Babysteps

So, it's time that Ms. Annabelle Blue grew up. It's been a long time coming . . .23 years, to be exact. I graduated from college and tried NYC, then moved back home feeling defeated and confused. I had my first "big girl job" and hated every second of it. Now I'm doing a job I love at night and quitting my latest attempt at working in an office during the day. (I know I established that I had office jobs and corporate America, but this definitely, definitely reaffirms this fact. I can't even handle 20 hours a week . . .no wonder I was depressed after 40!)

So now it's time I got my act together.

Now, this isn't a particularly groundbreaking thought, I know. Some people have always had it together . . .I have not. I'm not that fortunate. I don't know if I ever TRULY thought about me at 23. I thought for sure I'd be a famous singer or something. I don't think I ever thought I'd be where and what I am now. That isn't to say I don't like who or what I am now, but it's just not what I really expected.

So the latest guy in my life is considerably older than I am and entirely independent. I am "independent-minded," but I am definitely not financially or even entirely emotionally independent. This admission is one that I'm not afraid to admit, but it's definitely one I'm not proud of. He says it's okay, but I don't know. How unattractive it must seem for me to be so un-together. How confused and changeable I am! I must be a complete mess to those on the outside, especially a romantic partner.

I really don't know how I'll be able to afford being on my own, but I really want to be. I have student loans, my car payments, health insurance and a pesky incident from an apartment in college to consider . . .but I know it can be done, mostly because it has to be.

Maybe this will change his mind about me, but that isn't the point. I'm not doing this for him or anyone else, I'm doing it for me because I know it's the right time.

I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I need to stop obsessing over it, too. I need to enjoy the moment. Of course I have big ideas and big plans, but today, right now, I have smaller ones . . .baby steps.

And that's how we grow up, isn't it? With baby steps.

My mother said it took me a longer time to start walking. She said I knew how, but I was so afraid. I could even talk before I could walk, if you could imagine. I just couldn't let go because I was so scared. But finally, I let go and I started running.

Love,
A