Monday, February 4, 2008

Jill of all trades, master of some?

Focus by Thierry Vasseur

I heard that people go through six careers in their lifetime. Six! It's comforting, but it's also scary. Careers are so important because that's our livelihood and how we spend a significant amount of our days, but I don't want to be defined by mine and I know it will never be the sole purpose of my life. That being said, I also want one that I don't absolutely dread and hate. I've been told that once you have a family of your own, priorities change and suddenly you can stand to have a job you hate if it means making money to support your loved ones. Holy shit, I have so much growing to do before I'm at the point where I can be selfless enough to have a shitty job.

Today I interviewed with a temp agency. I've temped a couple of times in my life and have yet to have a really positive experience doing so. I thought once I graduated from college, I'd be saved from mundane, pointless office work. I guess I was wrong.

And going through the motions and taking the stupid tests at the temp office, I realized that I still haven't a clue what I could do for the rest of my life. It seems like I'm always changing my mind, leaving some place or idea and falling for the same fucking traps over and over again. I generally HATE office work. I hate the politics, I hate the dress code, I hate sitting in front of a computer all day.

Sure, I'd like to do this writing thing, but I need to make a living and eventually become financially independent, you know. There are some days when all I have to do is focus on my writing and I can't decide if I want to write a fiction novel, a non-fiction book, freelance, write a screenplay or what. I'm so fucking depressed that I can't even concentrate on anything.

I wish I was really good at something . . like expertly great. I wish I could excel at something . . . even something small. I wish I was flexible enough to be an amazing yogi. I wish I was a true artist. I wish I could play the guitar or piano like a pro. I wish I know the secret on how to keep a boy interested (and vice versa) for more than a couple of months. I wish I was really super, super cool. Like fashionable, life of the party cool. I wish I was a girl who people thought had it together. I wish I was neat and organized. I wish I could just focus on something.

I am good at some things. I'm good at leaving. I'm good at changing my mind. I'm good at not staying in one place for too long. I'm good at fooling people. I'm good at "woe-is-me." I'm good at freaking out over things. I guess I should just focus on the positives, huh?

But I wasn't always like this. I was a Type A kid. I was always in accelerated classes. I was in a math club (yes, I used to be GOOD at math) where I was the only girl and minority. I was Captain of the Safety Patrols. I wrote and directed my first play at the age of 10. I wrote a novel when I was a teenager. I started numerous newsletters. I won lots of awards. But something happened to me. Somehow I become unglued and disillusioned. Somewhere I stopped being the best at things. I settled for mediocre. I stopped caring.

I'd like to know what happened to me, but I really can't think that long enough about one thing before my brain starts to wander. I just know I can't go on like this forever. I've had so many breakdowns about life and what I'm doing with mine. I'm exhausted. I just want to figure it out.

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