Thursday, May 21, 2009

What do I truly want?

Torn. I'm so torn. What is it that I truly want from life, myself and my future? I've always wanted to have a job (preferably writing) that I love and to live in NYC while I'm young. I've tried SO many times and I'm not prepared to give up, but sometimes I wonder WHY. I wonder if it is what I truly want? Because I almost had it and then I let it go because it was too hard and I was too broke and too tired.

I am happy in almost every way except professionally here. I love my family, friends and my boyfriend. I don't want to leave any of them, but at the same time, I know that I need to make a change. Life is short. I need to go for my dreams.

Theoretically, it shouldn't matter WHERE I am to make my dreams reality. I can stick around a little bit more, but I want the feeling I have when I wake up in the middle of the night and have no idea where my life is going to stop.

I've sacrificed a lot for this elusive feeling of something being missing. Will it ever be stopped? Will I ever feel as though I have it all?

I'm not talking about celebrity. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about something much deeper. Something deeper. Will it be found in NYC or with the perfect job? I don't know. I just know I have this urge and I don't know what to do about it.

What is it? What do I truly want? What will make me truly happy?

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