Peace and Love (?)

Hi everyone,

I got a flat tire at 6:00am this morning after driving some co-workers home. I was over-tired and ran over a curb downtown. Good thing I had a co-worker in the car with me to change my tire. I felt like I was inconveniencing him with the flat tire even thought it happened while I was taking him home. And the other night I went 20 minutes THE OPPOSITE WAY from my house to take another co-worker home. And a couple of months ago I got two speeding tickets from a camera on the way home from driving another co-worker.

Is this what I get for going out of my way? Or is it simply me not being a good driver . . . especially from 4-6am. I am still not entirely used to being alert at 3am. I have dozed off more times than I care to admit driving home from the club. It's dangerous for me to drive when I'm so exhausted.

So just when I think I'm "okay" with money (and by okay, I still mean broke), this shit happens. :( I try to look for the positive in situations, but it's hard sometimes. At least it's just the tire that is ruined, I guess.

I applied for a bunch of jobs last week and haven't heard back from one. I sent my resume out to some jobs with 9:30 Club listed on it and on some I omitted it. I'm wondering if sending my resume without 9:30 Club listed makes it seem like I've been fired or something? I don't know. It's very frustrating. I am confused about what my next move should be. I want to get another part-time or even full-time job here, preferably a temp one for a non-profit to save money for NY and build up my resume. But at the same time, I'm applying for jobs in NYC. Do I settle with any old job here since I really need to make more money (and benefits would be nice) or do I continue to be picky? It's just so hard and confusing.

Today I was reading the local newspaper and saw my friend Meghan's byline. I'm really happy for her because being a reporter is something she's always wanted to do. It makes me kind of sad because I realize that I am not really where I want to be or even thought I'd be right now. That's why I'm pushing for NYC again because when I was there, it WAS where I wanted to be. It is so hard, but I'm happier trying than just settling.

I also feel sort of out of place at 9:30 Club. No one has been mean to me or anything, but I just feel different from everyone else. I don't smoke weed, I don't drink a lot, I'm not entirely a night person, I don't party hard, I'm a good girl, I'm a bit sheltered . . the list goes on. Everyone is super nice to me, but I feel a little paranoid, especially considering the whole fauxmance thing with that guy that everyone knows about.

I know if I just ignore it, it'll blow over, but I still feel awkward because I told some people about out little "thing" and I think they probably talk to him about it. I feel like it's a running joke. It is to me because in typical Adrienne fashion, the one guy I am interested in at the club is the one who just isn't interested in me. It's bizarre for me to meet a guy who is so physically attracted to me (he admits it) and single, but doesn't want to act on it anymore. It's also probably healthy and wise that he doesn't, but what sucks is that I still just want to make out with the kid. I'm still attracted to him and it's hard for me to ignore it, but I"m trying my best. Furthermore, it's hard for me to see other couples that I work with because it reminds me that I'm alone. My expectations I had with this guy and our flirtation, which gave me something to look forward to, is meaningless now. It's an empty feeling.

Wow, I've written a lot in this entry. I have a lot going on inside my head. I'm feeling incredibly shitty right now. I know it'll pass, but it doesn't change how I feel right now. Please send some positive energy my way. I need it.

Peace + Love,
A