The farce that is Suri Cruise

Oh, really?

This morning I did my daily (or hourly, depending on the day) check of "Oh No They Didn't!" and was delighted to see a post featuring my favorite celebrity baby (aside from Zahara Jolie-Pitt), Suri Cruise! I happen to think that Suri is the most adorable Scientology robot baby I've ever seen. When I fawn over her (and feel my biological clock start ticking) upon seeing a picture of her, immense skepticism and fear start to creep in because, less I forget, this is Tom Cruise's "child." I am pretty sure there is some Scientology curse on her that makes everyone who lays eyes on her think she's the "cutest baby ever," which is just part of Ron L. Hubbard's plan to make everyone love innocent Suri, which leads to loving Tom Cruise and, eventually, we will all become Scientologists.

Are we really supposed to believe this baby is the age we are led to believe? I have heard a lot of rumors about Tom Cruise, specifically that he's very gay, but I have not actually seen a penis in his ass, so I can't really say for sure. Why didn't he ever have a biological baby with Nicole Kidman? Recently, Nicole Kidman has admitted to having a miscarriage during her marriage to Tom Cruise. But his first wife, Mimi Rogers, has started publicly that Tom Cruise is infertile. So what's up with that?

If all this is true and Tom really can't father any children, where'd Suri get half of her DNA? I believe that Suri is Katie Holme's child because she looks like her and I believe Katie was actually pregnant, but who is Suri's biological father? Suri kind of looks like Tom, but I heard a rumor that his brother helped out and fathered the child. Also, I heard that Katie was already pregnant when she met Tom Cruise and that Chris Klein is the father. I think this seems probable. If you can remember back to the spring of 2006 when the whole world was on TomKat baby watch, Katie's belly got bigger and smaller everyday. Could it have been a prosthetic belly towards the end because she already had the baby? That could also explain the delay of the pictures and public sightings of the child until she was well over 5 or 6 months. That could have been done so we couldn't tell she was older than she was. And Suri sometimes resembles Chris Klein as well. But she always looks like Tom? I don't know. This is just a hypothesis.

There is no way that this baby is only 16 months. Before she was one she had long hair and she was photographed running and laughing about. Shiloh Jolie Pitt, who is just one month younger than Suri, still looked like an infant at the same time. I have been around a lot of babies and Suri Cruise looks and acts much older than her age.

I could be wrong. Suri could actually be their natural (haha) born baby. TomKat could have conceived her the natural way. Katie might NOT be brainwashed. Who the hell knows. All I know is that Suri Cruise is a cute little Sim baby and she sure as hell is older than they claim.

Now let's put this all in prespective, shall we? Does any of this really matter? Do I really care? Absolutely not. In the grand scheme of my life, these people will not play any signifant roles . . .but it sure is fun to think about how fucked up these rich, pampered celebrities lives are compared to my boring one.