So last night as I sat in the Backbar nursing the familiar sting of my vodka tonic, I engaged in a heavy debate with a male co-worker over an assessment of my virtually non-existent relationship history. Sure, I’ve dated around and met many, many men that I’ve entertained the idea of starting a real relationship with, but really that’s all it ever was- entertainment. But sometimes I think about who is it that’s really being entertained anymore? I’m bored with all the predictability of men all being assholes in disguise, or more often than not, flamboyantly determined to “just” sleeping with me. (Since when did being a free spirit and having commitment issues mean that I’m a slut?)
I diverted my attention from my heated exchange to say goodbye to another guy I work with, who I’ve been inexplicably drawn to since day one. He was in earshot of our discussion, but he wasn’t talking with us. He was reading. He’s a friendly introverted guy who, over the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to get to know. (Perhaps break him out of his shell by breaking out of mine?)
As he walked out of the back door of the Backbar, he threw up his hands into two peace signs while he, oh-so descriptively, said “Peace!” I unintentionally pouted.
He smiled, said “yes” and that was the end.
I got so sad inside, feeling the familiar sting of inapproachability and regret. I continued my conversation with my intrigued and “concerned” co-worker about my commitment issues.
Suddenly, it all hit me. Now, I’m quite well-versed and well-aware of my psychological shortcomings, but this was such a blatant revelation that I experienced watching the dark mysterious man’s back as he walked away from me fill me with such longing and dread. It just all felt too familiar.
I would describe the guys I’m more often than not attracted to as possessing the following qualities:
-general pleasant disposition
In other words, I’d describe them as my father. My dad, although I love him to death and have grown to be more of a friend to him as I have gotten older, has major, major, attachment (detachment?) issues. He’s always just beyond my reach. He’s completely emotionally unavailable, thus why I find myself drawn to these men because however frustrated I am by them and seemingly unable to relate- I get them. They’re comfortable.
And I want it to stop. I don’t want these types of self-destructive relationships. It’s self-protective, I know, but I am sick of not letting any of them in all the way or claiming that they won't let me in and then blaming them for being the way they are. It’s me who needs to change and I get it. It’s understood. I just don’t know how to go about this transformation.
I have met some really sweet, kind guys that I’ve turned away for one reason or another, but mostly because they were easy and . . .uncomfortable. I’ve heard about this problem I have from a lot of people, but I have been unwilling to listen and change, but now I’m ready. I’m sick of my bi-polar comfort zone. I know it’s not supposed to be like this.
But I’ll always wish he’d come back. I just know it.