Sunday, February 24, 2008

"You haven't really changed at all."

I didn't fit in with my "core friends" from high school. We didn't have that much in common intellectually, emotionally, mentally, or physically, but we were all friends. I'm still best friends with one of the girls, but I have lost contact with the others.

Now we're 23, one of us has THREE children (she just recently had twins!), two of us are married (the one with three kids and one other one) and two of us have no fucking clue what we're doing anymore (me and my bff) and we totally don't talk to one of the other girls.

I worked all day yesterday at the gym, as well as all night until 2:30am at 930 the night before, so I was exhausted. I even had to change in my car before we met up because I had no time to go home in between work and dinner, so I felt a little self-conscious. I'm a much more confident person in general than when I was friends with them in high school, but it was the first day of my period, so life is kind of out of whack anyway for me.

It was great seeing them all and being able to gossip about other people (just as we know we gossip about each other still) and compare stories of woe . . . which were reserved for me and my best friend who are similar places in our lives (still searching for the right man, career and life). The other girls are happy, or at least they're not the type to say they aren't. They're both married and stable. It's beautiful for them, but I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me.

We went to the bookstore after dinner because I wanted to pick up some books. Once we were there, the girls just talked and talked, while I looked around for books. I had no interest in anything they were talking about and HELLO! I'm in a bookstore, I'm not going to sit around and gossip about so and so. I'm going to look for . . .books. So, I realize maybe I'm being rude and go back to join them, although I have no true desire. I'm feeling blah and to be honest, I would have rather been at home in bed.

I thought I was being fake going to the dinner since I really didn't want to go, but I did want to support and catch up with my friend who had twins. One of the other girls irritated me to no end in HS and she still does (I'm not even going to go there), but I'm still glad I went.

On the drive home, I called my best friend and we're talking about how it wasn't as awkward as we thought it would be. I then said that the Irritating Girl hasn't changed AT ALL, even though she's married now. My friend agreed and then I said, "I mean, none of us have really changed all that much, but we've grown up." And my friend said, "You definitely haven't changed." And then she said she herself has changed a lot and asked if I agreed. I kind of shimmied around the answer.

I mean, change is such a contextual and often specifically appropriate thing to comment on when it comes to people. Do we ever really change at our core?

In the context of my core friends from high school, no, I haven't changed. I still feel awkward and I still feel as though we have nothing in common. That's why I've lost contact with those girls. I realized I'm completely different than them and that's okay. I'm not beating myself up over not being like them because, as screwed up as I am, I like being like myself. I don't know if I liked myself back in the day, and that's how I've changed. I've accepted how they are and more importantly, I've accepted myself.

And that's the correct change, in my opinion.

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