I'm so apprehensive about things. I reeeeeeeally hated my first full-time job. It was traumatizing how horrible I felt there. Not to mention my manager and I really didn't get along. I've been thinking about one of the last things she said to me before I left. When I was leaving, she said something about one of my references being the selling point in me getting the job. How fucking rude and passive-aggressive of her. I have ROCKED every other job I had, but I HATED working for her and the company. The job wasn't what I expected or what it was presented to be. I was at fault, too, I guess. I was disillusioned and found myself being really lazy after awhile. I could go on and on, but I'm not going to put that out there. I think it's ridiculous that she'd hire me just because of one reference. Obviously she was just mad and embarrassed because she chose me and it didn't work out, so she decided to put it all on me. I quit and I sucked at the job, but it's not for lack of intelligence or ability . . .it's for lack of interest in playing the role. Yes, I sound bitter and maybe I am, but I also don't care about that job that much. It's hard for me to even remember anything about it.
That experience scarred and scared me. I never again want to work for corporate America or work behind a computer and deal with office politics. That's why I'm not.
This new full-time, salaried job is NOTHING like that other job, but I am still apprehensive. I'm still second-guessing everything. I have a shield up. I'm more than confident I can do the job, but I'm still nervous. I don't want to ever feel trapped again. I don't ever want to feel incompetent. I don't ever want to hate my job again.
And after the first day, I'm not in love, but I'm not in hate. I'm adjusting. I'm learning. I'm optimistic.