WTF

So, I've decided to volunteer somewhere. Why is it so hard to do so? I've been searching for an event to help with and it's way harder than I imagined. I have to apply, contact various people and do other things. You'd think I could just show up, right? Who'd have thought it would be that hard to help people? Well, it's not going to stop me, that's for sure. I've gone through greater hoops for a pair of jeans.

I wish they'd make it easier for someone who has decided to help others. No wonder people don't volunteer more.

FYI

Updates on my life . . .

1.) I no longer work at the gym. It just wasn't working out and I could never commit to it for one year. Technically I was "let go," but it was because I told her I couldn't do full-time anymore and then she said part-time wouldn't work AND I wasn't excelling at the job. Ouch, way to put that excelling part in there. It kind of stings, but I know it's true. And the sad part is, I didn't even really try.

2.) I am sick with the flu. No fun, but I'm enjoying this time of rest in bed. It's maddening to not be able to even sit up for more than 15 minutes, but this affords me to sleep and think about my next move in life.

3.) NYC is heavy on my mind again. I need to save more money before I can make the move, but I am thinking I need to just do it. I need to get my shit together.

4.) I am focusing on writing because it makes me happy and I'm realizing I can't really do anything else. I've tried everything, but I do not think I will find happiness working for anyone but myself and doing what I love and enjoy. It just isn't working out any other way.

That's all for now. I'm trying to get better so that I can go to work at 930 tonight. I am so sick of the drive. I'm also sick of some of the people, too. BLEH!

"You haven't really changed at all."

I didn't fit in with my "core friends" from high school. We didn't have that much in common intellectually, emotionally, mentally, or physically, but we were all friends. I'm still best friends with one of the girls, but I have lost contact with the others.

Now we're 23, one of us has THREE children (she just recently had twins!), two of us are married (the one with three kids and one other one) and two of us have no fucking clue what we're doing anymore (me and my bff) and we totally don't talk to one of the other girls.

I worked all day yesterday at the gym, as well as all night until 2:30am at 930 the night before, so I was exhausted. I even had to change in my car before we met up because I had no time to go home in between work and dinner, so I felt a little self-conscious. I'm a much more confident person in general than when I was friends with them in high school, but it was the first day of my period, so life is kind of out of whack anyway for me.

It was great seeing them all and being able to gossip about other people (just as we know we gossip about each other still) and compare stories of woe . . . which were reserved for me and my best friend who are similar places in our lives (still searching for the right man, career and life). The other girls are happy, or at least they're not the type to say they aren't. They're both married and stable. It's beautiful for them, but I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me.

We went to the bookstore after dinner because I wanted to pick up some books. Once we were there, the girls just talked and talked, while I looked around for books. I had no interest in anything they were talking about and HELLO! I'm in a bookstore, I'm not going to sit around and gossip about so and so. I'm going to look for . . .books. So, I realize maybe I'm being rude and go back to join them, although I have no true desire. I'm feeling blah and to be honest, I would have rather been at home in bed.

I thought I was being fake going to the dinner since I really didn't want to go, but I did want to support and catch up with my friend who had twins. One of the other girls irritated me to no end in HS and she still does (I'm not even going to go there), but I'm still glad I went.

On the drive home, I called my best friend and we're talking about how it wasn't as awkward as we thought it would be. I then said that the Irritating Girl hasn't changed AT ALL, even though she's married now. My friend agreed and then I said, "I mean, none of us have really changed all that much, but we've grown up." And my friend said, "You definitely haven't changed." And then she said she herself has changed a lot and asked if I agreed. I kind of shimmied around the answer.

I mean, change is such a contextual and often specifically appropriate thing to comment on when it comes to people. Do we ever really change at our core?

In the context of my core friends from high school, no, I haven't changed. I still feel awkward and I still feel as though we have nothing in common. That's why I've lost contact with those girls. I realized I'm completely different than them and that's okay. I'm not beating myself up over not being like them because, as screwed up as I am, I like being like myself. I don't know if I liked myself back in the day, and that's how I've changed. I've accepted how they are and more importantly, I've accepted myself.

And that's the correct change, in my opinion.

wake up, unravel

the Israel that i never knew
much more than myself
upon the lips i’ve never kissed
but imagine so well

the time i have spent
obsessing about my life
and the pestering superficialities
that cause me such strife

decisions making me
instead of the other way around
so many possibilities
cause me to shut down

i found myself in the Backbar
my 23 year old face in my hand
dreamily contemplating
the unraveling of my life plan

i once pulled the ball of yarn
with the naïveté of bliss
and kept dropping the string
because of lack of focus

i’m so over it all
mainly the lack of stability
the not-knowing is worn out

do i have the ability
to let go of the dream
of the me i was supposed to be
in the place i thought i’d be
when everything is piling against me?

but i inexplicably visualize
the sleeping lips
that i never kissed
and the feeling of his hands on my hips
still in my head

in an imperative whisper
i should have said:
"wake up, silly"

but i smiled instead

Confidence

Today one of my co-workers at my new job said I don't seem like I'm confident during the warm-up for the kids and that if I don't feel confident in myself, no one else will trust me. She's right, but also, I don't really know what I'm doing, nor do I even want to do it. Hence why I might seem unconfident.

And then this evening I went bowling with some of my 930 club coworkers and I HATE bowling because I'm not good at it, it's boring to me, and I think it's an awkward thing to do. So, anyway, I'm so fucking awkward and apparently one of my coworkers jokingly said I don't believe in myself when I bowl so that's why I suck. So, I believed and then I bowled a strike! YAY! It was pretty amazing, but then it all went away. And I stopped believing. But did my disbelief contribute to the consequent sucking or did my consequent sucking cause me not to believe anymore?

I'm not a very confident person. Optimistic? Usually, although you'd never guess it from my blog entries. A feeling of self-worth? Absolutely. But confident? No, I'm not.

Why not?

Well, as I've stated before, I don't really think I'm that good at a lot of things. That in itself wouldn't cause me to classify myself as unconfident. It would mean that I am realistic, I think. "Good" is so relative and according to my high standards, I don't believe I'm that good at most things.

Perhaps it all goes back to the fact that I was made fun of for a plethora of reasons during my childhood and adolescent years. I don't know how I could be a confident adult with people being so damn mean to me for so long. I blocked a lot of it out, but I still carry those judgements in my head. They're still there in my subconscious and I don't know what to do.

I think I've ruined relationships, friendships and even myself in a lot of ways with my lack of confidence. I just wish there was a way to get it back. I try to fake it, but then it catches up unexpectedly.

It's good to be confident. It's bad to be arrogant, full of yourself and unrealistic, but it's probably healthier than the opposite.

If only I could find some confidence somehow . . .but I'd probably be bad at it.

What do you do?

"So, what do you do?"

I fucking hate how that is like the first question people ask you. Your job does not make you, but somehow it does. People categorize you by the work that you do. I feel like it may just be a DC thing, but maybe it's just any metropolitan area. Everyone is preoccupied with careers. I think it's very unhealthy and bizarre.

I run into it all the time now that I'm an adult. While working at 930 Club, people are CONSTANTLY asking me what "else" I do. "I now you just don't work here," they say. I sometimes answer with "I'm in between jobs right now" or "Still trying to figure it out" which prompts them to wince. I know what they're thinking because I've thought it, too. There's no way to make someone stop talking to you and literally walk away from you faster than to answer their question with: "This is my only job."

I have learned to stop caring what other people think about what I do for a living because I know there is SO MUCH MORE going on with me right now than Mr. Joe Accountant's or Ms. Jill Awesome Freelance Photographer's opinion of my career choices thus far. I even got propositioned by a "big shot" man who was enchanted with me and knew someone who writes for Rolling Stone. Who the fuck cares? The eighteen year old Music Industry major I used to be might have cared at one point, but the jaded, skeptical twenty-three year old me can see right through it for the bullshit it really is.

Now, the hard part for me is determining HOW I'm going to make a living. I still haven't figured it out yet and I'm about to quit ANOTHER job. God, it's so embarrassing how unstable I am. :\ I wish someone could tell me the answers.

FYI

I wish somehow I could get $10,000. I wouldn't even use it for frivolous things. I need it.

Stupid Cupid

Happy Valentine's Day to my single girls and relationship girls! Love what you got! ♥

My New Job

I'm so apprehensive about things. I reeeeeeeally hated my first full-time job. It was traumatizing how horrible I felt there. Not to mention my manager and I really didn't get along. I've been thinking about one of the last things she said to me before I left. When I was leaving, she said something about one of my references being the selling point in me getting the job. How fucking rude and passive-aggressive of her. I have ROCKED every other job I had, but I HATED working for her and the company. The job wasn't what I expected or what it was presented to be. I was at fault, too, I guess. I was disillusioned and found myself being really lazy after awhile. I could go on and on, but I'm not going to put that out there. I think it's ridiculous that she'd hire me just because of one reference. Obviously she was just mad and embarrassed because she chose me and it didn't work out, so she decided to put it all on me. I quit and I sucked at the job, but it's not for lack of intelligence or ability . . .it's for lack of interest in playing the role. Yes, I sound bitter and maybe I am, but I also don't care about that job that much. It's hard for me to even remember anything about it.

That experience scarred and scared me. I never again want to work for corporate America or work behind a computer and deal with office politics. That's why I'm not.

This new full-time, salaried job is NOTHING like that other job, but I am still apprehensive. I'm still second-guessing everything. I have a shield up. I'm more than confident I can do the job, but I'm still nervous. I don't want to ever feel trapped again. I don't ever want to feel incompetent. I don't ever want to hate my job again.

And after the first day, I'm not in love, but I'm not in hate. I'm adjusting. I'm learning. I'm optimistic.

FYI

I have a new item on my wish list! I want to get Invisalign to close my open bite and push back from front teeth. I am a tongue thruster (not in a good way) and I'm working on that habit, but now I need to fix the damage that has already been done.

I was told I needed braces when I was 22. Up until then no dentist ever referred me to an orthodontist. In fact, when I was a pre-teen I wanted braces and constantly asked my dentist if I needed them. It was mostly because all of my friends had braces and I had to be like everyone else so I thought, "Pleasepleaseplease tell me I need braces!" I was reassured by my dentist each time that no, I did not need them. My teeth were beautiful. UGH!

People have noticed my slightly bucked teeth as I got older. Enough comments have been made that it makes me self-conscious now.

Last year, I finally went to an orthadontist for a consultation after a new dentist finally(!) recommended me. I was broke, so there was no way I could even AFFORD braces, but I went anyway. The orthadonist was angry that I had never been referred to an ortho before and then he suggested braces, to which I said: "No." He got really pissed with me, but I just couldn't see myself with braces at 22. Hello, I have enough strikes against me physically, how in the hell am I supposed to add another one with braces? No thanks.

Now, I am sure that when I get enough money, I'm getting Invisalign. It's invisible for the most part and aside from the annoyance of taking them out and brushing my teeth each time I eat, it seems perfect for me. I am thinking about Invisalign all the time. I research it all the time. It's my new wish. I have to have it.

The Great Political Post

(Has anyone noticed the sexual tension between Obama and Clinton?)

I have been thinking up this post for quite some time. I have been hesitant to voice my opinion on the Democratic primary candidates for various reasons, one of which was the fact that I just wasn't entirely sure who I was going to vote for. I have been avoiding the Obama campaign because he just wasn't doing it for me and a lot of his supporters are generally annoyingly overzealous. Not to mention, they all feel a the need to personally attack Clinton instead of arguing against her policies, although said views are very similar to Obama's anyway. For these reasons, I was resisting the Obama bandwagon.

Well, ladies (and gents?), I have come to understand the other side. There are several reasons why I now think that Obama would be the better choice. I am still not anti-HIlary. In fact, I think she is very competent and would be able run our country quite well.

But, we need something new and different.

If it's not working, you've got to fix it. Right now in our country, we're in a crisis, we're at a crossroads. We've got to change a great deal of things.

I am still torn, though.

I don't know if Obama can hold is own against McCain. I think there is a strong chance that McCain will win the vote, so now it's a matter of who can win against McCain. I personally think Clinton would be able to hold her own against McCain considerably better than Obama, but Clinton is so damn polarizing . . .but so is Obama for some Americans. Ugh. See what I mean?

My indecision is so frustrating. Tomorrow when I go into the voting booth, who knows who I will vote for. But one thing is for certain . . .I will be voting!

FYI: On Positivity

I deleted my entry from yesterday morning. I guess I was just freaking out initially about the one year thing because I wasn't expecting it. It goes against all of my plans, but I know if I turn down this opportunity I will regret it. The stability and responsibility I was yearning for may come from this experience. There's nothing bad in that.

This job is kind of answering my prayers. I said I didn't want another office job and I'm sticking to it. I just can't do it. It's not for me. I said I wanted to work with kids somehow. I like working out. I like being silly. This job is all of that.

I'm making money doing things I love and I don't think it gets much better than that when choosing a career path.

Over coffee with a friend yesterday, I realized that I may not be in NYC, but I sure like where I am right now. I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm happy with my decisions. I'm headed in the right direction.

I like Oprah. I don't think she's nearly as evil as everyone makes her out to be and I think I'll do a post about that sometime. On her show yesterday, some life coach said the following and it really resonated with me:

"Love life because life loves you back."

I agree. And those who get annoyed with my positivity and don't understand my decisions, that's fine. Take your negativity and doubt somewhere else.

Jill of all trades, master of some?

Focus

I heard that people go through six careers in their lifetime. Six! It's comforting, but it's also scary. Careers are so important because that's our livelihood and how we spend a significant amount of our days, but I don't want to be defined by mine and I know it will never be the sole purpose of my life. That being said, I also want one that I don't absolutely dread and hate. I've been told that once you have a family of your own, priorities change and suddenly you can stand to have a job you hate if it means making money to support your loved ones. Holy shit, I have so much growing to do before I'm at the point where I can be selfless enough to have a shitty job.

Today I interviewed with a temp agency. I've temped a couple of times in my life and have yet to have a really positive experience doing so. I thought once I graduated from college, I'd be saved from mundane, pointless office work. I guess I was wrong.

And going through the motions and taking the stupid tests at the temp office, I realized that I still haven't a clue what I could do for the rest of my life. It seems like I'm always changing my mind, leaving some place or idea and falling for the same fucking traps over and over again. I generally HATE office work. I hate the politics, I hate the dress code, I hate sitting in front of a computer all day.

Sure, I'd like to do this writing thing, but I need to make a living and eventually become financially independent, you know. There are some days when all I have to do is focus on my writing and I can't decide if I want to write a fiction novel, a non-fiction book, freelance, write a screenplay or what. I'm so fucking depressed that I can't even concentrate on anything.

I wish I was really good at something . . like expertly great. I wish I could excel at something . . . even something small. I wish I was flexible enough to be an amazing yogi. I wish I was a true artist. I wish I could play the guitar or piano like a pro. I wish I know the secret on how to keep a boy interested (and vice versa) for more than a couple of months. I wish I was really super, super cool. Like fashionable, life of the party cool. I wish I was a girl who people thought had it together. I wish I was neat and organized. I wish I could just focus on something.

I am good at some things. I'm good at leaving. I'm good at changing my mind. I'm good at not staying in one place for too long. I'm good at fooling people. I'm good at "woe-is-me." I'm good at freaking out over things. I guess I should just focus on the positives, huh?

But I wasn't always like this. I was a Type A kid. I was always in accelerated classes. I was in a math club (yes, I used to be GOOD at math) where I was the only girl and minority. I was Captain of the Safety Patrols. I wrote and directed my first play at the age of 10. I wrote a novel when I was a teenager. I started numerous newsletters. I won lots of awards. But something happened to me. Somehow I become unglued and disillusioned. Somewhere I stopped being the best at things. I settled for mediocre. I stopped caring.

I'd like to know what happened to me, but I really can't think that long enough about one thing before my brain starts to wander. I just know I can't go on like this forever. I've had so many breakdowns about life and what I'm doing with mine. I'm exhausted. I just want to figure it out.

Peace and Love

Hi guys,

Boy, do I need a change of scenery, of life, and of everything. I hate always leaving places and never being able to stay still for too long, but I just need to get away. When things aren't working out, I've got to change something. I've tried and tried to make it work, but it just isn't. I am not entirely happy right now. When will this ever present discontent ever end with me? SERIOUSLY!

I have decided to stop watching TV for awhile. I am also giving up celebrity gossip blogs for one week. It can be done! It will be ROUGH, but I think I can do it. So starting right now, no more until next Sunday. (Britney Spears is in the hospital now, so hopefully nothing exciting happens with her. Not that anything she does is ever exciting anymore anyway, but you know what I mean.)

And I am also going to stop gossiping about people in real life. I know that us girls naturally do so, but it's so empty and pointless. I used to do that shit, but I've grown out of it . . .I thought. But sometimes I get thrown back into the mix. It has to stop and it's stopping now.

I need to sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in awhile. I've been waking up feeling groggy and out of it. Not a good look. I also emotionally feel drained when I don't sleep. And I feel ugly. And I end up eating a lot, so then I feel fat.

Did I mention I'm severely sexually frustrated? AND THE ONE GUY . . . yeah, he isn't feeling it. How depressing. Story of my life.

So now I'm off to shower and finish "The Other Boleyn Girl" finally. Then hopefully I will nap. I worked out for two hours today and I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow I have another job interview and I find out about the children's gym instructor position on Tuesday. And I have to plot my interview for the staffing agency in NYC, too.

Things are finally picking up for me and I'm even more confused about it all now.

♥,
A

Torn.

So, I just had my second interview to be a children's gym instructor at a new gym in Rockville. It sounds very fun, different, and exciting. The only problem is that it's not temporary.

I have an interview with a temp agency Monday. The ONLY pro is that it's TEMPORARY and will make the transition to NYC a lot easier.

What should I do?

I haven't gotten a job offer for the gym yet, so we'll see how that goes. I'm not putting my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I really need to have another job to save money and pay my pills. 9:30 Club alone ain't cutting it.

Anyway, it's cold and rainy. All I wanna do is read in bed and sleep. Maybe I'll hit up the gym later. Who knows.

Have a good weekend, everybody!