Saturday, July 12, 2008

This is all way too personal . . .but personally I don't care.

I find myself wanting to write about things that are way too personal on this blog. I could just write it in a notebook for no one to see, but somehow, and for some unknown reason to me, I feel compelled to write for all to see. I feel the need to get it out there . . .for better or worse. Truthfully, I could say anything about myself because I don't care what anyone reading this thinks of ME. My loyal readers have seen me at my worst. This blog is about me figuring stuff out professionally, personally, financially, mentally, etc. so doing that I could write whatever I want and justify it somehow. For what sake . . .I don't know.

The problem is, what about me wanting to blog about other people? And what do I do when/if those other happen to stumble about this and knows it's MY blog? What if I hurt them with how I think? Who knows how this could get in their hands?

That being said, I think one of my friends has an eating disorder. I believe she had one a year or so ago and I never confronted her then. I tried to confront her last night, but I felt GUILTY and WEIRD about it.

I wish I could be really thin like her sometimes. Everyone thinks she's "so pretty" and she gets far more attention from boys than me. Of course, the guys she gets attention from are generally guys I wouldn't want attention from. And I can't force a guy to be interested in/attracted to me if they're not, so what's the point. There have been times when we've gone out and a guy I WAS attracted to was obviously in to her, but I have a healthy attitude toward it all. It doesn't REALLY bother me.

So by me confronting her, I feel weird. When we go out and she eats nothing but lettuce and a little bit of oil and gets a calorie free drink at Starbucks, which is her right and perrogative, while I get a bacon and cheese topped chicken sandwich with bread (and fruit instead of fries) and a cup of coffee with skim milk . . .I wish I could be healthier. I wish I could CARE more about being skinny, but I don't and in some sick way, I'm jealous that she the willpower and the desire to be really thin. And I feel horrible about feeling that way.

But I know she's not happy. I want her to be happy. I know enough about eating disorders to know that it isn't about food or body image. It's about something else. She admits she has "nothing better to do" than diet and exercise. She, at one point, was going to the gym TWICE a day. In the morning and after work. That isn't healthy and even she knows that. She doesn't have a boyfriend to occupy her time, she says, so this is it. She can rationalize it that way and it's hard for me to disagree with her, but I just KNOW it isn't right.

So I don't know what to do. I'm worried, but sometimes I worry that I'm worried for the right reason.

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