I knew when I walked away from corporate security in September 2007 that the road ahead of me would be difficult and unpredictable. I've tried countless other day jobs since then and have felt no better than before. I've tried NYC again and, presumably, failed. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I am just so tired.
I feel shallow and conflicted because I want to be making a lot more money. I NEED to be making a lot more money. As it is, I can't even afford the minimalist lifestyle I'm already living. I thought I'd have my shit together by 24. I thought I'd be independent and happy.
I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't like hearing other success stories of friends and co-workers. I'm insanely jealous of people with independence and money.
So what did I do? I trusted in this elusive concept of doing what I love and feeling happy, but it's leaving me feeling so behind, so alone and so sad. So remorseful. So lost.
I don't know how I'm even going to cover my bills I already have. It's maddening and scary.
I got another writing gig which is going to get my name out there. Whether or not I'll be making any money is another story. I hope so. I'm still trying to get more writing gigs. I'm still trying to get my name out there.
I just want my own space. I want to have a job. I want to do my own grocery shopping again. I want to feel capable. I want to feel like an adult.
I know I've been bitching and complaining on this blog for the past year almost. It's strayed so much from what I wanted it to be, but it's still about me figuring out life. It's still about me figuring out who I am and , more oftentimes, who I am not.
I have a long couple of days with Inauguration and such. Let's go OBAMA! Exciting time. :)
'Till next time . . .