I am part of a love trapezoid at my night job. One girl I've befriended likes the guy I sort of like and he likes me, but his friend asked me out on a date and it's awkward. So I went out with the friend, and then I acted weird and finally tonight I told the friend that I just wanted to be his friend, nothing more.
Holy shit! Is that me becoming mature? I nipped it in the bud and we are, if you can believe it, OKAY! Better, even. WOW! He's mature, too. Why can't all guys be like this. SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN. It's not that hard. My god.
But I am still undecided about the guy I sort of like, for various reasons, but I can't even explore him because we're rarely alone and I don't want to upset anyone. He even lives with two of my co-workers, so it's not like we do it on the dl. Maybe we can figure something out . . .
I'm petrified of letting myself truly fall for him. He works at 9:30 Club and he's 30 years old. He's kind of immature. Most of the guys I work with are immature and/or alcoholics. I went drinking with a bunch of them after work tonight. Is this what they become amongst each other? Talking about how drunk they got and what they did. It gets boring.
And I found myself longing for thought-provolking conversation about art, literature or even celebrity culture. The reality of the stuntedness of some of the people I work with is rearing it's head and I'm contemplating a future. Right now, it's fun and I can handle it. But forever? I don't know. Can I really be with someone who's primary job is this? I don't think so.
I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Standing on the corner of 9th and V street, cold, waiting for the other boys to come across the street, with the girl who likes you driving off angrily, I looked up at you and I just thought: "Here I am."
There I was.