Confidence

Today one of my co-workers at my new job said I don't seem like I'm confident during the warm-up for the kids and that if I don't feel confident in myself, no one else will trust me. She's right, but also, I don't really know what I'm doing, nor do I even want to do it. Hence why I might seem unconfident.

And then this evening I went bowling with some of my 930 club coworkers and I HATE bowling because I'm not good at it, it's boring to me, and I think it's an awkward thing to do. So, anyway, I'm so fucking awkward and apparently one of my coworkers jokingly said I don't believe in myself when I bowl so that's why I suck. So, I believed and then I bowled a strike! YAY! It was pretty amazing, but then it all went away. And I stopped believing. But did my disbelief contribute to the consequent sucking or did my consequent sucking cause me not to believe anymore?

I'm not a very confident person. Optimistic? Usually, although you'd never guess it from my blog entries. A feeling of self-worth? Absolutely. But confident? No, I'm not.

Why not?

Well, as I've stated before, I don't really think I'm that good at a lot of things. That in itself wouldn't cause me to classify myself as unconfident. It would mean that I am realistic, I think. "Good" is so relative and according to my high standards, I don't believe I'm that good at most things.

Perhaps it all goes back to the fact that I was made fun of for a plethora of reasons during my childhood and adolescent years. I don't know how I could be a confident adult with people being so damn mean to me for so long. I blocked a lot of it out, but I still carry those judgements in my head. They're still there in my subconscious and I don't know what to do.

I think I've ruined relationships, friendships and even myself in a lot of ways with my lack of confidence. I just wish there was a way to get it back. I try to fake it, but then it catches up unexpectedly.

It's good to be confident. It's bad to be arrogant, full of yourself and unrealistic, but it's probably healthier than the opposite.

If only I could find some confidence somehow . . .but I'd probably be bad at it.