Nothing to lose.

Chance Casino


I don't know what keeps me trying and trying. I will never give up. Despite the fact that I've gotten my heart broken with rejection ONCE doing this same thing, I am here again.

I guess it's like love. I got my heart broken so many times by boys and yet just when I gave up completely, something wonderful came along. Or rather, someone . . .

So anyway, here I am again. What the hell am I doing? What have I got to lose besides a little time and $75? I'm trying not to get attached. I will assume it's not going to happen to avoid another heartbreak. It would be far worse if I didn't try at all, I think.

Thought I learned my lesson not to tell people about it, but I have. Stupid. But I'm like an open book. What have I got to hide?

Maybe it'll be better during Spring . . .

But right now, I have the undying compulsion to just run away. Where? I don't know. I'm a slave to my car note at this point. I'm just working to pay for my car and student loan debt. This is not good.

So, I'm thinking about just sticking with this job I'm temping for until I pay off some debt and save $4000 to just get the hell out of here. It'll probably be when this fall when I'm 25, but it's better than indefinitely, right?

Time goes by so fast.

PS- I woke up this morning with a comment on an article I wrote and it was positive. Just when I feel like giving up . . .these awesome things happen.

Commitmentphobia

Over the past year and a half, my thoughts on how I'm going to make a living for myself has thought about numerous things, but I have yet to commit to a damn thing except indecision. It's time for me to just pick something and, dare I say, stick with it:

Going to graduate school to study:
- library science (called a school and tried to get all the necessary materials. contacted an old professor who told me to schedule a meeting. then didn't do it.)
- nonfiction writing (went to an informational session in Baltimore for Johns Hopkins)


Going to law school
- Did some research. Realized it wasn't a passion and I didn't want to go through with it. Big surprise.

Music job in NYC.

- I was so close. So, so close. You know the story. I should probably feel more heartbroken and angry. I don't know.

Freelance writer.

- I go back and fourth on this one. I love writing and want to write and make a living, but I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I purchased all the books. Did all the research. Even sent out a query. I am published on the Net. People read my shit. I guess I help people. I just can't seem to make a steady income doing so.


Just getting any old job that doesn't want to make me kill myself and saving $$ for NYC.

- I actually did this a few months after I graduated. Didn't save enough. Didn't move to NYC. Started working at 930 Club though and had a blast.

Selling an idea I have online and making enough $$ to do what I want.

- I think it's a "get rich quick" scheme. I got inspired after reading "The 4-Hour Workweek". Still debating about it. I just don't know.


There you have it. My top indecisions.

First official rejection . . .

I'm used to being rejected. After being rejected most of your childhood for being fat, smart, and generally different from your peers, you realize that acceptance is sorta bullshit. Like, of course I identified with and internalized everything I was rejected for being, but I also knew it was unfair and, frankly, stupid. I realized that the basis for rejection doesn't always have anything to do with you. You can't take it personally.

So I got my first official rejection for an idea I pitched to Seventeen magazine. I sent my query a couple of weeks ago and was expecting to not hear ANYTHING back, but I just received an official rejection letter and it made me feel good because someone actually read what I wrote. Granted, they were probably a poor intern, but still. Someone is listening! And it is encouraging!

A lot of writers I admire have been rejected numerous times before they've been accepted and I feel as though I'm in good company. My big break will happen. I just have to keep at it. Now I will query more and more.

AWESOME!

I have gotten another e-mail from someone who liked an article I wrote almost a year ago about Obama. She wants to use it in her classes that she teaches on race. Stuff like that makes me happy. At least my stuff is getting out there.

Money will follow . . .haha.

Parallel Universe

"I wonder
somewhere
in my subconscious,
when I'm thinking about myself,
about me
in a parallel universe
just maybe
would i think
about me
in a parallel universe?"


I am reading a book my co-worked lent me called, "A History of the Universe". It's a book about the universe according to the British television show about time travel called "Doctor Who". It's awesome.

Anyway, I'm fascinated by the concept of a parallel universe. There are so many mysteries in this world and we know about .04984349489498494898% about life. There is so much more out there. Apparently, events can be different in parallel worlds, but they all started the same. It's just different choices we've made.

"In 1954, a young Princeton University doctoral candidate named Hugh Everett III came up with a radical idea: That there exist parallel universes, exactly like our ­universe. These universes are all related to ours; indeed, they branch off from ours, and our universe is branched off of others. Within these parallel universes, our wars have had different outcomes than the ones we know. Species that are extinct in our universe have evolved and adapted in others. In other universes, we humans may have become extinct."

We've all thought about a parallel universe in some capacity. Such as what would have happened if you had gone to that college? What would have happened if you continued dating that guy? What if you had reacted differently? What if your mom hadn't gone out that night and met your dad? What would her parallel universe have been like?

It's fascinating, really. But, alas, it's meaningless because this parallel universe is the only one that matters right now.

Maybe it just takes me longer.

I was working at a dismal temp job yesterday and thanking the Lord that it wasn't a permanent placement. As lowly and judged I sometimes feel working at a company for short stints doing mind-numbing work, I am so glad to still have my freedom! Waking up and realizing that tonight I get to work at an awesome place with awesome people (even if I get sick of the commute and the late nights) made me happy. I don't have to go into an office and sit at a cubicle without sunlight all day!

It got me thinking. It took me a little longer to find an AWESOME relationship with an AWESOME guy. Maybe it's just going to take me longer to find my career path. I know I'll get there one day. I can't beat myself up over it because there's no point.

True, I want to be making more money. True, I thought it'd be on my own financially by now, but you know what? It's okay. I'll get there.

So my new motto? Relax. Just try my best. Take it easy.

"Don't forget to have a good time." - Ani DiFranco

Decisions, decisions

I don't feel like writing right now. I woke up early today for no good reason. Well, I had a good reason, but then I couldn't get back to sleep.

One positive aspect of waking up so early, I managed to finish reading "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Capote. I liked it. Charming, short and sweet . . .like the best things in life, I guess. We've all known a Holly Golightly. The book made me reminiscent of NYC (I'm as sick of mentioning NYC as you of reading about it!) and springtime. I've never seen the movie, but I'm thinking about it now. The book is so progressive and somewhat shocking, even now. I enjoyed it.

When I complain and rant to people, I'm not always asking for advice. In fact, I don't like getting advice from a majority of people ESPECIALLY ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR WRITING. Both of which I feel as though I am well versed and more knowledgeable on the subjects that most I talk to. Call me stuck up and arrogant if you want.

Firstly, I once lost 40+ pounds on my own by eating less and exercising more. I know how to do it. I am just lazy sometimes. Unless I explicitly ask for advice, just let me complain about my fat ass without you telling me what not to eat or how much more I should lose. It's rude.

Secondly, writing is a sore subject for me. I've been dealing with it my whole entire life. I have pursued and I am aware of most avenues to take. Hell, I majored in the subject in college. I have a BA in English Language and Literature. I may not know a lot about life or how to like and keep a job, but I know about writing. When I rant, please don't tell me to get a job working at a local newspaper. Thanks.

I am severely PMSing right now and the only things I want around me are chocolate and sunshine. My boyfriend, too.