Distraction

I am going to deal with this the only way I know how . . .

Life is so mysterious. It's a sort of sad day in the life of me today.

Let me start out by saying that I do not believe this is because of one boy or one incident. It would seem foolish and superficial of me to write what has happened to me off as just a reaction to being rejected. The truth of the matter is, I was fooling myself into being interested in someone for lack of anyone else to be interested in. I was attracted to him, but I think that's where it began and ended. I was foolish and this has taught me, once again, that attraction does not make a bond or, obviously, a relationship. For some people, but not me, being physical with someone is reserved for a relationship only. There is no such thing as just hooking up or dating and having fun. That is fine and I'd like to have less superficial relationships with the opposite sex, but alas, I have to take what I can get and give. So far, that has been my experience.

If you're still reading this post, I applaud you. I have gone way off the track from my original aim. This isn't about relationships or my sad song about the lack thereof. This is about my mortality.

I blacked out/passed out this morning for the first time in my life. The causes remain varied and obscure- I had worked out pretty heavily yesterday morning, I didn't eat enough during the day and I drank a couple of drinks on a fairly empty stomach pretty hasitly. I'd been feeling sick all day and out of it for the past couple of days and I guess it all caught up with me in that moment.

That moment is the one where he basically told me it was all in my head and that he wasn't interested in a relationship, or anything it turns out, at all. Wow, how can this be happening to me again under such different circumstances?

And in that moment, I didn't want his love or his arms around me. I wanted . . .I don't know. I wanted some Truth, I guess. but not his truth.

While I was talking to him, the world slowly went to black starting with the right side of my vision, and I initially thought I was just experiencing a blood rush to the head. This was different. This was like I was a computer who's monitor went into sleep mode. Then the sound slowly muted. Reality set in . . . it was like all the rejection I've experienced from an early age hijacked my vision and hearing. I was truly all alone with my thoughts and my voice.

All I kept thinking was: "God, I don't want to die. Not like this. Not with some fucking 30-year-old pothead in his room that had black light posters and who, most importantly, doesn't give a shit about me."

And the pothead told me to breathe and to calm down and I tried. I needed water. I needed to get to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone. I was embarrassed. What a great fucking time for my body to betray me.

I slowly came to while on the floor in his hallway. I looked around. I don't remember seeing him. It was freaky. I finally got to the bathroom and drank the water he got for me and looked in the mirror to see that I had a pimple on my forehead. "Great," I thought. "I'm still alive."

I don't know if I believe in God. I thought about my life during that black time. I thought about my mom and how I couldn't leave her. I thought about my dad, whom is always just out of my reach, and how he's given me the blueprint to go after these way unavailable guys. I thought vaguely about my brothers. I thought vaguely about the little girl I used to nanny for, Clare, who I feel so connected and responsible for. One day I want a little girl just like her.

Then I realized, "Holy shit, Adrienne! You are 23 and you are working at a music night club with these people who are super nice, but super content. You're here for so much more." I realized, like a broken record, I need to move to NYC. I need to do it again for myself. I need to chase after fame. These are things I've always wanted.

Love, of course, I want that, but you can't force it. You can't fake it. I for sure didn't feel any love for this latest guy. Not at all. Nor adoration. No wish to marry him. Nothing of the sort. I think I just wanted his body and attention. So why in the hell did I let him affect me so damn much?

My new plan is to move to NYC for real this time. Try acting, join a band and for real. Be a fabulous singer and that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. Do it the right way, not relying on anyone else for this to happen. This is just what has to be done. I lack stability in my life. I lack direction. I lack a solid plan and these are things that need to change.

Because you never know when life will blackout for good.

And furthermore, love is all around me. Life is too short for a pothead distraction.

I am moving to NYC.

I just had a very scary near death experience and it became clear that I am definitely wasting my time not following my dreams. Definitely.

ANNABELLE'S REVIEWS AND VIEWS: Juno

Damn, he has some nice legs.


I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Juno was a cute movie. It'll make you feel good. It's like Napoleon Dynamite without all the awkwardness.

The acting is great. The dialogue is hilarious. It's as good as all the cool people are saying.

There is, actually, one aspect that's a little awkward, but you can see it for yourself.

Verdict: Movie theater it! (But if you're broke like me, wait for the DVD. There's no crazy special effects that would entice you to see it on the big screen.)

FYI

Marilyn Monroe, Hollywood 1952

Do you exercise regularly?

I came across an article about how much Americans regular exercise, or rather, how many Americans exercise regularly and it turns out that about half of us do. Then I started thinking about people I know who exercise. Then I started thinking about me and how much I exercise and WHY I do so . . .

This really isn't really for your information as much as it's for MY information. I have been exercising fairly regularly since I was a very chubby 15-year-old. I did so because I knew that I didn't want to be "the fat girl" for the rest of my life. I remember the exact day I decided that I would lose weight and be healthy.

I used to be in show choir, a group where you sing and dance on stage, in high school. I LOVED it. Most of the older girls were dancers, so naturally they were thin and pretty. I was one of the youngest girls in the group, so add on the fact that I was chubby and awkward . . . I definitely DIDN'T fit in.

One day our instructor decided to videotape us because our dancing was becoming sloppy. She wanted to show us what we looked like on stage. We watched it and I felt SICK to my stomach. Seeing all that blubber, seeing how out of place I looked . . .I just couldn't believe that that was ME. I just kept thinking, "No wonder I don't have a boyfriend! Who would want to go out with me?" It was like for the first time I was seeing myself how others probably saw me and it broke my heart.

I was excused from class and claimed I was feeling sick (which was true). I went to the nurse and told my mom to come pick me up. Once I got into the car I cried and said: "I am so fat and ugly. I want to sleep forever!" And the truth was- I actually DID want to. With all my being, I wanted to sleep it off. Of course my over-dramatic mama FREAKED out. She said: "Do you know what you're implying? YOU'RE IMPLYING YOU WANT TO DIE!"

I was on suicide watch. I wrote in my journal, I slept and I watched television all day thinking about what I was going to do.

And then I decided I was going to lose weight and I knew I would do it. I just knew it would happen.

I looked in the phone book and searched for a kickboxing class. I got a free trial and loved it, but we found out it was going to cost $400 for a year, so my mom bought me a work out video instead (Kathy Smith: Kickboxing Workout) and I did it 3-4 times a week in my basement and it WORKED. I lost a significant amount of weight.

I made a promise to myself that cold and sunny day in November of my fifteenth year that I'd never be sedentary again. I had to work on my eating habits (and still am working on them to this day), but exercise was so important to me. It helps in every way. I may not be the most muscular Gym Queen in the whole world, but it's not about that for me at all. It's about health and happiness. It's about this being a part of my daily routine and my life forever.

Stop reading and start doing.

Changes

First of all, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I surely did. I'm sad to see the Holidays come to an end, but at the same time, I'm ready for a little normalcy. HAHA. What? Normalcy? What's that?

Remember how this blog used to be? It was less about me and more about my original aim- entertainment mixed with a little betterment. Enlightenment mixed with a little Britney Spears. Basically, it was like "GIRL POWER" in the Spice Girls sense of the expression.

I stepped away from it because I thought it would be better to make this more personal, but I soon discovered that A.) I was less inclined to write without guidelines to follow and B.) Frankly, it's boring to read me ranting all the time. (That's what my LiveJournal and regular journal is for, right?)

So I'm back to the original plan of Annabelle Blue. Well, backish.

Monday- A Novel Idea. A chapter for my novel in progress. (I need to have a little motivation to keep writing.) I'll post it here (very nervously) for you all to read and critique. The name of the novel and other details will likely remain private for my own sanity.

Tuesday- Annabelle Blue's Faves

Wednesday- Celebrities

Thursday- FYI

Friday- Reviews and Views

Saturday/Sunday- Peace and Love

This is just a rough skeleton of the new schedule. Of course I'll change some things, but this is where I think I'm going with this . . . for now. :)

2007

i started the year off
with a job i grew to hate
and pockets that were full
but my heart was empty

and now i'm full
absolutely, positively
i'm where i'm supposed to be
but my bank account is empty
and the bills keep piling
but i'm happy

i kissed four boys
the worst kiss
was with the one
who meant the most
the best
with someone i may
never see again (and that's okay)

i got over a unrequited love with a boy
now i find myself falling for a man
slowly and angrily, but surely

and i'm in love with a woman
named ani
her music touches my soul
i wish i'd discovered her sooner

i'm more the girl i always was
this year
and each day i'm closer
to becoming the woman
i was meant to be

next year
i want to resolute to
-become completely financially independent
-finish and publish my first novel
-find real love
-travel to at least one place outside of the US
-follow my dreams
-become a little more physically fit (and lose the obligatory 10 pounds)
-be true to myself
-get rid of some debt

2008

Major changes . . .

I got to catch up with my friend and former roommate Ellen yesterday. She is an avid reader of my blog and she's made me really think about the layout and format of this thing. I think I want to go back to how it was before . . .but better. Stay tuned. :)

Rufus Wainright has a whiny voice, but his sister is awesome. I had to sit through two of his concerts for the past couple of days. Some of his songs are haunting, but my God, dude has a WHINY voice. Does anyone like him?

Also, just when I give up, this boy gives me hope and it's maddening.

I must go finish getting ready for dinner and a movie (Sweeny Todd, Juno or Walk Hard . . .I'll report back with whichever one we decide to see) with some dear friends.

Until later . . .

HI ELLEN! This post was dedicated to you!

A little bit a' dis, and a little bit a' dat

So, Bobby won Tila Tequila! I knew it! I have yet to see the episode myself, but I'm so excited that he won!

Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister is pregnant! I found out last night from ONTD and I now realize that this obsession I have with that gossip blog is unhealthy. I can't stop checking it all day. Anyway, this is such good stuff. You couldn't make up a better story. Wow.

And have you seen Ashlee Simpson's new video? The song is horrible enough, but the video is such a rip off of Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For?" video. How is this girl even famous? I liked her better with her big nose and chin.

I cannot concentrate on writing. Ugh. I sooo need to, but I keep getting distracted by stuff. Mainly, television, movies, the Internet.

Also, I sometimes feel really shitty and right now is no exception. Like, I know I am PMSing, so I have an excuse and I'm aware that I'm not completely rational during this time of the month, but it sucks. I feel ugly, fat, stupid, and unworthy.

Now I'm off to continue being worthless . . .

The Season of Hedonism

All I wanna do is eat, lay in bed and watch television. I don't feel like even going shopping to spend money. I don't feel like working on my novel. I don't really feel like going to work at the Club at night either. All I wanna do is hang out in my heated house and watch movies.

And I kind of hate going to stores and driving on the roads this time of year. This time last year I was in NYC (or I think I might have been home by now . . .) and utterly DEPRESSED by the commercialism I witnessed there. Christmas did not have a fuzzy feeling because it was all about buying shit and spending money on this and making these sales and marketing and BLEH.

All I need is yummy treats, good friends, family, and warmth to make me feel like it's Christmastime.

Happy Holidays!

Tila Tequila

Please tell me why I care who wins "a shot at love"with Tila Tequila?

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to see the last two episodes before the finale. I don't know how I had those two hours of my life to even watch the show, but I got hooked.

And now I really want to know who "Miss Bisexuality" chooses! The "butch" lesbian Dani or will it be the "typical male" Bobby.

Truth be told, I like Bobby more. Dani just doesn't seem to be into her. Dani might be the "normal" one, but in all honesty, she doesn't act like she really cares about Tila. She seems to be along for the ride and that's it. I can't really blame her for that, but I don't think she should win.

Bobby, on the other hand, really seems to like Tila. I could tell especially when he got all jealous when she spent the night with the other contestants. You could just tell he was actually hurt.

And I love how gender is so unimportant and not the focus of the ultimate characters of these people. I don't even care if it's the "boy" or the the "girl", it all boils down to who will be the best for Tila. I haven't seen the other episodes (I came in when there were only 4 left), so I don't know if she had to eliminate one boy and one girl each time. Did they plan to just have one girl and one boy in the finale? I guess they couldn't possibly just have had two boys or two girls because that would take away the "point" of the show. Oh well . . .

The finale is this week and I can't wait. How pathetic! I hope she chooses Bobby!!!!!!! I think she will.

Me as a "Judgmental Ass"

Why do people suddenly become offensive and hateful when they sit behind a computer?

I fully intended on doing a post about "The Hills" and it's fakeness, but just as I sat down to write, I decided to do one of my multiple times daily check of my favorite celebrity blog "Oh No They Didn't!". There was a post about Ashley Tisdale (from Disney's "High School Musical") getting a nose job and she gave the standard deviated septum defense to justify her decision. She then assured us that she doesn't "believe" in plastic surgery. Okay, this is a ridiculous comment made by her PR person to protect Tisdale's image. She's an inspiration to little girls and as such, she can't go around advocating plastic surgery for obvious reasons. Plastic surgery is just so anti-Hollywood, right? Except, it's so Hollywood. Fake. So empty.

So I posted a comment, not thinking much of it (nor of the grammar or syntax, but that's just how much I wasn't truly thinking about what I was typing):

"These girls who get plastic surgery and stuff are all empty inside. They don't realize that you can't pay a plastic surgeon to fill their true issues with themselves. It makes me so sad.

I pray to God my future daughters and the little girls I know right now don't look up to these people are role models. It's disgusting."

Okay, so craziness ensued. Click here to read the responses:

Wow. So I don't know what is shocking me more . . . the fact that people think that thinking plastic surgery is not a good thing is wrong or the fact that people are so fucking rude with their opinions. I was called a "judgmental ass."

Given the average superficiality of a typical reader of ONTD, I shouldn't be so surprised. I just didn't think my opinion was that offensive, but then again, I've never had plastic surgery. Why do people with a mask, this one being the Internet, turn in to evil jerks sometimes? I did a lot of lying and deceitful things when I was like 13, 14, 15 online (mainly lying about my appearance and such), but I never intentionally tried to hurt or offend anyone. I just don't get it. Is being argumentative and true nature or does the Internet, particularly gossip blogs, promote this behavior?

No money, no problem

If money weren't an issue, what would you do?

I asked this question back when I used to feature one of my friends in a section of my blog each week. Everyone's answers were varied and ranged from being lazy and doing nothing to traveling all over the world. I myself never really pondered that question, nor did I ever fill out my own questionnaire that I composed to make my dear friends (and readers) think about their own life.

I know within my soul that money does not equal happiness. Whenever I go on spending binges, I know it makes me happy temporarily, but ultimately, it does nothing. Women, by nature, are gathers. That's why I like shopping, I guess. It's in my nature. But, after having a job where I made significantly more than my friends, I have realized that, without a doubt, MONEY DOES NOT EQUAL HAPPINESS.

This isn't to say that I want to be poor for the rest of my life. I like the finer things in life. I like not having to worry about money, but I also feel if money is a motivating factor in any of my decisions, it will most certainly make me depressed.

So today while I was doing a little Christmas window shopping for my family, I also "had" to stop at Sephora to buy some makeup. I spend so much money in that place because I love makeup. I like everything about it. Why not work there for minimum wage? I have sworn off retail jobs after attempting twice and HATING the hours. I like working with people, but I don't like the random hours you can't control.

I know I HATE working in an office. It always depresses me and I realize I can't even do it for 18-20 hours a week, so I quit this other one I had. I don't know why I did it again . . .oh, I know, because I needed money(of course!). I've never really liked one . . .I had an internship in NYC, but that doesn't count because I loved NYC and I was only there 2-3 days a week.

I love 9:30 Club. It makes me happy and that's all that matters. I hate dealing with people's reactions to where I work and what I do, but I KNOW I cannot let it affect me. Worrying about what others think of you is also something that does not equal happiness.

So what would I do if money weren't an issue? If anything were possible, I would sing and write. That's what I would do. Music and literature. That's me. That's what I want to do.

But money isn't the only thing stopping me from these things, but that's another post all together.

Living in the moment . . .

Hi guys,

So I know I've been pretty sucky at updating lately and I apologize for that. I am going to post really soon, but not right now. I just wanted to drop a line and say that I am learning to live in the moment and not think about the future so much. It's really helping me cope with shit. I need to relax and enjoy life instead of being such a freak sometimes. Haha.

As for now, I'm going to go read a little bit before having a low key evening with some friends at Cheesecake Factory, where I am most definitely going to eat some delicious cake. Then, hopefully, they'll come back home with me to the house I'm house/catsitting and play with the poor cat, since I am trying to but I'm just really NOT a cat person. Ek, I'm so annoyed by the feline, but at the same time I want her to be happy. I feel HORRIBLE and NEGLECTFUL for not playing with her more.

Okay, well have a good night, y'all.

♥,
A

Pit stops

It's like all I ever do is wait alone, chase or run. That's it. Always. Is this what love is? Wait, chase, run? Chase, run, wait. Run, chase, wait. Wait, run, chase . . .

I just want to stand still with someone for a bit . . .without my running shoes. And without his. Everyone else seems to take a break once in awhile. I've been doing a marathon, with a few tiny pit stops for water, but I'm never completely stopped and the finish line seems way out of sight.

I guess that's what you were . . .a pit stop. Just like the others.

So I guess I'll keep running.

Man, I need some new shoes.

Nose jobs

I could probably benefit from a nose job. My nose is pretty large and while it may fit my (big) face, it's a little too prevalent sometimes. I'm aware.

But my mother always told me that she believes God's sense of humor is seen in our noses because they are just silly looking.
So I'll keep my nose, I think. And laugh.

I am pretty comfortable with my looks. There are some days when I think I'm hideous and don't want to be seen, but all in all, I feel like there's much more to life than my large nose, the zit on my chin, my bucked teeth or the stretch marks that mark a good portion of my body. Sometimes I do obsess over those things, but forgive me, I'm human.

I thank my mom who, although not always entirely confident about her own looks, always taught me there was more to life than appearances. And not to take things too seriously. There are things you should be more concerned with, like treating others kindly and being knowledgeable.

A nose is easy to fix, but a personality isn't.

Babysteps

So, it's time that Ms. Annabelle Blue grew up. It's been a long time coming . . .23 years, to be exact. I graduated from college and tried NYC, then moved back home feeling defeated and confused. I had my first "big girl job" and hated every second of it. Now I'm doing a job I love at night and quitting my latest attempt at working in an office during the day. (I know I established that I had office jobs and corporate America, but this definitely, definitely reaffirms this fact. I can't even handle 20 hours a week . . .no wonder I was depressed after 40!)

So now it's time I got my act together.

Now, this isn't a particularly groundbreaking thought, I know. Some people have always had it together . . .I have not. I'm not that fortunate. I don't know if I ever TRULY thought about me at 23. I thought for sure I'd be a famous singer or something. I don't think I ever thought I'd be where and what I am now. That isn't to say I don't like who or what I am now, but it's just not what I really expected.

So the latest guy in my life is considerably older than I am and entirely independent. I am "independent-minded," but I am definitely not financially or even entirely emotionally independent. This admission is one that I'm not afraid to admit, but it's definitely one I'm not proud of. He says it's okay, but I don't know. How unattractive it must seem for me to be so un-together. How confused and changeable I am! I must be a complete mess to those on the outside, especially a romantic partner.

I really don't know how I'll be able to afford being on my own, but I really want to be. I have student loans, my car payments, health insurance and a pesky incident from an apartment in college to consider . . .but I know it can be done, mostly because it has to be.

Maybe this will change his mind about me, but that isn't the point. I'm not doing this for him or anyone else, I'm doing it for me because I know it's the right time.

I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I need to stop obsessing over it, too. I need to enjoy the moment. Of course I have big ideas and big plans, but today, right now, I have smaller ones . . .baby steps.

And that's how we grow up, isn't it? With baby steps.

My mother said it took me a longer time to start walking. She said I knew how, but I was so afraid. I could even talk before I could walk, if you could imagine. I just couldn't let go because I was so scared. But finally, I let go and I started running.

Love,
A