What do I truly want?

Torn. I'm so torn. What is it that I truly want from life, myself and my future? I've always wanted to have a job (preferably writing) that I love and to live in NYC while I'm young. I've tried SO many times and I'm not prepared to give up, but sometimes I wonder WHY. I wonder if it is what I truly want? Because I almost had it and then I let it go because it was too hard and I was too broke and too tired.

I am happy in almost every way except professionally here. I love my family, friends and my boyfriend. I don't want to leave any of them, but at the same time, I know that I need to make a change. Life is short. I need to go for my dreams.

Theoretically, it shouldn't matter WHERE I am to make my dreams reality. I can stick around a little bit more, but I want the feeling I have when I wake up in the middle of the night and have no idea where my life is going to stop.

I've sacrificed a lot for this elusive feeling of something being missing. Will it ever be stopped? Will I ever feel as though I have it all?

I'm not talking about celebrity. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about something much deeper. Something deeper. Will it be found in NYC or with the perfect job? I don't know. I just know I have this urge and I don't know what to do about it.

What is it? What do I truly want? What will make me truly happy?

Getting better . . .

My boyfriend teaches me so much. He teaches me how to be a good friend, how to love, how to not jump to conclusions and how to have patience. I love him a lot.

It's never too late to become better.

Everyday I think I'm getting closer to something.

Almost 25

here i sit
with the computer in front of me
searching for the answers
without the slightest clue how
to get where i want to be
i piss off everyone
i'm never good enough
i dwell on the negative
and that's just me

some people have it easy
but i'm not one of those
manifest as best i can
only to be sorrowfully
disappointed

is this what i want?
a second ago it was
now that i don't have it
i'm convinced i never did
i'm no poet
i'm not a great writer
don't have the patience for much
but i want it all

i wanna be great
i wanna be fabulous
glamourous
i want to have it together
but all i keep getting is
torn apart

i'm happy, i think
lots of reasons to be
but somehow, someway
i still feel incomplete . . .

Updates

Predictably, I have, of course, not moved forward with the new blog direction. I've been so busy and reconsidering everything altogether. With the blog, that is . . .

I like my new internship/assistantship in book publishing. I'm learning so much and it feels fun and easy to me. It's such a great feeling to be making money (however little) doing something I actually enjoy. I am going to apply to book publishing jobs in NYC in a few months. I've applied to a few literary agent jobs yesterday and haven't heard back yet. Whatevs.

At this point, I wish I could say I had a set plan pertaining to what I want to do with my life. The truth is I'm just having fun and trying new things. It isn't easy, but I feel like I don't have the option to be unhappy. I kind of made a promise to myself that I'll never let myself feel defeated and helpless if I can help it . . . and usually I can. That's what life is about.

I need to stop talking shit about people and thinking the world is against me. I'm constantly on the defensive and it's hard to keep that act up. I don't know what is with me lately. Maybe it's the Pill, maybe it's stress and maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know.

In other news, I want to not give a shit about the scale. It sucks. I need to get to a place where I don't care. I think I don't and then I do. The up and down is enough to drive a sane girl mad. And aren't we all a little mad?

State of the Blog

Dear faithful readers,

It's been far too long since I've written about this blog. It's such a hot mess! I guess it's following suit with my life, huh? My life has changed a lot since I started this blog and so have my career goals. I'm still in this weird space in my life and am eagerly looking forward to finally settling down.

As I've wrote about numerous times, my dream is to start my own SUCCESSFUL digital magazine one day. I started this blog with the hopes of it being a motivation for me and giving me exposure to this world, but I haven't kept it up too well.

This all being said, I want to start anew, but I have really liked some of the stuff I put on here. I don't want to delete EVERYTHING from the past year and a half, but I know some of this stuff doesn't need to be here.

So, I've decided to revamp the blog and make it more of a magazine style that's accessible to everyone. Keep your eye out in the next week or so to see the new look/feel.

Love,
A

Let me just get through this week!

I'm broke. Duh. What else is new? I am still looking for a job. I'm focusing on applying for grad school, but right now I'm waiting to hear back from NYU. I can't even afford to pay the application fees for all these school, so now I have to do it slooooooooowly.

I feel like shit. I feel fat. I don't want to do anything. I'm so exhausted. I just want to be alone.

On a positive note, the beautiful late March sun is in full force! That makes me happy. I can't wait for warmer weather. :)

That's all for now. Have a good day.

South Beach Diet

I did the South Beach diet when I was 19 and didn't really lose any weight, but I burned belly fat. It was awesome. I also lost 13 pounds doing Weight Watchers almost two years ago, but I've somehow gained it back.

I got in awesome shape by working out at the gym I no longer can afford. Also, it's like 20 minutes away and that was annoying. I miss going to a gym.

Basically, I'm at a lost. WHat should I do to lose this extra weight? I wanna lose 20 pounds in 3 months.

Not feeling well.

Been fighting the flu (or what I hope is the flu) for a few days. I feel shitty. Also, my period is late. Shit. We'll see what's going on. I mean, what if I do get pregnant? What if I AM pregnant? Women do this every day. Teenagers do this and they survive. There's so much I wanna do with my life and a kid would make it harder. But I vow to be the type of mom who never gives up on her dreams and takes her kid along for the ride.

That being said, I also hate scales. I hate weighing myself. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and exercised healthily without making thing so difficult.

Blah.

It seems that every March/April I start to think about how much I weigh again. I got on a scale and it was considerably more than I thought. Especially since I've been cutting back on food a lot in the past two months or so. I haven't been working out as regularly, so maybe that's why the scale isn't making me super happy right now. Whatever!

I love spring. I love that it's getting warmer and the days are longer. It makes me happy.

Also, I want to stop writing for Suite101. I don't really enjoy it. I just like having my name out there and being able to say, "I write for a website." Lame, I know.

I have nothing more to report. I'm going to watch tv and lie down for a bit before going for a run.

Peace out.

Nothing to lose.

Chance Casino


I don't know what keeps me trying and trying. I will never give up. Despite the fact that I've gotten my heart broken with rejection ONCE doing this same thing, I am here again.

I guess it's like love. I got my heart broken so many times by boys and yet just when I gave up completely, something wonderful came along. Or rather, someone . . .

So anyway, here I am again. What the hell am I doing? What have I got to lose besides a little time and $75? I'm trying not to get attached. I will assume it's not going to happen to avoid another heartbreak. It would be far worse if I didn't try at all, I think.

Thought I learned my lesson not to tell people about it, but I have. Stupid. But I'm like an open book. What have I got to hide?

Maybe it'll be better during Spring . . .

But right now, I have the undying compulsion to just run away. Where? I don't know. I'm a slave to my car note at this point. I'm just working to pay for my car and student loan debt. This is not good.

So, I'm thinking about just sticking with this job I'm temping for until I pay off some debt and save $4000 to just get the hell out of here. It'll probably be when this fall when I'm 25, but it's better than indefinitely, right?

Time goes by so fast.

PS- I woke up this morning with a comment on an article I wrote and it was positive. Just when I feel like giving up . . .these awesome things happen.

Commitmentphobia

Over the past year and a half, my thoughts on how I'm going to make a living for myself has thought about numerous things, but I have yet to commit to a damn thing except indecision. It's time for me to just pick something and, dare I say, stick with it:

Going to graduate school to study:
- library science (called a school and tried to get all the necessary materials. contacted an old professor who told me to schedule a meeting. then didn't do it.)
- nonfiction writing (went to an informational session in Baltimore for Johns Hopkins)


Going to law school
- Did some research. Realized it wasn't a passion and I didn't want to go through with it. Big surprise.

Music job in NYC.

- I was so close. So, so close. You know the story. I should probably feel more heartbroken and angry. I don't know.

Freelance writer.

- I go back and fourth on this one. I love writing and want to write and make a living, but I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I purchased all the books. Did all the research. Even sent out a query. I am published on the Net. People read my shit. I guess I help people. I just can't seem to make a steady income doing so.


Just getting any old job that doesn't want to make me kill myself and saving $$ for NYC.

- I actually did this a few months after I graduated. Didn't save enough. Didn't move to NYC. Started working at 930 Club though and had a blast.

Selling an idea I have online and making enough $$ to do what I want.

- I think it's a "get rich quick" scheme. I got inspired after reading "The 4-Hour Workweek". Still debating about it. I just don't know.


There you have it. My top indecisions.

First official rejection . . .

I'm used to being rejected. After being rejected most of your childhood for being fat, smart, and generally different from your peers, you realize that acceptance is sorta bullshit. Like, of course I identified with and internalized everything I was rejected for being, but I also knew it was unfair and, frankly, stupid. I realized that the basis for rejection doesn't always have anything to do with you. You can't take it personally.

So I got my first official rejection for an idea I pitched to Seventeen magazine. I sent my query a couple of weeks ago and was expecting to not hear ANYTHING back, but I just received an official rejection letter and it made me feel good because someone actually read what I wrote. Granted, they were probably a poor intern, but still. Someone is listening! And it is encouraging!

A lot of writers I admire have been rejected numerous times before they've been accepted and I feel as though I'm in good company. My big break will happen. I just have to keep at it. Now I will query more and more.

AWESOME!

I have gotten another e-mail from someone who liked an article I wrote almost a year ago about Obama. She wants to use it in her classes that she teaches on race. Stuff like that makes me happy. At least my stuff is getting out there.

Money will follow . . .haha.

Parallel Universe

"I wonder
somewhere
in my subconscious,
when I'm thinking about myself,
about me
in a parallel universe
just maybe
would i think
about me
in a parallel universe?"


I am reading a book my co-worked lent me called, "A History of the Universe". It's a book about the universe according to the British television show about time travel called "Doctor Who". It's awesome.

Anyway, I'm fascinated by the concept of a parallel universe. There are so many mysteries in this world and we know about .04984349489498494898% about life. There is so much more out there. Apparently, events can be different in parallel worlds, but they all started the same. It's just different choices we've made.

"In 1954, a young Princeton University doctoral candidate named Hugh Everett III came up with a radical idea: That there exist parallel universes, exactly like our ­universe. These universes are all related to ours; indeed, they branch off from ours, and our universe is branched off of others. Within these parallel universes, our wars have had different outcomes than the ones we know. Species that are extinct in our universe have evolved and adapted in others. In other universes, we humans may have become extinct."

We've all thought about a parallel universe in some capacity. Such as what would have happened if you had gone to that college? What would have happened if you continued dating that guy? What if you had reacted differently? What if your mom hadn't gone out that night and met your dad? What would her parallel universe have been like?

It's fascinating, really. But, alas, it's meaningless because this parallel universe is the only one that matters right now.

Maybe it just takes me longer.

I was working at a dismal temp job yesterday and thanking the Lord that it wasn't a permanent placement. As lowly and judged I sometimes feel working at a company for short stints doing mind-numbing work, I am so glad to still have my freedom! Waking up and realizing that tonight I get to work at an awesome place with awesome people (even if I get sick of the commute and the late nights) made me happy. I don't have to go into an office and sit at a cubicle without sunlight all day!

It got me thinking. It took me a little longer to find an AWESOME relationship with an AWESOME guy. Maybe it's just going to take me longer to find my career path. I know I'll get there one day. I can't beat myself up over it because there's no point.

True, I want to be making more money. True, I thought it'd be on my own financially by now, but you know what? It's okay. I'll get there.

So my new motto? Relax. Just try my best. Take it easy.

"Don't forget to have a good time." - Ani DiFranco

Decisions, decisions

I don't feel like writing right now. I woke up early today for no good reason. Well, I had a good reason, but then I couldn't get back to sleep.

One positive aspect of waking up so early, I managed to finish reading "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Capote. I liked it. Charming, short and sweet . . .like the best things in life, I guess. We've all known a Holly Golightly. The book made me reminiscent of NYC (I'm as sick of mentioning NYC as you of reading about it!) and springtime. I've never seen the movie, but I'm thinking about it now. The book is so progressive and somewhat shocking, even now. I enjoyed it.

When I complain and rant to people, I'm not always asking for advice. In fact, I don't like getting advice from a majority of people ESPECIALLY ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR WRITING. Both of which I feel as though I am well versed and more knowledgeable on the subjects that most I talk to. Call me stuck up and arrogant if you want.

Firstly, I once lost 40+ pounds on my own by eating less and exercising more. I know how to do it. I am just lazy sometimes. Unless I explicitly ask for advice, just let me complain about my fat ass without you telling me what not to eat or how much more I should lose. It's rude.

Secondly, writing is a sore subject for me. I've been dealing with it my whole entire life. I have pursued and I am aware of most avenues to take. Hell, I majored in the subject in college. I have a BA in English Language and Literature. I may not know a lot about life or how to like and keep a job, but I know about writing. When I rant, please don't tell me to get a job working at a local newspaper. Thanks.

I am severely PMSing right now and the only things I want around me are chocolate and sunshine. My boyfriend, too.

Depressed.

I knew when I walked away from corporate security in September 2007 that the road ahead of me would be difficult and unpredictable. I've tried countless other day jobs since then and have felt no better than before. I've tried NYC again and, presumably, failed. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I am just so tired.

I feel shallow and conflicted because I want to be making a lot more money. I NEED to be making a lot more money. As it is, I can't even afford the minimalist lifestyle I'm already living. I thought I'd have my shit together by 24. I thought I'd be independent and happy.

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't like hearing other success stories of friends and co-workers. I'm insanely jealous of people with independence and money.

So what did I do? I trusted in this elusive concept of doing what I love and feeling happy, but it's leaving me feeling so behind, so alone and so sad. So remorseful. So lost.

I don't know how I'm even going to cover my bills I already have. It's maddening and scary.

I got another writing gig which is going to get my name out there. Whether or not I'll be making any money is another story. I hope so. I'm still trying to get more writing gigs. I'm still trying to get my name out there.

I just want my own space. I want to have a job. I want to do my own grocery shopping again. I want to feel capable. I want to feel like an adult.

I know I've been bitching and complaining on this blog for the past year almost. It's strayed so much from what I wanted it to be, but it's still about me figuring out life. It's still about me figuring out who I am and , more oftentimes, who I am not.

I have a long couple of days with Inauguration and such. Let's go OBAMA! Exciting time. :)

'Till next time . . .

A

Writing and Me

Writing makes me happy. I'm good at it and I love doing it. I want to be a writer. Sure, I wanted to be a rock star too, but I've always wanted to write. I wanted to publish my own magazine. I want to write books. I want to write op-ed pieces. I don't want to work for anyone. I want to get my shit out there. That's what I want. That's what I live for.

But why is it that when given the opportunity, I'd rather watch bad reality television? I don't get it. This line of work is NOT easy because you have to do EVERYTHING. The time you spend actually writing is very little. Most of your time is spent trying to acquire writing gigs.

I really want to be in NYC. I just don't get why I didn't land this last job after two successful interviews. I have not gotten a solid "no" yet, but I heard the position was already filled. I sent an e-mail to HR and they said it is still open. I just don't get it. But the truth is, I would be using this job as a stepping stone to NYC and other things. Networking mostly. But I want it. I want NYC. I want young, motivated, trendy, fun people. I want it all.

So today I'm writing a little bit. I also plan on working out a little. Watching a little more bad reality tv.

Until next time . . .

No NYC

So, I haven't been "denied" the job in NYC yet, but my friend that works there said they've hired someone. Technically there were two open positions, but I don't see either position listed on the website. The HR person told me a few weeks ago (after I heard the position had been filled) that they have NOT hired someone. What gives? I guess I'm moving on.

I really wish I had enough money to support myself and to move out on my own. I really want to branch out and start my life as an adult. I feel stifled. I feel behind.

I'm trying to get my writing out there and it's working, but of course not fast enough and it takes A LOT of work. I just feel like I do all this work and have nothing to show for it. I am not happy just simply working to live. It depresses me. I want to LOVE my job so much that it doesn't feel like work and I want to be paid enough to live on my own, support myself and have extra money left over to spend on things I need and want. Is that too much to ask?

Bleh. Just bleh. I'm dealing with it, but I'm making myself crazy. I can't relax without thinking I should be doing something.

As such, today is no thinking about work or my future day. I'm just going to rest, eat, relax and get my mind off of that stuff. There's always tomorrow for worrying.

Have a great Sunday.

A