When do we go from thinking that we can do everything to thinking we can't do anything? Maybe I should be asking myself this question because maybe I'm the only person who is fighting against this mentality . . .
I have bills that won't pay themselves. I can't ask my parents to help out with them and honestly, do I really want them to? I totally know that I should be self-sufficient and shouldn't take advantage of my parent's generosity. Aside from that, who's to say that they can help me? So I need to get another part time job, in addition, because as much as I love The 9:30 Club, it doesn't pay very well. But every single job I come across, I hate.
I'm miserable letting money be my deciding factor or motivation for anything. I am not on of those lucky(?) people who can just "have a job" for the sake of having one. I tried it for almost nine months and I wanted to claw my eyes out everyday. It was THAT bad. I felt like I was living a lie and I felt STUCK.
Am I just being a big baby? I have no idea.
Hunting for a job, something you spend a significant amount of time at, is just so hard for me. I made a vow that I wouldn't work in a boring office job again because I literally can't do it. I've proven that to myself time and time again. Somehow, they are just easy to find and everyone else just does it . . .but I'm not like everyone else. Obviously.
I need to tap into my creativity a little more and really just GO for whatever it is that I truly want. I really want to be in the entertainment industry, but it's so hard to break into for so many different reasons. For me, the complicating factor is that I don't know WHAT I want to do in the industry. The touring life seems lonely and kinda crappy to me now, after witnessing more of it firsthand. I would really like to perform, but sadly, my voice isn't what it used to be. Acting? I've taken acting classes before. It's fun, but is it a passion? Not really.
Writing is something I thoroughly enjoy. I would love to make money just writing about my thoughts and feelings . . .sort of what I do in this blog. I am going to try my best to figure out how to make this a reality.
So I'm trying to make my life resemble me. In doing that, there's bound to be loads of stress and dirty looks, but for me, this is the only option.
Maybe I need to get my ass to NYC or LA, but right now, I can't afford it. I'm not ready to make the big move yet because right now I need to continue on this change in my life.
Now I'm about to get all metaphysical up in this piece. God (or whoever is in charge up there) is making it clear to me that I need to follow bliss. I need to follow passion because to be completely honest, I'm not good at much else. Maybe this motivating factor isn't a Superior Being and maybe it's just my own Inner Voice, or my Inner Confidence, that is letting me know I'm on the right track. It seems as though listening to this voice and following my True Calling makes perfect sense.
So I have to be strong. Money makes people weak. Not keeping an eye on the prize makes people falter. I've fallen off track before and it's so much harder than just going for what I truly want. Ironic, isn't it?
And you know what, thinking too much is one of my numerous downfalls. So, I think I'm going to stop analyzing my life so much. It's giving me a headache.