Friday, September 7, 2007

Annabelle Blue's FYI

Passive, Aggressive, and/or Passive-Aggressive?

I’ve been accused of being all three. I have a hard time figuring out which one fits better for me. I think everyone plays a little bit of all three for the sake of sanity, but if one of the above becomes “too” prevalent, that’s when the accusations fly and people feel the need to call you out and make you feel shitty.

I feel as though people throw out these terms very liberally. I’ve taken it upon myself to research the exact definition and provide examples of each.


Definition: 1.) Accepting or submitting without objection or resistance; submissive. 2.) Relating to or characteristic of an inactive or submissive role in a relationship, especially a sexual relationship.

Example: Your friends really hate someone you actually kind of like for no reason other than it's fun. Instead of saying stuff like "I don't think she's so bad!" or "I kind of like her . . .", you say nothing and kind of go along with everyone else because you don't know want the drama and who really cares anyway? You'd rather just go along with the ride.

Reality: Maybe you really JUST DON'T WANT THE DRAMA. Why is it worth it?


Definition: 1.) Inclined to behave in an actively hostile fashion. 2.) Marked by boldness and assertiveness. (I like this definition MUCH better.)

Example: A friend says something that really offends you and you speak up and say so. Her reaction: "I'm afraid to tell you things because you're too aggressive!"

Reality: This happened to me recently. After much thought, I've come upon the conclusion that maybe it's okay for everyone else to be aggressive in telling you you're being aggressive, but to actually BE aggressive? That's not right.


Definition: This one was harder to define. Basically, it seems as though I’m the storybook case of passive-aggressiveness, but so are most people that I know. Here are some typical traits:

• Ambiguity
• Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
• Blaming others
• Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
• Complaining
• Does not express hostility or anger openly
• Fear of authority
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency
• Fear of intimacy
• Fosters chaos
• Intentional inefficiency
• Making Excuses
• Lying
• Obstructionism
• Procrastination
• Resentment
• Resists suggestions from others
• Sarcasm
• Stubbornness
• Sullenness

Example: Well, HELLO! Obviously we're ALL passive-aggressive. Just look at yourself. You're passive-aggressive.

Verdict: This is all BS. I think it takes work to be assertive without being aggressive, passive without being submissive, and passive-aggressive without being underhanded. We're all in the same boat and it's hard as hell, but I feel like labeling other people all the time is a little much. I just don't understand how us girls are supposed to "be" in this world. Why in the hell can't we just say and do what we feel without being judged by everyone - mainly each other?

Why do we call each other a bitch for speaking our minds? Why are we so afraid of the truth? Why are we so afraid of not being "PC"? What is the big deal? What is the point?

I often wonder if people are intimidated or "afraid" of me because I'm too black, too tall, too loud, too honest, too assertive, too confident, etc?

I don't know what the point of this post is except that I find it incredibly hypocritical and ignorant when people throw around these terms. It's like, maybe these are coping mechanisms to deal with how messed up you can be. I'm done with judgmental and aggressive "friends" accusing me of being the same things that they are. Deal with it or don't.

My rant's done. I'm a little bit of an angry chick sometimes. My Mars is in Scorpio. If you don't know what that means, look it up. :)

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