You know, I was talking to a friend last night about how fucked up my luck is with regard to love and relationships. It's so redundant that I really feel foolish for even blogging about it anymore. I've been thinking about things a lot lately (as per usual) and it's driving me insane. I'm confused. I don't know what's what anymore. I've been such a good girl lately and I don't intend on spiraling back into my period of bad decisions, but something has got to change.
I'm feeling incredibly low right now. I can't keep walking away from people feeling empty and unfinished. That's how I feel every single time I say goodbye to this guy. It's never right. And I can't make it right, so I think I'll just have to accept that it isn't. And it's hard because I believe in us sometimes, but it feels like maybe I'm the only one. I'm always so alone.
And then there's this guy who will NOT talk to me anymore. I've poured my heart out to him and tried to get closure, I've moved on (but I'll still probably always adore him) and now it's just a matter of me thinking, "Hey, we were once friends, right? Can we just at least acknowledge that?" I guess not, huh? Did I do something so horrible that he can't even speak to me anymore? I know it's not my loss really, but it hurts. It doesn't hurt that it didn't work out, it hurts that he doesn't care to even know how I'm doing. That's what hurts. Even if he was just one of my girl friends, I'd still be hurt by ANYONE not talking or showing any interest in me who was once in my life. And if it's a matter of high school shit like "he told me this about you" or what have you, that's bullshit. But whatever. I can't even think about this anymore.
And my future is so uncertain. I feel the compulsion to move out of my house, but I'm so unstable as far as employment is concerned. I hate every job except working at 9:30 Club. It's like a cult, seriously. It's addicting because it's such a fun job and the people are so cool. I need to become a bit of a hermit and just continue to write this project I'm working on, but my stupid boring day job keeps getting in the way. I think I have to quit and be poor again. Not ideal, but I know it'll be better.
I feel as though I'm losing my sense of self. I had it a few weeks ago, but it's leaving me again. I'm too busy to even remember what I have to do anymore.