Never thought I would be at 23 on the verge of combustion . . .

I'm on a YouTube kick, I guess. This song is so true. 23 is hard, y'all!

Sensual Seduction

Snoop Dogg can do no wrong.

Ugh.

You know, I was talking to a friend last night about how fucked up my luck is with regard to love and relationships. It's so redundant that I really feel foolish for even blogging about it anymore. I've been thinking about things a lot lately (as per usual) and it's driving me insane. I'm confused. I don't know what's what anymore. I've been such a good girl lately and I don't intend on spiraling back into my period of bad decisions, but something has got to change.

I'm feeling incredibly low right now. I can't keep walking away from people feeling empty and unfinished. That's how I feel every single time I say goodbye to this guy. It's never right. And I can't make it right, so I think I'll just have to accept that it isn't. And it's hard because I believe in us sometimes, but it feels like maybe I'm the only one. I'm always so alone.

And then there's this guy who will NOT talk to me anymore. I've poured my heart out to him and tried to get closure, I've moved on (but I'll still probably always adore him) and now it's just a matter of me thinking, "Hey, we were once friends, right? Can we just at least acknowledge that?" I guess not, huh? Did I do something so horrible that he can't even speak to me anymore? I know it's not my loss really, but it hurts. It doesn't hurt that it didn't work out, it hurts that he doesn't care to even know how I'm doing. That's what hurts. Even if he was just one of my girl friends, I'd still be hurt by ANYONE not talking or showing any interest in me who was once in my life. And if it's a matter of high school shit like "he told me this about you" or what have you, that's bullshit. But whatever. I can't even think about this anymore.

And my future is so uncertain. I feel the compulsion to move out of my house, but I'm so unstable as far as employment is concerned. I hate every job except working at 9:30 Club. It's like a cult, seriously. It's addicting because it's such a fun job and the people are so cool. I need to become a bit of a hermit and just continue to write this project I'm working on, but my stupid boring day job keeps getting in the way. I think I have to quit and be poor again. Not ideal, but I know it'll be better.

I feel as though I'm losing my sense of self. I had it a few weeks ago, but it's leaving me again. I'm too busy to even remember what I have to do anymore.

Fuckfuckfuck

I can't do this anymore, so I won't. As hard as it'll be, it has to be done. I am so sick of this. Why am I never worth the fight? I know I'm not easy, but it's really not all that difficult. I cannot wait any longer and I will not be patient. So goodbye.

Maybe this is my fatigue talking. Maybe it's my various frustrations talking. I am sick of pulling it out of you and putting myself out there. Either you are or you aren't. Either we are or we aren't. Either it happens or it doesn't.

So until you make up your mind, I've made up mine.

Back to square one. Again.

All That Matters

A conversation with a 27-year-old boy:

boy: "There was this girl I used to know and she'd always, like, put her finger in her mouth and ask for things like this . . ."

(boy demonstrates putting the index finger of his right hand in his mouth and looking up sheepishly)

me: "Oh, really? That's so annoying . . ."
boy: "No, like, all the guys would do anything for her."
me: "Because she was acting all cutesy, right?"
boy: "No, she hated girls like that."
me: "But she acted like that, too? Right?"
boy: "No, she was really, really hot."
me: "Aw, well, that's all that matters."
boy: "Well, to boys, yeah."

On Fairy Tales

I believe in fairy tales. I'm that type of girl. Someone told me that I remind them of Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. I barely remember that movie, yet alone Princess Jasmine, but I was sort of offended by that. Granted, I'm still young and I still have lots to learn about life and love, but I don't believe just because I believe in happy endings that I have unrealistic expectations . . .mostly because I think these endings aren't unrealistic.

And yes, I do believe in love and I think it's powerful and I'm a romantic in that sense, but I don't think my head is far too far into the clouds to be out of touch with reality.

Tonight I saw "Enchanted" and I loooooved it. Ironic, clever, funny, cute and it's a fairy tale. During this movie I realized that my happy-go-lucky nature and optimism is something I shouldn't be embarrassed about. If people (or a specific guy) doesn't like it, oh well. I'll move on. Why should I care? And I don't. This is a big revelation to me.

The sarcastic, self-deprecating and all around negative attitude that I affect sometimes isn't really me. It's a defense mechanism I feel I've developed to deal with the fact that my environment at times has worked against my true nature and jaded me a bit. Inside, I'm really a singing, dancing, curious girl who likes make-up and pretty things. I'm really a princess. I'm really into make believe. I really believe in fairy tales.

And as much as I try to say I want a small wedding that's intimate and unpretentious, I kind of do want a big fairy tale wedding. I would love to get married in Cinderella's castle. I am that type of girl. I do want my Prince Charming. And I do want my happily ever after. I'm not embarrassed about this anymore.

So I looked up Princess Jasmine and her characteristics are: spunky, free-spirited, intelligent and cunning. She also doesn't want to marry any princes that her father suggests. Um, hi.

So maybe I am like Princess Jasmine . . . I'll take that. It's a compliment.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving and Stuff . . .

Hope you guys are enjoying your Thanksgiving "break," of which I don't really have any longer. I'm at my day job right now and will be heading to my night job shortly after this, but that's the life of a hustla, baaaaaaaybay. I have given up the comfort of paid vacations and health insurance for a sense of independence(?), which sometimes kinda stinks, but mostly makes me happy.

I'm loving spending time with my family this time of year. As much as I dread the drama, when it really comes down to it, I love them so much and actually thoroughly enjoy spending time with them. I get to play with babies and children, which makes me happy.

My cousin told me she's pregnant with her second baby and I'm so happy for her. Makes me seriously consider that I want kids kind of soon, which is scary. It's something I look forward to, but first I gotta figure my life out. I wouldn't want to bring a new, innocent human being into this mess of a life right now. An older, bigger, mature human being . . .maybe. ;)

I'm working on a novel right now that I want to publish. I've written two novels before, but I wouldn't dream of publishing either one. They had their purposes and I had a lot of readers for one of them. I guess it was sort of published, in a sense, but that was a long time ago. (Notice the intentional vagueness of this admission . . .) I will update you special people on the current novel in progress at a later date. It's going to take a lot more dedication and focus to complete this, which means I'm going to become a tad bit antisocial, but that's okay.

I'm also seriously considering grad school again. Yikes, I'm always so up and down with this, but I know I gotta do it.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

A

As time passes by . . .

Tonight, while blow-drying my hair (And burning my arm! Don't ask how . . .I'm just clumsy enough to do so), I thought of a classmate from high school who had the skin on her face burned from getting a relaxer. I became pretty good friends with her at one point, but I've lost touch.

It made me think of other "friends" from high school I've lost touch with and how they are merely "characters" to me and less real people anymore. I have changed and grown so much over the past few years to the point where I feel as though I'm a different person sometimes. When I run into these old classmates, I'm brought back to a place I once was, but completely objectively. It's weird. People are starting to become fictionalized in the story of my life now.

And my hair is my natural color again, there are no chemicals trying to "relax" my curls anymore and it's refreshing. I feel like I'm maturing (thanks to the one lone gray hair on my head!) and, at the same time, returning back to who I really am.

I feel free.

These are a few things on my mind:

1.) I need to start exercising more regularly again.
2.) I need to stop eating everything in sight.
3.) I hate PMS. All I want is chocolate and sleep.
4.) I am so fucking hooked on this new guy and it's not a good thing. I am tired of trying. We get so far and then it's back to square one a few days later. What the hell?
5.) I need to move out.
6.) I need to write more.
7.) I am already having doubts about my new day job. It's boring as hell.
8.) WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

That's all. Going to watch "The Hills" even though I know my brain cells cry "murder" for the entire half hour.

Ani Part 2

i don't call the attention to myself
or maybe i do
i cannot help if i get attention from the opposite sex
i have been invisible, too
so i know how you feel when it isn't on you
but the dirty looks and misplaced anger
are a little much
even for me

and i'm sorry you think
i'm a flirt and not to be trusted
especially since i ("did not") hurt your friend
you're just feeling a little jealous
and insecure
but that's okay
it's not a crime
i just wish you'd get over it

and then there's you
god, there's always a fucking you
and you know what
you're the attention i want
and tonight i go to bed alone
is this going anywhere?
fuck, i'm just not into this anymore
i felt apathy creeping in
and then when i feel ignored . . .
i care(???)

ani difranco was amazing tonight, again.
that's what i'll go to sleep thinking about. goodnight.

"ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE, TOO!"

I work with a bunch of vegetarians and vegans. I am not one to judge anyone's eating habits, but it really, really annoys me when vegetarians or vegans justify their vegetarianism on the basis that . . .

"ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE, TOO! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE ATE YOUR MOM?"

Well, there are so many things wrong with this argument, with the most obvious one being that animals are not "people." I don't disagree that animals have souls, but they are not living, breathing, thinking, homeowning, people. According to dictionary.com, people is defined as "human beings, as distinguished from animals or other beings."

Therefore, the hypothetical question of someone eating my mother is irrelevant to the hyperbole of the first statement. Duh, I'd be sad if someone ate my mom, but my mom is a PERSON. I might be sad if someone ate my dog, too, but I don't have a dog . . .and said dog would not be a PERSON.

I also hate when people say:

"MEAT IS GROSS!"

I don't like all meat, but I wouldn't just make a broad statement about all meat being gross. Meat tastes different depending on the animal. I like chicken, but I don't think I'd enjoy rat the same.

The way in which meat is "mass produced" and the highly unethical treatment of the animals producing the meat we eat is gross.

If you raise the animal on your own farm and then slaughter it, naturally and organically, what's wrong with that? Frankly, it's none of their business if you're a vegetarian, so why do you care if they eat meat?

Biblically, God gave humans domain over all animals. Now, I'm not even religious, but it doesn't seem outrageous to assume we rule over animals?

Another thing I hate are the fake vegetarians. The ones who secretly eat meat, but will tell anyone who listens about how they're a vegetarian. The times they do eat meat are always excused because they're "low on iron" or "craving pepperoni" or "drunk." Honey, you're not a vegetarian only from 9am-5pm . . .it's a full-time job.

And there's always the vegetarian who not only stays away from meat, but they also stay away from VEGetables. They just eat processed shit, because they're so enlightened and progressive.

Vegans are admirable, but not eating any product or byproduct of an animal cannot be healthy, easy or normal.

I've tried to be a vegetarian and the longest I lasted was probably around two weeks. I was a "pollo vegetarian" (aka fake vegetarian who only ate birds but no cow or pig) from the ages of 12-19, but eventually a girl needs to eat a hamburger. (Actually, I tried the South Beach diet when I was 19 and was basically forced to eat red meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but that's another blog post altogether.) I just feel like shit when I don't have enough protein and I'm NOT big fan of tofu . . .and I like chicken. I still go days without eating any meat, but eventually I realize that something is a little off and I eat some meat.

I, by no means, think vegetarianism is any better or worse than eating meat, but I think the hardcore people who do it for the wrong reasons and justify it with moronic "evidence" and/or hyperbolic statements are annoying.

Animals are not people.

You did it the third time . . .

my brain is fuzzy trying to put together the happenings of last night. i don't know exactly what has happened or what it means. people are going to be hurt and "friendships" tangled. maybe i should have shown some restraint, but i don't believe i can be faulted for following my heart and the urges that come with the territory of being a living, breathing, FEELING human BEing.

no one owns me and that's why i'm single. i belong to no one. this is why. i don't know what i want and i want to do what i please. if i don't want you, nor have i ever said that i did, and because of this purposeful omission, i do not owe you anything. maybe it would have been wiser not to let you know what was going on, but i thought honesty was the best policy. i was interested in him first. you're a great guy, but you're not for me. get over it.

but really, all this drama is for a mere unexplainable and previously un-acted upon attraction. prolonged eye contact. harmless flirting. you cannot help who/what/when you're attracted to who or whatever you're attracted to. i am drawn to him and him to me. this is not a relationship and maybe it never will be, but i am having fun learning and making these mistakes that i'm making. that is not a crime.

wait, i can't wait for you. wait for what? why not now? what is this about? you think i'm asking you to be my boyfriend. that's really funny. we're both adults, you're attracted to me, i'm attracted to you, and that's where it begins and ends. i don't know what i'm asking for, but i'm not asking for whatever it is you're asking for me.

i begged, pleaded, tempted, seduced for this vague and inexplicable thing.. i wanted something tangible. i will forget tomorrow, i promised. we can go back to normal. you liked things how they were. fuck you, maybe i'm being rejected, but i want it anyway. and i got it. twice. and then you did it the third time without me asking.

in the rain, in the street, it's late, i'm cold, i need sleep, i have work in the morning, these excuses are excused when it happens. because this is what i need right now. tomorrow can wait.

and i do not feel good on the drive home. i feel empty and numb because i feel like you were just doing me a favor. but you did it the third time on your own. that's got to mean something.

Letter from the Editor (or Writer)

Good morning!

Here I am in bed, making no rush to get my ass to the gym. I really don't feel like it. I'd rather do stuff around the house that needs doing. I was also supposed to do lunch with a friend, but I'm not sure about that either. I think I need a little "me time" before work tonight.

Yesterday I got my hair trimmed on a whim. I've been thinking about it for awhile, but I'm trying to grow my hair out. The problem was that I couldn't even wear my hair down because it was soooooo uneven and I had so many split ends. So I got a trim and, OF COURSE, she cut too much. But at least it looks better down now. I just get so mad now when I get my hair trimmed because I know it's "just hair," but what gives a hair stylist the right to just chop it off if you didn't ask for it to be done? Ugh.

I also saw Ani DiFranco in concert last night. She played at a symphony hall, which was beautiful. I love symphony halls. It made me nostalgic for singing when I was young in various halls and going to plays in London. I need to take more advantage of the cultural happenings in Washington, DC and Baltimore . . .

Anyway, Ani DiFranco was just as amazing as you'd expect. It was my first time seeing her, so I was very excited. She is also playing at 9:30 Club this Friday, but it'll be a whole different atmosphere. At the concert last night, we all had assigned seats, which we were all seated in and the fucking couple in front of me kept on making out and hugging! I couldn't see over the guys head, so I had to move when they moved. We couldn't sing along with Ani because my friend said that Ani doesn't like it because it takes her away from the place she was when she wrote it. That is so true, especially with her very, very personal and specific to place and time lyrics. This all made for a very different concert going experience for me, but very nice (except for the couple in front of me). Ani is amazing.

Why are some lesbians so hateful towards straight people, particularly (obviously) men. I just don't get it. Why are they so angry? I'm sure there are some happy lesbians who don't hate men or heterosexuality, but some of them are just as close-minded and judgmental as homophobic assholes. Case in point, I went to the bathroom and two girls were talking about the "annoying" STRAIGHT couple who were shouting things out" during the concert. Why did you need to add that they were straight? How is that relevant to the story? Well, duh, because straight couples are obnoxious and loud, that's why! And they think they're better than everyone else because they're straight! And why in the hell are they at Ani DiFranco because ONLY lesbians like her! But, she's not a lesbian anymore and she's married to a man and she had his baby and that makes me SO ANGRY! Blahblahblah. I've noticed it time and time again with a lot of members of the gay community. I get it, you're gay. You don't need to be rude and make everything a gay vs straight issue. Maybe it's just that way with the younger ones that I've encountered and maybe the more evolved ones can see past the ridiculous separation that they inflict themselves.

Gay, straight, fat, thin, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb, black, white, single, married, innie, outtie . . .we're all the same, so it's so stupid to single each other out all the time.

Enjoy your Sunday, loves. ♥

A

promise to myself

tomorrow, or technically today, i promise myself that i will do something creatively related to my future. i need ambition. :)

Sunflowers

i had a dream which consisted of you last night
you were back
and you were different
changed, even
you had been designing
Disney sketches while away
and now you were searching
for sunflowers
"why sunflowers?" i asked
"because they're beautiful and they grow so big searching for light
that they can even grow around you . . ."
and it did
you had your sketch pad out
and we searched together, happily

who knows what it means
but the reappearance of you was nice to see
if only in a dream

My Love for Gwen Stefani Exposed

This morning, I received the following Facebook wall post from a friend:

"Anywhoo, there is a cute video of your girl Gwen on TMZ.com. When I saw her and heard what she said it made me think of you and how you guys sort of seem a like....check it out, you'll see what I mean (hopefully).

I went to tmz.com and viewed the video. It was Gwen Stefani when she was young talking about her dreams while super gluing an outfit she was going to wear on stage. She got every wish. She wanted to be famous and tour the world. She accomplished it. She even got her beautiful rockstar husband and her adorable little baby she sang about in her songs all the time. Who wouldn't want that dream?

I fell in love with Gwen Stefani when I was 12. I saw No Doubt performing on the Video Music Awards pre-show back in 1996. I remember being in my parent's bedroom watching the awards with my dad and thinking: "That is what I want to be when I grow up. Who is this?" I was enraptured and just flat out amazed. Who was this?

My memory about where I purchased "Tragic Kingdom" is kind of fuzzy. I could have been in NYC while visiting my brother and his mom or it could have been at Best Buy in my hometown. I don't remember. It was a weird time in my life. I was in 7th grade, beginning the teenage years, dealing with becoming a woman, dealing with a lot of stuff with my family . . .and you know, all that stuff.

I listened to that CD everyday after school. I was a "Gwenabee", as we were called, and I wanted to be just like this amazing 26-year-old woman because I felt like I WAS just like her. I'm sure thousands of girls (and boys!) felt this same way about her; I cannot claim the rights to this. I was a chubby little black girl from the suburbs of DC . . .I was clearly not "like" her, but I was.

I would sing my heart out to lyrics about heartache and saving the world. I would perform for the imaginary thousands of people who came to see me. My mom would barge in on me and laugh. I even had "Spiderwebs" on my answering machine. All my friends loved it. I was so cool.

I cannot explain my love and admiration for Gwen and her life. I cannot, nor will I try. But I am just so moved by the fact that she got everything she wanted. I don't particularly love her solo stuff, but I love No Doubt and I love her.

I remember listening to "Sixteen" on repeat the day I turned 16-years-old. Ironically, No Doubt was performing in concert near me that SAME FUCKING DAY! My mom wouldn't let me go because she didn't know the people I would be going with. I cried. I sat in my room and listened to the song over and over again. The irony. (I'm still sad just thinking about it.) The song was so true for me about the awkwardness of being 16 and not being allowed to do what I wanted. I was such an angsty teenager.

When I was 18, I finally got the chance to see No Doubt in concert. The date was October 18, 2002, to be exact. And I was in FRONT FUCKING ROW. It was amazingamazingamazing. It was in Philly and I was a freshman in college. It was a beautiful moment. Just hearing them do sound check from outside the arena before the show forced tears to form . . .

"I used to listen to these songs everyday!" I exclaimed to my new friend, and fellow No Doubt/Gwen worshipper, Vicky. She smiled. She got it.

We managed to get in the front row and I CRIED just when the intro music started. Before they even came out from under the stage, the tears started pouring and I turned to Vicky, and just hugged her and said: "I'm crying. Holy shit. I can't stop." When I saw them, it felt unreal. I'm tearing up right now writing this.

The concert was amazing. Just . . .words don't even fit. I remember standing right below Tom, the guitar player, and him just looking down at me and smiling. I was in my own world, singing along to every word. He must have seen the bliss radiating from me. His smile was so gentle and kind. I got his guitar pick, which reminds me every time because I don’t have any pictures to remind me. Just my memories.

Stephen, the trumpet player, and I kept smiling and dancing with each other from far away. Such positivity. I didn't get to interact with Adrian or Tony, but that's okay.

And then GWEN! She sang to me during "Hey Baby" and I sang back to her. She sang to me a couple of other times, but I don't remember. It was so fucking amazing. Have I said that enough? The 12-year-old in me was just bursting at the seams. It was one of the best nights of my life.

So back to the video of a young Gwen. When I asked my friend WHY she thought I reminded her of Gwen, she responded with:

"You guys are alike in the way you think about being famous. Like, it's something that you know is going to come at your cross road but you also have a back up plan that will still give you happiness. Although, you feel confident that you are going to set your mark on the world She's has the vibe about her that just reminds me of you...it's hard to explain. The way she talks too...she's soft spoken like you sometimes. You are really soft spoken on the phone sometimes, espeically when you first answer and I'm the exact opposite LMAO I'm a hot mess."

So maybe I am like her, after all. I haven’t seen her persona offstage very much, but I guess we are alike.

Every single day I ask myself: what am I doing? Where am I going? How will I accomplish my dreams? What ARE my dreams? Maybe I need to write them down. Maybe I need to speak them out loud. Maybe someone needs to videotape me answering these questions so someone, like me, can see it years from now and say: “Wow, she got everything she wanted. Maybe I can, too. I want to be just like her.”

Alcoholics

I am part of a love trapezoid at my night job. One girl I've befriended likes the guy I sort of like and he likes me, but his friend asked me out on a date and it's awkward. So I went out with the friend, and then I acted weird and finally tonight I told the friend that I just wanted to be his friend, nothing more.

Holy shit! Is that me becoming mature? I nipped it in the bud and we are, if you can believe it, OKAY! Better, even. WOW! He's mature, too. Why can't all guys be like this. SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN. It's not that hard. My god.

But I am still undecided about the guy I sort of like, for various reasons, but I can't even explore him because we're rarely alone and I don't want to upset anyone. He even lives with two of my co-workers, so it's not like we do it on the dl. Maybe we can figure something out . . .

I'm petrified of letting myself truly fall for him. He works at 9:30 Club and he's 30 years old. He's kind of immature. Most of the guys I work with are immature and/or alcoholics. I went drinking with a bunch of them after work tonight. Is this what they become amongst each other? Talking about how drunk they got and what they did. It gets boring.

And I found myself longing for thought-provolking conversation about art, literature or even celebrity culture. The reality of the stuntedness of some of the people I work with is rearing it's head and I'm contemplating a future. Right now, it's fun and I can handle it. But forever? I don't know. Can I really be with someone who's primary job is this? I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Standing on the corner of 9th and V street, cold, waiting for the other boys to come across the street, with the girl who likes you driving off angrily, I looked up at you and I just thought: "Here I am."

There I was.

Gossip Girl

Hi guys,

I thought I'd drop y'all a line since it's been a few days. Seriously, having two jobs and balancing living, eating and breathing is incredibly hard. I've been out of touch with friends, eating and spending money on food I shouldn't be eating, and working out regularly has been pretty impossible. It's such a drastic change from, like, two weeks ago when I only had 9:30 Club and planned my day around The Tyra Banks Show and Oprah.

9:30 Club is going pretty well. I hate coming home and feeling anxious though, which happens sometimes. I'm still so concerned with what a lot of people I work with think. I feel like I'm still new and people are still feeling me out.

Gossip is something I've had trouble with in the past and now I'm trying to get stop all of that for good. I have been doing pretty well until tonight when I mentioned how one of my coworkers never does any work, but always tries to tell other people what to do. It's true, but I should've kept my mouth shut. I also told two of my coworkers about my crush on another coworker. I probably shouldn't have done so, but I guess it couldn't hurt if he found out I'm interested. (This is not the post to talk about that subject!)

Gossip is so pervasive and yet such a sign of insecurity. Are we girls so insecure that we need to gossip about everyone? I try not to and you know what, I totally gossiped about my other coworker for all the wrong reasons. Do I really care that this person doesn't work? Not really. I guess I was just trying to "bond" with the coworker I gossiped to. How pathetic.

I am trying to be impeccable with my word. I shouldn't talk shit and I shouldn't embellish the truth or flat out lie. These are things that are important to me, and I must do adhere to these rules.

On another note, my brother is writing a book and just sent me a draft of a few chapters. I have yet to read them (I'm too busy), but I look forward to taking a look . . .I just hope he doesn't "go there" because I'm an emotional wreck about my childhood sometimes.

Okay, that's it for now. Goodnight, everyone!

Blackout

Never have I ever been warned, questioned and harassed about buying a CD more than I was when I purchased Britney's new album. People laughed at me. My friends questioned my sanity. The cashier said: "No refunds!" What the hell? I asked him if he usually warns purchasers about refunds and he said, "No, but for that CD . . .yeah!"

So, I'm perplexed. Her albums have always been pretty much devoid of personality and basically entertainment's equivalent to junk food. There was nothing nutritional about it, but it served it's purpose once and a while and tasted good- even it was completely synthetic. But, NOW, when she's actually unabashedly what she is- no pretenses and, although she still she doesn't write her shit, it's more personal and autobiographical and we pretty much know what she's about (sex, drugs and no panties) . . .why is it NOW that everyone is making it about the music? Why are we suddenly paying attention and evaluating the "quality" of her music? When we knew nothing about her, except that she was pretty and "perfect," and she made SHITTY albums (only 1 or 2 songs on her albums were ever worth listening to), everyone bought her music. No one questioned me and I sure as hell wasn't warned by everyone not to buy her music. (Nevermind the personal battle I fought within when I bought the other two Britney albums that I own.)

Hell, "Blackout" is a good dance album. I like Britney more now that she's crazy. I can appreciate her music more. In reality, now that I know more about her, she seems more mysterious . . .and more fun.

If her aim on this new album is to get me to move my ass ("Freakshow") , grind on the boy next to me ("Gimme More", "Radar"), fall in love ("Heaven on Earth") and then dump his ass when he starts disrespecting me and/or I get tired of him ("Toy Solider", "Why Should I be Sad?"), her goal is accomplished.

That isn't to say that this album is perfect, but none of the songs are HORRIBLE. At worst, they are generic and redundant. I could do without "Break the Ice", "Get Naked", "Ooh Ooh Baby" and "Perfect Lover." Those four songs aren't horrible, but there's nothing terribly special about them.

"Piece of Me" is her take on the paparazzi. "Radar" is "Toxic" Part 2, and that isn't a bad thing. "Heaven on Earth" is very Kylie/Madonna . . .and uncomfortably delicious. "Freakshow" is very, very cool and futuristic. (It's one of my favorite tracks.) "Toy Solider" reminds me of my favorite "Destiny Child" song, "Solider" mixed with a little Gwen. And "Why Should I Be Sad" is produced by Pharell and it's a strong track that shows the emoitional (or unemotional) side of Britney's breakup with Kevin.

Overall, I'd say this album is Britney's best album by far. She admits to being a lush and favoring nakedness. Finally. And I will glady make copies for anyone who wants one so you don't have to be embarassed enough to go to the store to buy it and be a part of the Spanish Inquisition upon doing so.