaze simmers down
i wave goodbye to her
i knew her well, but he's long gone
the fire gave way to
fertile land