Thursday, May 21, 2009

What do I truly want?

Torn. I'm so torn. What is it that I truly want from life, myself and my future? I've always wanted to have a job (preferably writing) that I love and to live in NYC while I'm young. I've tried SO many times and I'm not prepared to give up, but sometimes I wonder WHY. I wonder if it is what I truly want? Because I almost had it and then I let it go because it was too hard and I was too broke and too tired.

I am happy in almost every way except professionally here. I love my family, friends and my boyfriend. I don't want to leave any of them, but at the same time, I know that I need to make a change. Life is short. I need to go for my dreams.

Theoretically, it shouldn't matter WHERE I am to make my dreams reality. I can stick around a little bit more, but I want the feeling I have when I wake up in the middle of the night and have no idea where my life is going to stop.

I've sacrificed a lot for this elusive feeling of something being missing. Will it ever be stopped? Will I ever feel as though I have it all?

I'm not talking about celebrity. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about something much deeper. Something deeper. Will it be found in NYC or with the perfect job? I don't know. I just know I have this urge and I don't know what to do about it.

What is it? What do I truly want? What will make me truly happy?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Getting better . . .

My boyfriend teaches me so much. He teaches me how to be a good friend, how to love, how to not jump to conclusions and how to have patience. I love him a lot.

It's never too late to become better.

Everyday I think I'm getting closer to something.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Almost 25

here i sit
with the computer in front of me
searching for the answers
without the slightest clue how
to get where i want to be
i piss off everyone
i'm never good enough
i dwell on the negative
and that's just me

some people have it easy
but i'm not one of those
manifest as best i can
only to be sorrowfully

is this what i want?
a second ago it was
now that i don't have it
i'm convinced i never did
i'm no poet
i'm not a great writer
don't have the patience for much
but i want it all

i wanna be great
i wanna be fabulous
i want to have it together
but all i keep getting is
torn apart

i'm happy, i think
lots of reasons to be
but somehow, someway
i still feel incomplete . . .

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Predictably, I have, of course, not moved forward with the new blog direction. I've been so busy and reconsidering everything altogether. With the blog, that is . . .

I like my new internship/assistantship in book publishing. I'm learning so much and it feels fun and easy to me. It's such a great feeling to be making money (however little) doing something I actually enjoy. I am going to apply to book publishing jobs in NYC in a few months. I've applied to a few literary agent jobs yesterday and haven't heard back yet. Whatevs.

At this point, I wish I could say I had a set plan pertaining to what I want to do with my life. The truth is I'm just having fun and trying new things. It isn't easy, but I feel like I don't have the option to be unhappy. I kind of made a promise to myself that I'll never let myself feel defeated and helpless if I can help it . . . and usually I can. That's what life is about.

I need to stop talking shit about people and thinking the world is against me. I'm constantly on the defensive and it's hard to keep that act up. I don't know what is with me lately. Maybe it's the Pill, maybe it's stress and maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know.

In other news, I want to not give a shit about the scale. It sucks. I need to get to a place where I don't care. I think I don't and then I do. The up and down is enough to drive a sane girl mad. And aren't we all a little mad?