Monday, November 12, 2007

You did it the third time . . .

my brain is fuzzy trying to put together the happenings of last night. i don't know exactly what has happened or what it means. people are going to be hurt and "friendships" tangled. maybe i should have shown some restraint, but i don't believe i can be faulted for following my heart and the urges that come with the territory of being a living, breathing, FEELING human BEing.

no one owns me and that's why i'm single. i belong to no one. this is why. i don't know what i want and i want to do what i please. if i don't want you, nor have i ever said that i did, and because of this purposeful omission, i do not owe you anything. maybe it would have been wiser not to let you know what was going on, but i thought honesty was the best policy. i was interested in him first. you're a great guy, but you're not for me. get over it.

but really, all this drama is for a mere unexplainable and previously un-acted upon attraction. prolonged eye contact. harmless flirting. you cannot help who/what/when you're attracted to who or whatever you're attracted to. i am drawn to him and him to me. this is not a relationship and maybe it never will be, but i am having fun learning and making these mistakes that i'm making. that is not a crime.

wait, i can't wait for you. wait for what? why not now? what is this about? you think i'm asking you to be my boyfriend. that's really funny. we're both adults, you're attracted to me, i'm attracted to you, and that's where it begins and ends. i don't know what i'm asking for, but i'm not asking for whatever it is you're asking for me.

i begged, pleaded, tempted, seduced for this vague and inexplicable thing.. i wanted something tangible. i will forget tomorrow, i promised. we can go back to normal. you liked things how they were. fuck you, maybe i'm being rejected, but i want it anyway. and i got it. twice. and then you did it the third time without me asking.

in the rain, in the street, it's late, i'm cold, i need sleep, i have work in the morning, these excuses are excused when it happens. because this is what i need right now. tomorrow can wait.

and i do not feel good on the drive home. i feel empty and numb because i feel like you were just doing me a favor. but you did it the third time on your own. that's got to mean something.

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